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Date Posted: 01:01:38 12/12/02 Thu
Author: The Serpent
Subject: Put disclaimers everywhere!! Hide your old people AND young people!!

As you can tell by the subject's title this is the family values portion of the message board.

I'm too chicken-shit and lazy to think for myself. I want my children to have that comfort, too. Just let mail order religion tell me how to raise my kids! But as soon as I let them outside they come back with all of these questions. What's a concerned parent to do?!

The answer is obvious - Ban Everything!!

I used to laugh at those preachers for prophet on my t.v., while we sat around and watched them for laughs as we did all kinds of drugs, and the more blasted outta my mind I became, the more I began to believe.. Yes, there was a void in my life.

And Jerry Falwell, and John Ashcroft, and Curious W. George, and Bob Larsen, and Pat Buchanan, and (bless his ego) and Pat Robertson were RIGHT!!! So I picked up the phone and gave one of 'em a call. A pre-recorded space alien voice on the other end asked me for my credit card number. I gave it to 'em. Before long my mail box was filling up everyday - boiling over with more and more of these hideous and terrifying stories!!

The sky is falling!!!!

There's sex on t.v.!! There's cyber porn!! There's Darwinist Humanism being taught in public schools!! Race mixing in Hollywood!! Swear words being used on the internet - like message boards!! Mighty Mouse promoting drugs!! Satanic rock music!! And now my children even being exposed to songs written, sung, and produced by *GASP* blackpeople!!! ARGH!!!

And each time in the envelope there was a pre-printed post card, where all I had to do was sign my name and fire it off to my congressmen, and without even having to write a letter myself or even talk to someone on the phone - all of the sudden I had all this power!! All this VETO POWER!!!! POWER to....

Ban Everything!!!

Power to start wiping away anything I didn't happen to like. Power to control for others what I thought all reason to control in my own life. And you know what? It felt good. It felt REAL good. I was hooked. I was addicted. Yes, I'm a God-oholic. And my checks to the Hope Dope Dealers got bigger and bigger and bigger, and everyday I'd wake up and my hands would shake and my teeth would clatter until the mailman would show up and bring me my fix so, then, I could rip open the envelopes and tie a rubber hose around my common sense and shoot up with GOD!!!!! And it made me feel high - Heavenly. I felt secure. I could look in the mirror and feel like Matt Dylan instead of an asshole. I felt better about myself... for awhile.

But then, I'd come down... down.. down.. down.. And I'd need more and more and more, but like any other gang - the Hope Dope Dealers would set a price to pay. Money's not enough!! NO!! They want MORE!! I signed away my life savings. I signed away the kids' college money. I signed away the deed to our home - even my motor home, and it STILL wasn't enough!!! I put my hands on the television screen. I wiggled around on that one inch prayer cloth I got from Robert Tilton in the mail. I even fondled some of his mail-order holy cornmeal!!

And then the bolt of lighting hit ME!! And I got the message;

'You...

You ain't down with the gang unless you prove yourself and do some favors for the gang. You gotta be the gangs' hit men and hit women. Down at the school board. Down at the shopping mall. Besides, playing vigilantly is your favorite part of the job. We pick the target, you make the hit.'

As quietly as possible. There's a lot less of us than they think. And we'll start by kneeling down in the den, smoke a few rocks....

of ages.

And then, when we got our lynch mob buzz, we'll storm out the door and into the neighborhood and go Bible wilding!! Helter skelter!! Domino by domino!! We will threaten them! And blackmail there landlords with picket signs and clinic bombings!!

- Get those books on our black list outta this here bookstore! We want every CD with a Tipper Sticker outta this here record store! Better yet, why don't you close down and evict those stores all together, so we can put in a nice Bible supply store instead and more family oriented establishments like Blockbuster video and Wal-Mart.

Or...

We won't just picket the record store we will picket every tenant in your whole shopping mall and cost you lots and lots of money and smear your name in the community as venders of SMUT!!!!! Until you see things our way. It's best you just go on along with us and....

Ban Everything!!

I never knew there was so much filth out there. Things I'd looked at a million times never looked quite like this before.

The more I looked - the more I saw. And the more I saw - the more it OFFENDED ME!!!!! I followed the instructions of those tapes and mail away videos from the Parents
Music & Resource Center, and took away all the rap and Disturbed CDs we got the kids for Christmas last year, and to show we still had an open mind we replaced them with Justin Timberlake and Phil Collins CDs instead. Something the PMRC recommends.

