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Date Posted: 21:19:37 10/09/04 Sat
Author: Miss November
Subject: The Election

Okay, I know it�s only early days in the tally room, but I�m getting nervous. What if John Howard gets re-elected - again? It�s a terrifying prospect. We can all hope, and prey (to whichever deity takes your fancy) and of course, we�ve voted, not only because it�s compulsory, but because it�s the right thing to do, we want to do it. We need to show Howard that it�s well past time to go.

But what if� What if the unthinkable happens and he gets re-elected? One frightening prospect is that, in the eyes of history, he�ll look like a popular Prime Minister. Our Encyclopaedia Britannica won�t show what few options we had available at the time of the last election. They won�t tell us that Labor had no policies and the Democrats had no (real) leader, they won�t mention Simon Crean (would you?) they will just duly record John Howard�s term in office, and that the Australian public kept re-electing this guy. We�ll look like a bunch of racist red-neck twits aspiring to be American racist red-neck twits, future generations will think we must have loved him, we let him give us a new tax system and take us to war!

But if the unspeakable happens, I have an answer.

There must be thousands upon thousands of people who want �Honest� John out of office, and of those thousands and thousands, there must be a fair number of very attractive young ladies out there, so my solution is this: sex.

Now, I know that the words �sex� and �John Howard� should never be used together in the same sentence, but desperate times call for desperate measures. What if Monica didn�t really like Bill Clinton, she hated him and wanted him out of office? Perhaps she wasn�t just a naive 20-year-old girl; she was a political mastermind - we can use this! Instead of protesting against John Howard, we need someone to procreate with him� (Okay, perhaps procreate is taking it a bit too far - could you explain to a small child that John Howard is their father?).

This is assuming everything is still in working order - he has just turned 65, but those morning power walks should keep him relatively fit and the circulation flowing.

What this country needs is one willing young lady to get close to the PM, seduce (shudder) him, and perhaps keep her blue dress in the wardrobe instead of taking it to the dry cleaner. If John dubya Howard is so keen to follow the example of an American president, then so shall we, albeit a different one. And it surely wouldn�t be too hard. How many chicks are throwing themselves at Johnny (those rumours about Pru aside)? Bill could have had just about anyone, and he still went for Monica.

If we could get someone Shallow Hal style, that would be perfect. Someone that Howard thinks is just fantastic, but who the Australian public (and more importantly, the Australian Press) see warts and all - after all, we don�t want this to backfire and make the guy look interesting or popular! Today Tonight wouldn�t know what to do with themselves, and if we could get her to videotape it and sell it for an undisclosed sum to channel 9, she could go to a tropical island until it all blows over and Mrs Latham is happily redecorating the lodge.

Come on girls, do it for your country.

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