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Date Posted: 00:42:40 05/22/06 Mon
Author: 百目鳥
Subject: 烏利亞之夢

烏利亞之夢

雨,不斷在下。我垂下右手單提的銳鐵,讓雨點沿劍身溜到劍尖,再滴到地面。一陣無骨的水花被激起。

大口大口地,我以冰冷的空氣替換胸中灼人的白煙,並明白:時間無多,我已孤身一人。第二波敵人如箭在弦地逐步走近。

雨打在我的髮上、臉上、肩上,我全身的傷口都在嘶叫。但我沉默。

我不是,耶和華的戰士中最大能的一位嗎?冷然一笑,但我不知道自己還在嘲諷誰。

萬不情願,還是再度掄起了劍。骨肉分離的聲音,直透心窩的疼,每每都在提醒著我,這是陣勢極險之地。

傷我早已習慣,死我視之如歸。二十多年的戎馬生涯,我早已預計要馬革裹屍還。但至少,我以為那是值得。

殺得性起,殺得癲狂,殺得忘了自己是誰。我還會是,誰呢?我是誰?一個傻子?誰會記念我?我以殺去麻醉自己。停止去想。

耶和華的道何其迂闊?有人有幸生而為天之驕子,得以享盡人間富貴。有人生來苦樂參半,一匙蜜糖一匙辣,受了刀傷臥在病床,卻也因此遇上個絕色佳人,結得一段好良緣。而我?得過家門而無安息,二十多年只有掙扎求存,我仍以為耶和華自有安排。萬事都出於耶和華,我的腦筋不好,只相信祂賜予的也當奉獻歸祂。能者多勞,我甘於無名而勞碌。

一人,一劍,一馬,那就是我的生存方式。但此刻我的瘦馬已然倒下,就在我中伏、一眾同伴後退之時。

望著殺之不盡的敵人,我突然有了臨死的感悟:比這眼前景象更叫人絕望的事物唯有三件,連同無法悖逆的共有四樣,就是無義的同儕、淫蕩的女人、背信的君王,以及袖手旁觀的上帝。

我的生命已走到盡頭,總結一生,我只得一項教訓:如果尚有來生,我不要再當,耶和華的戰士。

終於倒下,我,以不甘和憤恨為最後力量的,赫人,烏利亞。

* * *

睡醒,而夢未醒。雨仍在下,我感迷亂。烏利亞的呼叫仍猶在耳,一時三刻,我竟忘了自己是誰,為何是誰,直到何時才能,不再是誰。

2006/5/21

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