Getting close...kinda scared -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject:

Getting close...kinda scared

Author:
Laurel

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Date Posted: 09/ 3/07 11:22pm

Hey there all! I'm back again looking for advice. I'm due on Oct 12, and issues are starting to come up over who will be going with me to the hospital and staying with me. Me and my ex still talk as friends, and are comfortable right now as just that. I feel safer keeping my distance because it wouldn't surprise me for his bipolar disorder to flair up. He does want to be there for the birth of our daughter, and as long as he is being supportive I find myself entertaining the idea, though I'm still wary about it and haven't made a decision. However, since I'm still staying with my mom she is getting pushy about it and upset. I understand she is just being protective, but we have never been extremely close, and it is making me uncomfortable. Every time I come in the house, she asks me where I have been with plenty of sarcasm, because she thinks that since I talk to my ex sometimes, we must be getting back together and I must have been with him, no matter how much I tell her we're not. I haven't broken up with him and gone back before, so I don't exactly understand her reasoning behind this. She told me the other day that she had made some "decisions." That she would be going to the doctor with me next time and driving me to the hospital as well, as though I were still a child that isn't allowed to make decisions. The whole reason being she doesn't want my ex anywhere around and doesn't want the decision left to me.

I just feel like this is MY time, that I should be able to do this in a way that I am comfortable with, and not have to worry about what everybody else thinks is right or hurting so and so's feelings, even if that means having no one there at all. The thought of becoming a parent and being responsible for a tiny new person is overwhelming in and of itself to me, and it is making me nervous. I want to be a good mom, but all I know about babies is what I read and what I have learned from some very limited contact with my friends' children. I want this experience to be as stress free as is possible, but no one seems to be thinking about my feelings. I wish I could talk to her about it, but she will just get angry. I'm not so much worried about my ex's feelings, especially since I don't live with him. Am I wrong to want to do this my way? I hate feeling guilty all the time and it feels unfair to me. Any suggestions on how to go about this softly or should I just lay it all out on the table and let the pieces fall where they may?

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Getting close...kinda scared

Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 09/ 4/07 7:41pm

Hi Laurel,

Poor thing! Why is it people don't cooperate when we really need them to??

I guess if yours were my situation I would shut everything out and ask myself who, if anyone, I truly want at the birth. Then matter of factly make your decision known - graciously but unapologetically.

I'm so excited for you that your birth is close! Don't worry too much about what to do as a mom. It may be true that you don't have a lot of experience, but you'll probably also be surprised at the instincts you have buried. I know when I had my first child the whole thing was just so strange - wonderful, but very strange. But instincts kicked in and 9 years later he's a great source of joy to me and a very comfortable companion.

As a side note, maybe your mother's response, suspicions etc mirror more her own fears or experience than what you elicit on your own?

Take good care of yourself!

Heather

[> Subject: Re: Getting close...kinda scared

Author:
luka
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Date Posted: 09/ 5/07 5:09pm

Oh man do i hear you! I have been in that situation of people only thinking of themselves so many times and making me feel guilty and like the meat in the sandwhich just as you are now. It's so confusing when it comes from those who are supposed to love and care from you isn't it? Don't let others make you feel guilty for wanting to do things your way. Trust me if you let the guilt sway you you'll regret it. It won't make you feel better to go along with what your mom or anyone else thinks it will only make you feel increasingly resentful and ruin what should be such lovely time in your life. If youre going to make a mistake at least let it be your mistake and not something someone else pressured you into know what i mean? This time is precious and it's not a dress rehersal. Please don't doubt yourself. Do what YOU think is best. Grr i wish people would give you a break, far out i can so relate to what you're going through. This is a time when all you should be concerned about is you and your baby. Your family should be there to help that happen not to burden you with their own agendas or insecurities. You sound like a very smart woman. I think you'll a great mum just keep on trusting yourself!