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Date Posted: 02:33:00 06/03/05 Fri
Author: Ashlee
Subject: Inside
In reply to: Ashlee 's message, "Do You Believe In Fate? ***PART 15***" on 02:30:51 06/03/05 Fri

Title: Do You Believe In Fate? part 15

Author: Ashlee

A/N: sorry about taking so long to update! Things are just so crazy right now. I am supposed to be cleaning my room for open house right now, lol...but as long as I don't get caught, I'm gonna write another chapter. Thanks for the reviews! :)

Part 15


Harm froze, setting the garlic bread back on top of the stove, and turning around to face her. He smiled at the sight of her. Mac's hair was ruffled, her eyes squinting together sleepily. She reached a hand up to rub them as she yawned. She smiled at him as her gaze met his. Harm didn't think she'd ever looked more beautiful.

Harm chuckled softly. "ready to eat, I take it?" he joked.

"Yes please." Mac teased, as she crossed the room to take a seat at the table. "Why didn't you wake me up?" she asked, pretending to be agitated.

Harm rolled his eyes as he made her plate. " You needed to sleep."

"I needed to EAT." she joked. She was grateful to him though. He was being so loving and gentle with her, and she had taken notice of the blanket covering her when she had woken up.

Harm crossed the room to lean over and set the plate down in front of her.

"Thank you Harm." she looked up at him, a smile finding its way to her lips. "You're being awfully sweet." Without warning, she lifted a hand to his forehead.

"What are you doing?" he asked her teasingly, a huge smile on his face.

"Checking for fever." she replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?" he asked, chuckling at her antics.

"To make sure you're feeling well." she responded cheekily.

"Oh, I see, " he teased. "Something has to be wrong with me for me to act this way?"

He crossed the room to start making his plate.

"Well," Mac took a bite of her spaghetti. "I've just never seen you like this before."

Harm sat down across from her with his plate. "Well, I've never been this happy before either."

Mac froze. She stared at him as he took a bite of his spaghetti, unaware of her gaze. She wasn't exactly sure why his words had affected her like they had....perhaps it was because she believed he truly meant them.

Harm looked up as he was about to take another bite, when he saw her staring. Mac wasn't
eating? Something had to be wrong.

"You ok?" he asked softly.

"Yeah...." she answered him, looking like she was off in her own little world, a crooked smile on her
lips.

"Mac?" he questioned, one eyebrow raised in amusement.

"I uh....was just thinking about what you said....about not ever being this happy...." she trailed off
thoughtfully.

" Well, I meant it Mac.."

"I know you did." she nodded her head slightly in agreement. She made eye contact with him.

"I've never been this happy either, Harm.....it's..." Mac started to tear up.

Harm reached across the table to take her hand in his. "I know..."

Mac smiled sweetly at him. "I love you, you know."

Harm replied in a cocky tone. "You know, I believe you've mentioned it once or twice."

"Well," Mac laughed. "I'm making up for lost time."

"By all means, feel free to do so." he laughed.

He ran a thumb lightly over the back of the hand that he was holding.

"I love you too Mackenzie."

Mac breathed a sigh. "All these years....all this time...and here we are..."

"Afraid you'll wake up and find this all a dream?" he only half-teased.

"Honestly...I am....it's all just so hard to believe."

"You know, I always pictured us like this someday, Mac....together, unbelievably happy...."

"You did?" Mac's eyes searched his.

"Yeah.....in the back of my mind....you were always the one I pictured myself with, it just felt right that we be together forever..........but I didn't trust myself enough to be with you Mac.."

"What do you mean?" she asked him, confusion on her face.

"I didn't trust myself to be the man you deserved." he said, unable to look at her as he said it.

"Harm...how could you say that?" she couldn't believe what she was hearing...Harm was everything she could ever need or want in a man.

"It's true Mac....I uh...didn't want to hurt you....was so scared that things would go bad between us and I would lose you forever....I thought you deserved more than me...I still do...I still wonder how it is possible that you would want to spend the rest of your life with me..."

"Harm.." Mac breathed. "You're the only man that I've ever wanted in my life..."

It was Mac's turn to look down. She knew that a time would come when they would need to talk, clear the air, explain things that had happened between them. Now was as good a time as any....this was going to take a while.

"Harm,...every man in my life....they had always told me with their words how much they loved me and wanted me, but had always contradicted those words with their actions. But, as long as they told me they loved me, I believed them....and I was with them because they made me feel wanted...and that felt good...it made me feel like maybe I was....that I was worth something."Mac struggled with the words, hoping he wouldn't see her as less because of them. Harm squeezed her hand supportively, urging her on.

