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Subject: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Kris [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 10/18/07 3:36pm Hey everyone , I'm so happy I found this site. I been reading through everyones post and everyone's reply. Everyone is so nice and so support here, it' really nice. This is my story.... I found out yesterday that I am 7 wks preggo. It was not planned at all ... I was actually starting BC this month. I told my Bf that I have been best friends with for 3 yrs now... we were planning on getting engaged by december. I told him that I was pregnant and right away he told me we need to get rid of it. I told him I didnt know what I was going to do ... I been going back and forth in my head since yesterday afternoon about what im going to do... I understand why he doesnt want me having it, we dont have a house , we dont have enough money... etc. I want this baby. I CANT get an abortion I have been thinkin very heard , I been researching every single site there is all day . I cant do it. He is so against me having this baby and it hurts. I feel like he will resent me if i have this baby and our relationship will be done. I dont want that nor do I want to get rid of this baby. I cant do that to my body and my emotions. I know that i will never forgive myself. I wish he could be happy. I dont know what to do , Im so confused back and forth in my head. I cant ... I dont know what to do ... Please help! [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/18/07 11:06pm Hi, Kris, I'm very glad you came! If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! You have to live with yourself. In any case, if you do, it is VERY unlikely your relationship will survive it. There are two possibilities regarding your boyfriend. Either he's a total jerk and it's a good thing to find out now, or he is simply reacting like most men react at first. Pregnancy isn't real for most men until they can observe something about it for themselves, whether it be hearing the heartbeat, feeling movement, seeing an ultrasound, or observing changes in the mother's body. Unfortunately, these things happen after most abortions are done. So here is what I recommend. Cut him some slack. Let him think about it, wrestle with it, and be patient. A lot of men come around. But tell him firmly that you won't get an abortion. Chances are, if you do that, he will stop pressuring you. It might not be immediately. But just keep standing your ground. Don't argue with him. Just state your position. If he gets abusive, walk out of the room. He should have thought about the fact you don't have a house and enough money before he put you at risk. Of course it hurts! But hang in there. You are a lot stronger than you think. You are already a good mother, because you are trying to protect your baby. Go to your local crisis pregnancy agency. They can help you with the practical problems. To find one near you, go here: www.pregnancycenters.org Good luck with this. Keep in touch. We will be here for you. Come and talk to us any time you need to. Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/19/07 8:52am First, congratulations! You deserve to feel joy and happiness with your first pregnancy ;-) This should be a wonderful time for you, and I hope and pray your boyfriend will come around to supporting you (which he probably will, or - as Pat said - it's better to find out now!) Most importantly, if you don't want to have an abortion, you should DEFINITELY not have one. That is the single strongest indicator that a woman will regret her abortion -if she had it to please someone else and against her own heart's wishes. Second, if you have an abortion to keep your boyfriend, I can almost guarantee that the relationship will suffer and probably won't last. (In the rare case that the relationship does last, the loss of your first child together will undoubtedly haunt both of you in your life together.) In almost all instances where a woman has an abortion to keep her boyfriend, the boyfriend leaves and she is left without the boyfriend AND without her baby that she sacrificed to keep him. That is so tragic and, unfortunately, we see it time and time again on this board... So, I hope and pray that you will have the strength to protect your baby. In fact, protecting your baby stands a MUCH better chance of helping you sustain your relationship with your boyfriend at this point. He will, as Pat said, either step up to the plate and support you and your baby or he'll leave anyway (and it's better to find that out now rather than later.) Some boyfriends will threaten things like 'I'll leave you and I'll try to get custody of the baby.' That's purely to scare the woman into aborting. The fact is, once the baby is here he will either want to take an active and loving role in supporting his child OR he will be long gone and you won't have to worry about him (but you'll still have your child! ;-) So, aborting to please him is a lose-lose (you lose your child and you will likely lose him to, or resent him for the rest of your life), while NOT aborting is a win-win (you will win by having your baby and win by having him support you or having him leave, in which case he's not worth having him stay!;-) I'll say a prayer for you and for your little one and for your boyfriend, that he come around to realizing the gift he has in you and in your child together! God bless you, Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/19/07 5:19pm Hey ... thanks girls. I appreciate the advice. I told him I wasnt getting one , and he said he will be supportive. But after him telling me all this bad stuff about me having this baby he kind of scared me. Im really scared now , I hope im not making the wrong choice here. IM scared now... please talk to me.

[> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/21/07 1:45pm Hi, Kris, Congratulations, Mom! :) Right now, you are not that much at risk. If he starts to do anything that you see as a warning, then you can act. You are carrying your baby all the time. So your baby is protected. Maybe there's a slight risk he'll just totally go after you, but I don't think so. That's not that common. So unless he has a history of violence, you should be OK. If he does, you might want to think about ending the relationship. But as long as he is being supportive, I don't see a real problem. If he continued to pressure you, I'd be much more concerned. Be aware, but try not to fret about it. Fears at this stage are normal; it's the hormone thing. Make his current behavior a self-fulfilling prophecy. Take his word for it. Go get some help from a crisis pregnancy agency; talk to them, and let them help you through this. And as you plan, he will be more at ease. I'm sure he's worried about the future, how this baby will be provided for. I guess the real question now is whether he's feeling like a father, and whether he is prepared to fill that role. You can have some talks with him. Come at it from the direction of how he sees his role, what he is thinking he will do to support and interact with this child. He's past the initial shock, too. It's that initial panic that often makes people act like real jerks. You were also in a state of panic at the time, so you can understand. Don't hesitate to come here and let us know how you are doing. It's not uncommon for a mother to come often, and to talk with us, and it is a good idea if you need it. Please keep in touch. You're in our prayers. Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/29/07 4:02pm Hey everyone ... thanks for all the advice given to me . I told the father 2 wks ago that I decided to keep the baby . He wasnt happy at first but he has come to the terms and it getting excited still scared of course , which is fine , BUt ok with it. But for the week I been excited , then scared , then nervous , then not sure if im making the right choice , then excited again , and my emotions just keep going from one way to the other. I am so not sure at this point if im doing the right thing by having this baby. Im so confused and so scared. I dont know what is wrong with me . Happy and excited on minute and then later thinking about if its the right thing. Im so scared to be alone with a baby. I already have a 4 yr old son and the father left when he was 6 months old hasnt helped or come around since then. I been alone for 4 yrs and im scared I cant do it again ... I cant have 2 kids by myself. I dont know what to do about these crazy feelings im having . Like i said one minute im so excited and then the next not sure at all. Please give me some advice . Thanks girls

[> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 10/29/07 9:09pm Hi, Kris, Sounds like pregnancy hormones to me. If you are taking your prenatal vitamins, that should help. Also, stay away from sugar and artificial sweeteners, and monosodium glutimate. You are a lot stronger than you think! One of the advantages of having two children is that they will entertain each other and give you a little time for whatever you need it for. You have a baby, and your baby is depending on you for your protection. Always remember that, and you should be fine. Even if your boyfriend eventually vanishes, there are good men out there who will cherish all three of you. If you make yourself available in that case, one of them can find you. You have plenty of time to prepare emotionally. That's why we women are pregnant for nine months. :) You have already done it once, so you can do it again. Hang in there. It gets better. You will be more settled as you go along. By the time your baby is born, you will be ready. Thanks so much for the update! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/11/07 5:20pm Hi everyone.... Well me and my boyfriend broke up today. He is very selfish and cares only for himself. There is so much that has happened and I cant be with someone like him . I cant live my life with someone all about themselves. I give so much and he gives nothing. So that means that I cant have this baby. This happened today and I been thinking about it all day and i dont know how i am going to go through with this. It isnt going to be easy at all. Im so scared and so upset, but i cant do it esp with me and him broken up. Im so scared !!!!! I wish i could have this baby but I cant. :( Not feeling good at all.

[> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/12/07 9:15am Kris, I want to share with you that when I got pregnant years ago, my boyfriend also wasn't there for me. I debated having an abortion and even had an appointment for one, but I ended up cancelling it. I am SO glad I did. My boyfriend walked out of my life and has never seen his son, but my baby, my dear son (the "choice" I was holding in my hands those many years ago) has gone on to become one of my dearest friends. I shudder to think of how close I came to killing him. So, my heartfelt advice to you would be to remember that this is YOUR baby, regardless of how the father figures in. Given the way things are playing out, it appears your boyfriend was placed in your life for one reason - to help bring your child into this world. Even the worst of "jerks" can biologically father beautiful, amazing, wonderful children. It's on the mother's shoulders to protect and care for this gift they've been given. Have you been to a crisis pregnancy center? They can put you in touch with programs in your area to help single moms. Also, your county health nurse can sign you up for WIC (Women Infants and Children), a federal program that provides you with vouchers for healthy food for you and your baby, such as milk, eggs, iron-fortified cereal, beans, peanut butter, juice. And, it's completely free. Even better, they'll provide you with vouchers for healthy food for your baby until he or she is 5-years old (including vouchers for formula if you decide not to nurse.) I'll be praying for you. E-mail me directly if you want to talk. Sharon

[> [> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Kris [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/12/07 9:53pm What is your email?

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Tracey (Sharon's e-mail....) [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/16/07 12:59pm Hey Kris...I don't think Sharon saw that you were asking for her e-mail address to talk. If you click on her name on the main screen under your thread(which is highlighted in blue), it'll take you through the steps to get her e-mail address. Just wanted to let you know! :) God bless, Tracey

[> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/27/07 11:57am Hi, Kris. (Thank you, Tracey. You're right - I didn't see this message!) My e-mail is gray at augie.edu. Sharon

[> [> Subject: Re: Confused , upset , disappointed Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 11/12/07 8:46pm Hi, Kris, Let me ask you a difficult question. Your boyfriend abandoned both of you. What I hear you saying is that you feel because of this, you have to abandon your baby. Why would your boyfriend's actions suggest to you that you should abandon your baby? Your baby is depending on you for your protection. He or she isn't to blame for your boyfriend's actions. Your boyfriend is to blame, and it doesn't make sense to hurt your baby because of what he did, and I think deep inside you realize this. Please protect your baby. I imagine you are facing difficulties, and that you don't feel you can take care of your baby alone. Actually, there are many agencies out there to help you. You can find a list of them here: www.pregnancycenters.org There you can find lists, and locate one in your area. It's normal to be scared. In fact, the hormones of early pregnancy aggravate this problem. We women are pregnant nine months for a reason. It is so we can be prepared for motherhood. The crisis pregnancy agency will help you, and we will be here for you. By the time your baby is born, you will be ready to mother your child. You already don't want to have an abortion. If you don't want an abortion, don't have one! There are better answers. But given what you have told us, if you have an abortion, it will haunt you for the rest of your life! We'll be here for you. Hugs, Pat