And we learned about subliminal message in Ritz Crackers from the guy who testified at the Judas Priest trial a number of years back. And we learned from an article on Rev. Phil Phillips that, from his book Turmoil In the Toy Box, that too much exposure to the Smurfs might turn your child into Charles Manson!! And we learned from the Rev. Joseph Chambers, in Charlotte North Carolina, that Barney the Dinosaur is a New Age demon who promotes homosexuality!!

And now I know why the dinosaurs died. Because there was no more room on Noah's Ark. And that's what we'll force all your children to memorize when we take over the schools. And I'll never let my little ones go out on any dates cuz Focus On the Family says, "that might lead to date rape." And I learned from the Daughters, From the American Revolution in Texas, why the Diary Of Anne Frank must be purged from public schools - "it's too depressing!" And I know why The Secret Life of Walter Midi has got to go, too -because, "fantasizing is insanity!!"

And we must ban Halloween from everyone so my children won't be exposed to anyone dressed as a devil or a witch!! And remember what brother Jimmy Swaggert once said, "Coed swimming promotes problems of the flesh!!" Something he seems to be intimately familiar with. Not only that, but if you go swimming you might drown. If no one dares dip their toes in any water the world would be a much safer place.

The answer is obvious - Ban Everything!!

I don't want my children exposed to that lovey-dovey kissy-kissy touchy feely SMUT on t.v. - like the Cosby Show! Wholesome VIOLENCE is the way to go!! So, we went down to Blockbuster and rented Saving Private Ryan. So, I could show my children that the Christian way to die was to get your arms and legs blown off in a war for your country. And we also rented Jaws, and sat down and watched that classic like a good family should. Next thing I know, I take a peak in the bathroom as my little boy's in the bathtub. Hmmm.. and I see him playing with his rubber shark in a funny way. He's got his finger in it's mouth and he's moving it up and down... and I go...

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*WACK* *WACK* *WACK* *WACK* *WACK* *WACK* *WACK*

I want my son to grow up and lead a good life and get a good job and my daughter to marry well and crank out lots and lots of grandchildren. Not wander the earth in search of mechanical sharks to give them head.

The answer is obvious - Ban Everything!!

Those pages in the Sears catalog and the Pennies catalog. All under the counter now in a brown paper bag!! "Trash" talk on the internet might expose our young one's to the "F" word. That's gotta go! So, then, my children won't embarrass me in front of the big boss man when he says one of those horrifying words he learned. So, we must put parental restrictions. And for the places we can't get restrictions for? Well, we'll just bully the site owner until he or she has to pull the site from the internet all together or put up a disclaimer. Protect the old!! Protect the young!! There's so many people to protect that I don't even know where to begin!!

I don't want to see any more wet clothes, dirty socks, size 42 boxer shorts hanging out on clothes lines where someone might see them!! You never know what that could lead to!!! There's only one thing to do...

Ban Everything!!!

Why?

WHY?!

To protect the children. The little ones. The ones we must shield from any point of view that might differ from our own. And the only way to protect them from all that REALITY is to water down and restrict all art until it's safe and easy to understand for the little ones.

And, let's not forget. The life of an un-born child is sacred. But, once they're born you can beat them, starve them, molest them, when they turn eighteen send 'em to the electric chair, or kill 'em in a war against some starving country that had a population explosion because we cut off their access to birth control, so we could have someone to kill somewhere to keep the Pentagon from going broke. So ban everything!!! BAAAN Everything!!! I'll BAN anything that MOVES!!!!

Everywhere I look I see more things I wanna ban. We're more preoccupied with sex than the lost souls we try to save ever were.

And why are we so obsessed to do these things to you? So, you can think like us, and go to Heaven. And if we can choke off your natural emotions, we can, then, choke off the rest of you, too. Legislate the imagination. Keep people quite and outta trouble. Afraid to think. Afraid to fuck. Afraid to communicate. Afraid of their own curiosity. Afraid that new ideas and "different" people are somehow "unclean!" Above all - afraid to dream.

So, by law, we're dragging you back to the good ol' days that never existed. Crimes of the mind will not be tolerated. This is how WE, your moral guardians, masturbate. This is how WE, God's chosen libido scrooges, dominate!

The answer IS obvious.

Ban everything...

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