"Harm....with you...you never said the words...and I couldn't get past that...I told myself that if you truly loved me enough you would tell me......and you didn't, so I held that against you.In sydney..." Mac's eyes shut briefly at the memory, as she took a deep breath. " I tried to get you to say it...and when you didn't give me what I wanted to hear, I wanted to make you regret it....so I accepted Mic's ring...."

Harm stiffened slightly at the memory of seeing them kiss at the airport.

"...In Paraguay....you had shown me everything I needed to know by what you did...but I pressed you to say it....and you couldn't, so I told you never...."

Mac wiped a tear away with her free hand.

"You always showed your love by your actions......the things you did for me....but I wanted to hear the words.....it was wrong of me and I'm ashamed of myself....what happened in Paraguay Harm....I....you gave up everything for me, and you didn't deserve that things I said to you."

"Mac, I said some equally bad things to you in Paraguay ..." Harm tried to reassure her.

Mac shook her head sadly. "I never thanked you....how could you forgive me for that?"

"I didn't resign my commission and risk my life to save you just to get a thank you, Mac.." he said softly. " I did it because I couldn't bear the thought of doing nothing, when the woman I loved could die without knowing how much I cared about her....when I saw that you were alive Mac....I was so relieved.....and then when I saw you kiss Webb, I just got so angry....and jealous...I was angry that he had already wormed his way into your heart.....and after 9 years we were still trying to make things work. I was afraid it was too late for us....and then you said never......." He looked down at their joined hands.

"Should we really get into all this now?..." He asked gently.

Mac nodded. "If not now, when?"

Harm nodded. "Ok, let's move this into the living room?" he suggested.

"ok" Mac responded, getting up and following him through the doorway to the living room.

Mac was surprised when once in the living room, Harm turned to her and pulled her into a hug.

"Let's promise not to fight." he whispered in her ear.

Mac smiled. "I promise, flyboy...I didn't come here to argue, remember?" she asked sugggestively.

Harm chuckled, as he ran a hand up and down her back. "ok, let's get this over with." he groaned teasingly.

Mac moved out of his embrace and over to the couch and sat down. Harm moved to sit in the chair across from the couch.

"Ok...where to start?" Harm laughed..."There's so many areas to cover here..."

Mac chuckled at how pathetic it all was really.

"Ok, I'll start..."

Harm waited, his elbows resting on his knees.

" ....When you left JAG to go back to flying..." she clasped her hands together, looking insecure of her words and feelings at the present time.

Harm stared at her and immediately could see the pain written across her features. He had no idea it had hurt her like it obviously had.

"Mac...I didn't leave you..."

" Yes, you did Harm...you left JAG, your life, ...me..." she trailed off looking down at the carpet.

"Mac, I never thought of it as that...it was just a chance to fly again...to live on a carrier...I needed to voluntarily give that up...it was taken from me before, when I was diagnosed..the choice was made for me.." He tried desperately to make her see his point.

"At the time it felt like your whole life had been "plan b"...and now that you could go back to the original,
.....plan b and everyone in it..including me...didn't fit into your life anymore."

"Mac...it hurt me to leave you...it really did...I missed you like crazy, you have to know that.....it was just something I had to do....when I came back to JAG, you were partnered with Mic and everything seemed so different...I regretted leaving then...I missed how close we were before...in some ways Mac, I don't think our friendship has ever fully recovered from that....and I'm to blame." he said resignedly.

"Harm, I understand that it was something you had to do....I mean, you'd probably still be wondering
what it would be like if you hadn't had that opportunity...I know...I just...I missed my best friend..."
she smiled at him sadly.

"It didn't seem like you had missed me when I got back..."

"Harm....you know me...you know how I don't like to be vulnerable or show emotion....and this was no different. I didn't want to let you see the affect your leaving had on me........I didn't want you to know you had that kind of power over me...I was scared to let you back in, scared that I would only get hurt again..." she fidgeted with her hands.

"I never meant to hurt you Mac..." he told her gently, wanting nothing more than to hold her in his
arms.

"I know you didn't...." she looked up at him finally, letting him know she meant what she said.

"Mac?" Harm asked gently.

"yes, Harm?"

There was a pause. ".......What happened in Sydney ?..."

Mac looked down, not sure she was ready to go there yet.

"...Harm....I..." she started, then stopped.

"Mac...I wasn't rejecting you..." he needed her to know that.

" No? It sure felt like it Harm..." Mac said, the painful memories coming back to her in vivid color.

"Mac you are too special....too special for me to have said yes to what you were offering...God Mac, do you think I didn't want to? I wanted to take you up on it so badly...."

"Then why didn't you?.." Mac asked softly, obviously still carrying the wounds the moment had caused.

"Because I was scared....and I didn't want things to happen that way...." he looked down at his feet.

