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Date Posted: 18:31:55 06/06/05 Mon
Author: TracyJean
Subject: DOALS I - Hands To Heaven 1/10
In reply to: TracyJean 's message, "Drifting On A Lonely Sea Chapter I - Hands To Heaven" on 18:19:27 06/06/05 Mon

One more note - this was originally posted in 6 parts, but from part 4 on, the parts are two long for Voy to handle, so part 4 (which is the NC-17 part) was split into 3 parts and parts 5 and 6 were both split into 2 parts.

~*~*~*~

<i>All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Wishing you'd come back to me and that's all that matters now
All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories and it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows all at once</i>

"All At Once", performed by Whitney Houston

~*~*~*~

<i>So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we’ll be back together someday
Tonight I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness </i>

"Hands To Heaven", performed by Breathe

~*~*~*~

WEDNESDAY MORNING
23 MAY 2001
JAG HEADQUARTERS

Mac stared down at the stack of papers in front of her on her desk, trying to concentrate. She was taking the next two days off in preparation for her wedding and she wanted to get rid of the backlog of paperwork on her desk. It wouldn't be fair to dump it all on someone else, no matter what the circumstances. It wasn't everyone else's fault that Mac found it harder and harder to focus on work the closer it got to her wedding day.

Most would have assumed that Mac's occasional inability to concentrate on work stemmed from her wedding, that she was the typical giddy bride looking forward to her wedding day with an excitement that could not be contained. It frustrated Mac that nothing could be further from the truth. She wanted to be giddy. She wanted to be counting the hours and minutes left until she would become Mrs. Mic Brumby. She wanted to look forward to her wedding day with the anticipation born long ago in a little girl's dreams of her fairytale wedding. But she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

Unconsciously, she rubbed a finger over her lips and remembered how it had felt. It had just been a kiss, one of a multitude she’d received in her life. And it hadn't been the first time that he’d kissed her. She’d known what it felt like, his mouth moving tenderly over hers, had known how he tasted. So why did one stolen moment on a cool May night haunt her so much?

She didn't even have to close her eyes to see clearly in her mind how it had started out as tender goodbye kiss and grown in intensity until she was positive the only thing holding her upright was his hand pressed against her back, holding her firmly against him. She’d tried to back away. Oh, how she’d tried. But she'd never expected him to finally let go, to express in his actions everything that she'd ever wanted from him but had given up on hoping for. That was why, when he’d pulled her back to him, she hadn't resisted. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself.

Mac closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. She could still feel the tingling sensation as his lips touched hers. Her back felt warm where his hand had pressed against it. If they hadn't both been so aware of the house full of guests and their significant others, just on the other side of the door. . . .She should put it out of her mind. She had to put it out of her mind. She knew that in her head. Her heart had just refused to listen.
At a time when she should be running as fast as she could in the opposite direction, she’d oddly found herself closer to Harm than they’d been since he’d left JAG to return to active flight status. They spent more time together, laughed together, generally enjoyed each other's company. And they touched. A hand on an arm. A pat on the shoulder. Fingers clasped together. Mac knew they were playing with fire. They both did. That was evident every time they looked into each other's eyes. But Mac kept telling herself that what little contact they allowed themselves was better than none at all. And maybe if she told herself that enough times, she would find herself believing it.

Her eyes snapped open at the sound of a knock on her partially closed door. Her gaze met Harm's and they stared at each other for a long moment, the hint of a smile playing on their lips. Finally, Mac broke the silence and asked, "What can I do for you?"

"I. . . .something's come up," he said, stepping in her office, resisting the urge to push the door closed behind him. But being with Mac behind closed doors was too great a temptation and she’d made her choice. He had to accept that. "I needed to talk to you about it."

"Take a seat," she suggested, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. Harm looked at the chair for a moment, and then shook his head.

"On second thought," he said, "why don't we take a break? We've both been buried under paperwork all day. It's a nice day out today. Why don't we take a walk?"

"I don't know," she hesitated, shaking her head. "I've got a lot to get done before I go on leave ....” Her voice trailed off as she noted to look in his eyes. Ever since that night, she’d found herself paying more attention to his eyes, learning to read what he was thinking. Right now, what she was seeing was a look that she hadn’t seen in a couple of years.... since he’d shown up at her apartment to tell her that he was returning to active flight status. She had the feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that whatever he was about to say, she didn't really want to hear it. Taking a deep breath, she nodded agreement. "Let me get my cover."

