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Friday, May 10, 20:34:53

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Subject: Dilema Author: Amanda (confused) [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 09/ 9/07 12:59am My finacee and I are very enthusiatic about getting married, a short while ago, we discovered that we were unexpectidly pregnant. We had planned on one day having children, but as we are both in are early twenties and not yet college graduates we lack the economic stability to suport a child. We are both opposed to abortion, and know that we could never give our baby up once it has been born; but it sadly seems as though it may be the only option. Our families do not approve of engagment, and will offer no help what-so-ever. We used birth control, and cannot understand how it was ineffective. We are very torn as to what we should do. We basically only have one another and would want to provide a child with a good life and all the support possible, but if we're both college students with very little money we don't understand how that could be possible. If anyone could provide advice or guidence it would be appreciated because we are completely lost. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Dilema Author: Pat [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09/10/07 2:53am Hi, Amanda, I am very glad you came! I should tell you we had our first child when we were both in college. :) And in fact, he was three years old when my husband finished his college work. It can be done. While my husband's folks paid for the hospital costs, we didn't have crisis pregnancy agencies in those days, and these exist now, and they can be a huge financial help. Birth control isn't reliable. It's as simple as that. You don't need to give your child the commonly accepted notion of "a good life". There is so doggone much materialism these days. An infant needs food (breastfeeding is cheap), shelter, clothing, and lots of love. You can find good toys for the baby in many different places. What they sell in Toys-R-Us is junk anyway, especially from a cognitive point of view. I was truly appalled. If you are against abortion, then you should NOT have an abortion. You will regret it deeply, and it could END your interest in completing your college degree, or worse. Some women commit suicide, even, and many become dysfunctional, and drink or use drugs, or sleep around. It will almost certainly break up your relationship. Go to your local crisis pregnancy agency, and see what kind of help they can offer. Also check and see if your college has a College Outreach Program. This program provides for alternatives for college mothers, and is run by Feminists for Life. You can find lists of crisis pregnancy agencies here: www.pregnancycenters.org. Good luck with this! We will be here for you. You may find that your family will come around. Most of the time, they do, and they dote on their grandchild. Right now, you need to protect your child from their lack of forethought and their lack of love. I should also tell you that one of our sons had a baby out of wedlock. The mother and he are not even engaged, and they are both taking excellent care of him. He stays with whichever parent isn't working that time of day. He is very well behaved, and healthy and happy. The mother would like to go to college, but she can't right now. Our son has some college already. Our reaction to learning of the baby (when he was 17 months old, by the way), was instant acceptance. In fact, I told our son that they ought to get married! I don't harp on it; I said it once. Other family members agree. Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby! Hugs, Pat

[> Subject: Re: Dilema Author: Sharon [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09/10/07 2:53pm Amanda, One thing that concerns me is that if you abort your first child together, you will always have the memory of that between the two of you. No other child will ever replace your first. (It sounds like this little person was meant to be here if he or she managed to get here in spite of birth control ;-) I, too, had my first child while in college. I managed to complete my Bachelors and go on to get my Masters. Having a child sometimes actually puts you in a position to receive more aid, plus there are many resources available to help. You should contact your county health nurse and get on the W.I.C. (Women Infants and Children) program. It provides you with free vouchers for healthy food while you're pregnant (like milk, cheese, peanut butter, eggs, iron-fortified cereal, and fruit juice). If you choose to nurse your baby, W.I.C. continues to provide you with nutritional food for a year after your pregnancy. If you decide not to nurse, it provides your baby with formula for a year and with healthy food until he or she is 5! It's a GREAT program. I just feel a real heaviness in my heart when you say that you don't want to have an abortion, but feel like you might have to. One of the main indicators of whether or not a woman will regret having had an abortion is if she felt pressured (by circumstances, by husband, by parents, by school, by job, by finances, by whatever) to have the abortion, but didn't REALLY want to have it. Right now, your little one has only you to protect him or her. I can promise you that you will never regret NOT having an abortion, but many women regret HAVING an abortion. You might want to go online and find out information about fetal development. Lots of times, we tend to think of the baby growing inside us as the size of a pencil dot, when realy the baby developes very early on. In fact, he or she has a heart that is beating, brain waves, and all organs in place by the time most women even know they're pregnant. So, far from being a mass of cells or blob of tissue, the little one growing inside you is a tiny human being - your tiny son or daughter. I had an appointment to have an abortion, but I cancelled it. Words can't describe how grateful I am that I did. At the moment I was making "my" choice, I held my son's very life in my hands. My life is so blessed with his presence now. I'll say a prayer for you and your fiance and your little one. There always seems to be not quite enough money, regardless of the things that fill our lives. But, money pales in comparision to the reality that you two are the parents of your own tiny little person. God bless you... Sharon

[> Subject: Re: Dilema Author: luka [ Edit | View ] Date Posted: 09/10/07 5:33pm I agree with all of the above. You can't begin to know now how you'll feel post abortion. It will change everything, either way if you do or you don't your life will not be the same. Just think long and hard before you decide. I have had an abortion so i know what i am talking about here. You can be a sure as hell you don't want to be pregnant for whatever reason and be certain that having an abortion is whats best. I have walked into one of those clinics teling myself things like that but i didn't leave there feeling good or right or that what i did was best. I walked out of there furious at myself at the babys father and at the world. The regret was searing, i'm serious, it's heartbreaking and not something that really ever leaves you. You definately feel different afterwards but it's not good :( You realise the reality that you just ended the life of your own baby. Please think about it. Your folks will most likely come around. I've seen it happen time and again. Your folks probably think they are excersing a form of tough love making you feel like you have no support will push into not having a baby at this inconveinient time. Naturally your parents only want to see you have a baby when the time is right after college ect. But the reality of the situation is this baby is here now. No amount of denial can change that. You have to be strong. If you decide to keep your baby they will learn to accept it and likely come to dote on their little grandchild. If they have any love for you at all then the odds are in favour of them comming around. This is a complex situation and right now you and your boyfriend both have each other and alot of love between you-- this is so important, it's the most important factor. My advice is to get as much information as possible about keeping your child. Entertain the idea, you owe yourself and you child that at the very least. Please don't rush to have an abortion without seriously thinking about it from all angles.