" I felt like you didn't want me....I practically threw myself at you.." she paused, before Iooking anywhere but at him. "....I.. wanted to make love to you that night Harm...." she clasped her hands together so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

"Mac....I wanted you....believe me, when you said those things to me....I could barely breathe I wanted it so badly.....but I couldn't do that to you Mac, I couldn't do that to US...we weren't ready...and I wanted things to be perfect for us....I always screwed things up with every other woman...and you were different...you were special, and I wanted to do things right..." he met her gaze. "I've never wanted any woman like I have you Mac...."

Mac let out a shaky breath. "I was so hurt...I wanted to make you see that if you didn't act soon,I would slip away from you...so I accepted Mic...but it did the opposite, you respected my decision ....you backed away."

"I was shocked when I saw you together at the airport...and the ring....but it was your decision...I just wanted you to be happy..." he shrugged. "and then at your engagement party...I needed to know I had done the right thing....needed to know there was nothing between us...but that night proved exactly the opposite." He smiled softly at her, remembering their kiss.

Mac chuckled softly. "That was a surprise..." She looked down as the memories from that night invaded her thoughts..."I never expected that to happen..."

Harm laughed at that. "Neither did I...but I'm not sorry it did."

Mac met his gaze. "Neither am I.....but I am sorry for going back in and pretending to be happy with a man that wasn't right for me....when your plane went down....I knew....I knew that I loved you and I couldn't go through with the wedding...I thought I had lost you....and I was to blame...I pushed you to be there...."

"Mac, no...it wasn't your fault. I needed to be there for my best friend..you were right. I didn't want to be there....to see you marry anyone that wasn't me....but I was happy for you Mac..."

"...and I was stupid to let everything go so far..." Mac trailed off.

" Mac.....we both have done our share of stupid things over the years.."

" Harm...I need to know something....." Mac cleared her throat.

She needed to get this out....they needed to talk about it. Mac had been so hurt when he had pushed her away....had refused to let her in....she needed to know why.

"About....about Mattie...." she started shakily. "why did you push me away?"

Harm sighed a long sigh, trying to come up with an answer to give her that would somehow make sense.

" I....I was trying to be too strong for my own good....I was wrong...but I didn't want to let myself be vulnerable with you...."

Mac spoke softly after a moment. "...why?.."

"..Because I didn't think I could be......because being open with you wasn't just about Mattie...things were strained between us....I thought I had lost you when you had your accident at christmas Mac.....and then it seemed like things were looking up for us....and then there you were being distant again....pushing me away again....I couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster that had become our relationship....I wanted to do it without your help."

Mac tried not to be hurt. "I suppose that's fair..."

Harm looked at her helplessly. " I did appreciate you being there Mac...knowing that you wanted to be there for me...it meant alot."

"But you didn't want me comforting you....even to touch you..." Mac whispered.

"What did you want me to do Mac?" Harm raised his voice a little.

"I don't know.." Mac said emotionally.

"I couldn't let myself need you..."

Mac teared up. " I needed you to..."

"I know that now" Harm sighed. "I'm sorry Mac...."

Mac nodded, wiping away a lone tear that had made its way down her cheek.

Harm got up and came to sit on the edge of the coffee table, coming face to face with her. He smiled as her eyes met his. She smiled back.

"All those years and we clear most of it up in 30 minutes.." he joked to clear the air.

" 29 minutes, 47 seconds.." Mac corrected him in a teasing tone.

Harm chuckled. "You know, you're going to have to tell me how you do that soon.."

"Says who?" she joked.

" I'll get it out of you...one way or another..." he said cockily.

"OH really?..and just HOW do you plan to do that?" she arched an eyebrow.

"Oh I have my ways...." Harm said mischeviously.

" I wouldn't be so sure of yourself there Harm..." she teased back, pointing a finger into his chest,
knowing full well that that smile of his could get him anything he wanted.




TBC... please review! tell me what ya think! :)

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Replies:

[> [> Another great chapter. Hurry and post more. -- BlueJay, 03:08:07 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> Another excellent chapter!!!!!!! -- Cokie...hoping everything went well with Graduation and your speech., 05:15:39 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> I have Loved every moment of this story!!.. -- Micky, 09:02:18 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> YAY! You're back! Thanks for another great chapter! -- JAG Junkie, 19:08:20 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> Excellent! Where are the other chapters located? Could you email the story to me? -- Manda, 19:53:46 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> [> It's in the first page of the archives. -- JAG Junkie, 20:11:19 06/03/05 Fri


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[> [> That was beautiful! Cant wait for more. -- Suze, 00:40:32 06/04/05 Sat


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[> [> Great Chapter. -- Cathy F., 01:47:15 06/04/05 Sat


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[> [> excellent converstion -- phoebe, 04:19:08 06/05/05 Sun


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