The Average man, Jesus, Buddah, and the Gods. -- Final End

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 01:52:45 02/26/03 Wed
Author: The Serpent
Subject:

The Average man, Jesus, Buddah, and the Gods.

What would you do if you were walking down the street and happened upon Jesus Christ himself, who was engaged in a knife fight with Buddha?

I'd put twenty bucks on Buddha for multiple reasons:

- Buddha has allot of girth protecting his vitals, Jesus is always fasting, and you could stick a nail through him (literally).

- Jesus is liable to kill himself before he gets close to Buddha. Suicide seems to be part of his cop-out plan since he can never win in a fight (historically).

- Buddha was a living man who was one with the will of the universe. Jesus is a third of a myth who has been twisted every which way but lose from the cross (indubitably).

As you place your bet, Jesus turns to you and says, "You're going to be twenty bucks less richer today, heathen scum, for Buddha is only a statue, as my followers say."

With this Buddha exclaims "FUCK!" and turns into a statue. He, then, tips over and crushes the person you betted against.

"Well, heathen..," says Jesus. "Looks like you'll be keeping that twenty bucks, but your life and soul shall be MINE!"

"Locusts swarm, attack!" Commands Jesus.

With this, Jesus waves his arms around like a madman, summoning up locusts and sends them in onto you.

I whip out my remote control and summon my robotic powered crop duster. As I suit up in mop gear, I gas the locusts to death.

"Science wins against hoaky fairy tale."

*pulls out bull whip, lashes it around the Buddha statue's neck, pulls it over, squashing sweet baby Jesus on a stick like a tommy gnat, and scoopes up winnings*

Stone beats flesh, bitch boy...

"I shall return in 3 days, bitch!!!" Screams the ghastly ghost of Jesus Christ.

Come on back, Christ, if you ever want to try again. I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!

As you stand there in victory, an ominous cloud forms over head. A voice booms:

"You be fucking wit' my boy? I'm gonna smite yo ass, foo!"

Then, an elderly Caucasian man with white hair and a long beard descends from the clouds and lands before you, as everyone knows, God happens to be an elderly Caucasian man with white hair and a long beard for some reason.

God then says to you, "Why do thou disobey and defy your creator? I gave you life, now I shalt taketh it away! Throw down, nigga!"

Speaks God's true name backwards and undoes creation.

Now there is nothing but void, and I caused it.

So I am god...

Then the "void" fades away and you're back on the street. You're tied up and cannot move. God stands before you laughing. He speaks,

"My illusion spell has worked flawlessly on you. You see, illusions are my forte'. Plus, it's a little known secret that my real name is Bob."

"Try saying that backwards. Ha!"

"Now, we shall await the resurrection of my Son. Then, we shall sacrifice you unto ourselves. This shall serve as an example to all of those who dare oppose us and our law!"

God continues to laugh. His laugher ends in a gasp, as a lone figure appears further down the street. He says,

"God, you've dethroned me many a millenia ago, but now it is time for me to reclaim my throne." God replies, startled. "Oh, myself! (that's what I say instead of 'Oh, my god') It's, it's, it's..... who were you again?"

The figure says, "What?! Oh, for the love of... I'm fucking ZEUS! Now, time to light your ass up with lightening!"

"Lightening?"

"Did something say lightening?" says a voice from above.

You look up to see Thor in his chariot soaring overhead, wielding his hammer.

"I believe that is MY domain. And speaking of thrones, I believe I shall be reclining in it come morning."

The three deities being skirmish sends thunder and flashes of lightening through the air. During this period you manage to break free from your bounds, which was consisted of cheap scotch tape god bought at the local convenient store while you were under the illusion - spell.

Steels the nether scroll from Toril, mastering the most arcane form of magic, I cast the spell which brought down Netheril, the one which allows me to assume the portfolio and being of any god.

I take over god's being, and have him kill himself.

This destroying me, him, and everything.

The end.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Very cute Serpent,just one question- -- PAUL, 09:04:29 02/26/03 Wed
- Re: I suppose it's different for everyone. -- The Serpent, 01:04:23 02/27/03 Thu
  - Re: You know what...? -- The Serpent, 01:08:26 02/27/03 Thu