VoyForums

Monday, October 23, 17:43:12VoyUser Login optional ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 123456789 ]
Subject: Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant


Author:
Melanie
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 09/26/09 12:22pm
In reply to: DJ 's message, "My 19 year old daughte ris pregnant" on 09/25/09 1:52pm

I think telling her that she doesn't have to make a decision right away is one of the best things. Also, there is more than one type of adoption (open and closed) and in the first case it's possible to maintain some contact. I used to have a friend that did adoption counseling and she always recommended that a woman wait until she at least felt the baby move before she decided.

Ultimately, as helpless as it feels, she will ultimately decide. But do ask her what she wants, and where she plans to go from here either way.

You might want to talk to the dad, show him ultrasound pictures when you have them, and ask him what he plans to do either way (if she keeps the baby or not, what his plans are for his relationship with your daughter.) Don't be sneaky about it or anything, because you will totally alienate your daughter. Ask her permission for things. My daughter gets pretty upset if I do things without talking to her about it first (which is understandable most of the time.)

My daughter thought of adoption for a really short time, but not for long. Sometimes the only thing you really can do is wait.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:
[> Subject: Re: My 19 year old daughte ris pregnant


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09/26/09 4:58pm

Hi, DJ,

I can understand how you feel, because I'd feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Although adoption can work, it's also heart-wrenching, and relatives beside the mother seem to pretty much lose contact with the child. Open adoption helps, but I don't know how much.

I've been at this one from many of the angles. We have two adopted kids (and five others), and our younger daughter has two. Ours were closed adoptions, and hers are open. We have nine grandchildren. One of them was born out of wedlock. His parents are taking turns caring for him so they both can work. I want them to get married and I have said so, but he is steadfastly refusing to do so, even though it would be the best for the son in more than one way. I told him I wouldn't hound him about it, though I do mention it in passing occasionally, and he tells me whether they are keeping company or not (largely not).

Usually, if people are wise, they'll postpone the decision about adopting until the last couple of months before the birth. Both parents need a chance to bond. Fathers usually bond later, during the second trimester. This is because they need to experience some evidence for themselves. Mothers experience this evidence earlier. The father needs to hear a heartbeat, see an ultrasound, see changes in the mother's body, or feel movement. Give him time. And yes, your advice to wait to make the decision is good.

If he refuses to be willing to be a father to the child, she's better off without him, even though she loves him. And that also comes naturally, by the way, because hormones cause women to bond with their partner. She may have chosen to cherish him as well, but for the man, the only thing they can do is choose to cherish, because they don't have the hormones. She and her baby deserve a man who will cherish them both. Adoption is her decision, not his.

If your daughter really is rebellious enough to do the opposite from what you say, then for now, the best thing is not to express an opinion. Pray. Let God handle it; turn her and her baby over to Him. He will work His perfect will. You can tell your daughter how excited you are, looking forward to the birth of your first grandchild, but don't make any suggestions about what she ought to do. She can infer that if she places her baby for adoption, it will break your heart. If she'll let you, later on, ask her to let you feel the movement. If she doesn't want to give her baby up, trust that she will make the decision not to do this, in spite of what the father says. You can probably ask some subtle questions about whether or not he will support her if she doesn't choose adoption.

You are right that seeing an ultrasound or hearing the heartbeat can turn things around. Be patient. It's about all you can do.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things go.

Hugs,
Pat

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> Subject: Re: My 19 year old daughte ris pregnant


Author:
DJ
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09/27/09 9:22am

Thank you all so much for responding to my message and giving me advice. It means so much to me and is helping in so many ways. My daughter is having a sonogram this week. Her boyfriend is going with her. Hopefully, that will bring them closer together and they will see the reality of this baby to be. Thanks again, friends. God Bless!

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: Re: My 19 year old daughte ris pregnant


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09/27/09 6:04pm

Hi, DJ,

We're with you all the way.

It will probably help if you start to refer to her child as "her baby" rather than "her baby to be". Just a suggestion.

Hugs,
Pat

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: Re: My 19 year old daughte ris pregnant


Author:
Lori
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09/27/09 7:09pm

That is great news!! I'm still praying. Be sure to let your daughter know that she can email me any time too. Please keep us updated!

God Bless you,
Lori

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]


VoyUser Login ] Not required to post.
Post a public reply to this message | Go post a new public message
Note: This forum is moderated -- new posts are not visible until approved.
* HTML allowed in marked fields.
* Message subject (required):

* Name (required):

  Expression (Optional mood/title along with your name) Examples: (happy, sad, The Joyful, etc.) help)

  E-mail address (optional):

* Type your message here:

Choose Message Icon: [ View Emoticons ]

Note: This forum is moderated -- new posts are not visible until approved.

Notice: Copies of your message may remain on this and other systems on internet. Please be respectful.


Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2017 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.