Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 09/26/09 4:58pm
Hi, DJ,
I can understand how you feel, because I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Although adoption can work, it's also heart-wrenching, and relatives beside the mother seem to pretty much lose contact with the child. Open adoption helps, but I don't know how much.
I've been at this one from many of the angles. We have two adopted kids (and five others), and our younger daughter has two. Ours were closed adoptions, and hers are open. We have nine grandchildren. One of them was born out of wedlock. His parents are taking turns caring for him so they both can work. I want them to get married and I have said so, but he is steadfastly refusing to do so, even though it would be the best for the son in more than one way. I told him I wouldn't hound him about it, though I do mention it in passing occasionally, and he tells me whether they are keeping company or not (largely not).
Usually, if people are wise, they'll postpone the decision about adopting until the last couple of months before the birth. Both parents need a chance to bond. Fathers usually bond later, during the second trimester. This is because they need to experience some evidence for themselves. Mothers experience this evidence earlier. The father needs to hear a heartbeat, see an ultrasound, see changes in the mother's body, or feel movement. Give him time. And yes, your advice to wait to make the decision is good.
If he refuses to be willing to be a father to the child, she's better off without him, even though she loves him. And that also comes naturally, by the way, because hormones cause women to bond with their partner. She may have chosen to cherish him as well, but for the man, the only thing they can do is choose to cherish, because they don't have the hormones. She and her baby deserve a man who will cherish them both. Adoption is her decision, not his.
If your daughter really is rebellious enough to do the opposite from what you say, then for now, the best thing is not to express an opinion. Pray. Let God handle it; turn her and her baby over to Him. He will work His perfect will. You can tell your daughter how excited you are, looking forward to the birth of your first grandchild, but don't make any suggestions about what she ought to do. She can infer that if she places her baby for adoption, it will break your heart. If she'll let you, later on, ask her to let you feel the movement. If she doesn't want to give her baby up, trust that she will make the decision not to do this, in spite of what the father says. You can probably ask some subtle questions about whether or not he will support her if she doesn't choose adoption.
You are right that seeing an ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat can turn things around. Be patient. It's about all you can do.
Please keep in touch and let us know how things go.
Hugs,
Pat
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