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Date Posted: 00:17:34 06/03/03 Tue
Author: Ratbat
Subject: 
Ugly, Ugly Talkback #29
Ugly, Ugly Talkback
Volume 2, No 29
Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learnt From Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season One
Right, we'll be burning up the next few columns on a series. In every sense, 'cos we're talking about a TV series. The Emma-and-Emmy-award-winning series Buffy the Vampire Slayer comes to an end in a few weeks, so we'll be taking a li'l look at the life lessons we've all been learning over the last seven seasons. A quick aside to plug Gareth Roberts' Doctor Who article that inspired it, and away we go with Season One!
1. Welcome to the Hellmouth
Trying to leave her old lifestyle as a vapid cheerleader and death-seeped killer of demons, Buffy Summers arrives in Sunnydale. Shortly after arrival, she finds that Sunnydale has its very own Hellmouth, a librarian who tries to foist old Vampyr books on her, an evil vampire lord trying to escape, and Cordelia Chase.
Moral
Always check out the new place before you move.
2. The Harvest
Within days of Buffy starting at Sunnydale High, she's found allies in Willow, Giles, Xander and Jesse. Jesse becomes a vampire and is soon staked, pretty much wiping off his chance at being a regular.
Moral
Don't feel bad: whenever you make a group of new friends all at once, there's always one you lose track of early on.
3. The Witch
Catherine Madison has taken over her daughter's body to relive her cheerleading days. To take out the competition, she has another girl catch alight during tryouts. The real surprise is that this causes said girl to miss out. So the judges saw a girl who could catch fire and didn't sign her on? She'd certainly show up any other schools with their human pyramids and calling out letters. But, no, the judges are too fixed on co-ordination and rhythm.
Moral
There's just no pleasing some people.
4. Teacher's Pet
A lesson in hindsight this week. Xander and the other guys taken captive, mated with, and killed by bug-turned-teacher Miss French are all vulnerable because they're virgins, or so we're told. On the other hand, almost every other episode of the series is a lesson in Joss' favourite 'sex is bad'. Where does that leave us?
Moral
Sex is bad, but being a virgin gets you killed. Better to just shag anyway. (Alternate moral: None, but Joss Whedon got very very laid shortly after this episode was made.)
5. Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Poor Owen Thurman. He found a pretty girl, someone he liked who liked him back. So, she's a Vampire Slayer. Well, he can cope with that. In fact, he'd love to help her on another mission! However, as soon as he shows an interest in this side of her, she dumps his ass.
Moral
Don't come across too eager.
6. The Pack
Xander and a group of other teens are possessed by hyena spirits. The behaviour of the 'pack' gets worse and worse until they actually eat Principal Flutie! Xander's locked up at the time. Meaning the one member of the pack who's Buffy's friend and a regular character doesn't complicate things by murdering someone this early in the series.
Moral
It's not what you know, it's who you know.
7. Angel
It's pretty clear that Angel's got something to hide from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He's only out at night, he wears the dark suit favoured by movie undead, and he's rather clued up on the activities of the Master and his pals. Right before a commercial break, Angel drops his bombshell: he's a vampire! The only surprise to the audience is that we realise we weren't supposed to know that already.
Moral
If you want to surprise someone, surprise them. Don't faff about dropping hints.
8. I, Robot... You Jane
Oh, that Giles! Doesn't believe in the Internet. Jenny Calendar makes fun of him, and we all agree. Given that this week a demon plans to ruin the world with the information it gets from it, and is responsible for at least a suicide, attempted murder, and kidnapping, not to mention messing with Willow's feelings, you'd think we'd have a bit more sympathy for his viewpoint.
Moral
Be careful about falling in love on the Net. In fact, just don't use the bloody thing at all.
9. The Puppet Show
Buffy fights what she thinks is a demon possessing a ventriloquist's dummy. Except that it's actually a demon hunter trapped in the body of a vent's doll. They sort that one out, and defeat this week's monster.
Moral
If a talking ventriloquist dummy tells you they're really a demon hunter, believe them? Bloody hell, I don't know...
10. Nightmares
The Coach beats Billy for dropping a baseball catch. In response, Billy (both physically and psychically) forgoes reporting this to the authorities and retreats into a coma. From there, he unleashes a power to bring nightmares to life. This not only causes extensive emotional harm but endangers and possibly ends countless lives.
Moral
Be sure who the bad guys are.
11. Out of Mind, Out of Sight
Cordelia and her friends ignored Marcie, and now she's invisible. It's a metaphor for how going unnoticed at school makes you feel that no-one can see you. She tries to cut and disfigure Cordelia. It's a metaphor for the way we'd like to viciously strike back at people who reject us. Then the FBI take her away and enrol her in a secret agent academy. It's a metaphor for...erm...bugger.
Moral
You've either got a theme or you haven't. Make up your mind.
12. Prophecy Girl
Giles and Angel read an ancient codex that tells of Buffy's coming death. Despite her fear and despair, she faces her fate. She drowns, but is soon revived by Xander's CPR. Everyone is pleased and surprised, but all this trouble could surely have been saved if Angel and Giles had simply read on to Buffy's further adventures.
Moral
It's worth seeing a book through to the end.
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