My heart breaks for you... Your story is heart-wrenching.
That you are able to verbalize your sorrow is one step towards healing. I hope and pray you will find peace.
Are you and your girlfriend still together?
It is such a tragedy that our society makes abortion sound like it will "cure" problems, when abortion really leaves terrible, unbelievable problems in its wake. The emotional wounds of abortion, as you know, are deep. But, there are many who wish to offer compassion and support to those suffering the after-effects of abortion. Please seek out resources for fathers who've lost their young to abortion. I strongly suggest the Elliot Institute.