Re: Decision To Make -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Thursday, May 09, 6:20:46

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Subject: Re: Decision To Make

Author:
Heather

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Date Posted: 09/27/06 2:21pm
In reply to: Amz 's message, "Decision To Make" on 09/27/06 2:30am

Hi Amz,

Welcome to the forum?

Life's not easy, is it? I hear in your post not just the immediate stress of an unplanned pregnancy but the overall stress of life in finances, caring for the little girl you have (even good stress is stress!) and the difficulty in telling your family/friends about your last baby which indicates to me that you may have some people out there that would just about think you were 'crazy' if you had another child so soon. Add to that relationship stress and exhaustion that most parents of young children experience and it's no wonder to me why you find yourself a little confused about what's 'best' right now.

Since you asked for experiences, here's mine. My husband and I have four children, now aged 8,7,6 and 4. Only our first one was planned. The others came much closer than we'd intended. Our two daughters in the middle are only 1 year and 2 days apart; I got pregnant when the one was only 3 mos old! The older two are 14 mos apart.

Though each unplanned pregnancy was met with the same mix of natural joy at discovering another miracle had taken place and sheer dread and intense apprehension about what the timing of it would mean consequentially, things have worked out just fine. Like you, we were completely broke for the first three children and now are financially stable but certainly not rich.

But as one of the other women referenced, they get along so well now and entertain each other. Not only does this help me out practically in that they keep one another cheerfully occupied, it is just so adorable and gratifying to watch them. Their little friendships are precious, and I know they will be very close as adults. We have one son (the eldest) and three daughters.

So that's been my experience. My opinion is that the circumstances surrounding an unplanned pregnancy are always temporary, but abortion is permanent. I tend to weight the choice to end another human life from that grid. I know quite a few women who've had abortions and deeply regretted it, but none that chose to keep their baby instead of aborting them due to circumstances that have wound up regretting the choice to do so.

Do you have a support system for yourself? Despite what others may think, being pro-choice also means you have the right, if you want, to have another baby even if it doesn't 'seem' like the right time (how the heck do we ever know, anyway?) I empathize with this because my parents thought I was just completely insane to have four children back to back. And I heard quite a bit about it at first, but now they are just thrilled with their grandchildren and think it all worked out best timing wise afterall.

So if you have people in your life who will love you, support you and respect you no matter what you decide to do that would be a plus. Don't forget to take good care of yourself in general by getting as much extra rest and good nutrition as you can. It will be easier to think and see clearly with a well rested body.

Lastly, please feel more than welcome to come post anytime. This is such a great place for decompressing, and you will be respected regardless of what you decide. I hope you'll consider the less violent options of either adoption or adjusting to another child, though. Abortion is almost as bad for women as it is for the baby killed by it, in my opinion. Just don't listen to the idea that you don't have any other choice. Many times we're given situations in life that require thinking outside the box. Give yourself time to think and adjust; it's a big choice.

With Kindness,

Heather

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[> Subject: Re: Decision To Make

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 09/27/06 8:37pm

Hi, Amz,

You express such uncertainty about what you want to do. When you are not absolutely certain, you shouldn't go through with it! Abortion is forever, and you can't take it back. Your baby is depending on you for your protection, and you are the only person who can protect your baby.

Let me tell you a little about the situation we faced. We had months on end with no income whatsoever, and the total time like this was about six years. And we had seven children to provide for. That's about as extreme as you can get, I think. But we survived, and no one ever went hungry, and we didn't seek help from the government. We were able to make it, and sometimes the help we got came from a very unexpected place. At the time we had all those children (two are adopted), we were financially secure. But things changed. And they can just as easily change the other direction. The point is, things don't stay the same. I think if we could make it, you can, too.

Our closest children were 14 months apart, and several were two years apart in age.

Another thing to keep in mind is that your daughter will suffer if you have an abortion. Either you will not be able to mother her as well, or she will sense something is wrong and feel insecurity, or she will find out what happened, and she will feel survivor guilt. She will be afraid that if she doesn't measure up, you will do away with her, too. And there is a chance you will be seriously injured or killed if you have an abortion. It is happening a lot more often than we're being told. Your daughter could lose her mother.

I echo the statements made by other women here. Our children are incredibly close. They are so close that they help each other when one of them is in need, to the point where they even live together to share expenses if need be, including the married ones. It's not easy, but they make it work. At one point, four of them and one wife were all in the same household. I have lost track of the number of different arrangements like this they have had.

Ask yourself some questions. You would be harming your daughter's sibling. Can you really do that? Should you have to harm your baby because you have financial problems? Could you choose adoption instead? If not, aren't you saying that your problem is temporary and by the time your baby is born, you would welcome him or her into your lives?

You have plenty of time to work out your situation. Think outside the box. Start thinking of ways you can improve your situation. I know one woman who was desperate, and a friend helped her find a better apartment that was cheaper and closer to work, and that solved her problem! Crisis pregnancy agencies are very helpful, and can help you plan solutions to your problems.

Please protect your baby.

We will be here for you no matter what. We will be praying for you, and we love all of you.

Hugs,
Pat