"Thank you," he said. Mac's hand froze on her desk drawer at his tone and she studied him for a long moment. She couldn't explain it, but she sensed from him that this was of vital importance – to both of them.

~*~*~*~

Once they were outside the building, slowly walking the grounds, Harm found himself hesitating. Honestly, he was a bit relieved about his news, but he was concerned about Mac's reaction. He wasn't sure why. She was going to marry another man in three days. Wouldn't it be more comfortable for her if he wasn't there, a reminder of the turmoil in her heart? But Mac seemed to be concerned about his reactions to what was happening in her life.
She’d obviously been worried about his reaction when she'd told him a few weeks earlier that he wouldn't be able to sit at the head table at the wedding reception. Even already knowing that he was going to be there, she’d asked him specifically a few hours before the engagement party if she would see him there.

Harm thought that he’d finally figured out the tangled feelings between them, but her concern made it even harder, a constant reminder of what he could never have. There were times when he wished that he’d remained oblivious. Why had he finally opened up to her on the Admiral's porch? Why couldn't he have backed away, as he'd done on the ferry? Maybe then it would be easier to pretend that he was happy as the person he cared about most in the world made a life with another man.

He glanced at Mac and found her looking at him expectantly, waiting patiently for him to reveal his news. It had been his idea to come out here. A part of him considered forgetting about the whole thing and just taking off for the Patrick Henry, letting the chips fall where they may. But then he remembered the hurt look on his face when she’d found out he'd had his eyes fixed without telling her. He'd promised himself that he would never do that to her again. But once again, the rules of engagement had changed.

"So how was your presentation?" he asked, breaking the silence, deciding to go with small talk while he figured out how to break his news.

"It went fine," she replied, recognizing the delaying tactic, but going along with it. She was trying to learn not to push him so hard. Hell, her pushing had been what had put them in this situation to begin with. First, she'd pushed too hard in Sydney and ended up in another man's arms. Then, she'd pushed him at the engagement party, but instead of running away as he had in Sydney, he'd pushed back this time and look what it had gotten them. Three days before her wedding and she couldn't convince herself to be the ecstatic bride.

<i>"You do love your husband, don't you?"

"I don't know." </i>

Mac shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts which had been plaguing her since the party and which had found a focus as she’d researched her presentation on the Somers mutiny of 1842. How had she managed to relate the court-martial of her ancestor to her ambivalence about Mic? She sighed. The Somers mutiny was hardly a safe topic for conversation. Then again, was there any such thing between them anymore?

"Mac?" Harm asked, watching her with concern. "Are you okay?"

"There's just a lot going on," she replied. It was the truth, as far as that went.

Harm came to a stop and turned to her. Mac glanced around them. They were at a far corner of the grounds surrounding JAG headquarters, away from the usual traffic of people coming and going. That nagging voice inside Mac's head suggested that this wasn't a good idea, but she squashed it. Harm was her best friend. She owed it to him to listen to what he had to say.

"As I'm sure you're aware," he began, "I have to qualify every year to keep my flight status current. My year is up at the end of the month and I've done everything except for the carrier landing portion of my quals." He watched as she thought about what he was saying, making the connections in her mind.

"You're going to be deployed sometime in the next week to carrier," she concluded.

"I report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow," he told her, continuing quickly before she could protest. "I'm driving up to Norfolk tonight and I'll take a helo from there in the morning. Just in case something happens and things take longer than planned, it's better to go now, than wait until after the holiday Monday when there will only be three days left in the month. Anyway, as of next week, I'm acting chief of staff and need to be here at JAG."

"I see," she replied carefully, having the sinking feeling she knew where this was going. "And when will you be back?"

"I'm not sure," he replied, shrugging. This was the part that he was dreading telling her. "The plan is sometime Saturday, but I'm not sure exactly when. Could even be Sunday."

"Sunday," she repeated, trying – and not entirely succeeding - to stifle her dismay. "My wedding's on Saturday and there's the rehearsal dinner on Friday."

"I know," he said softly. If he was aware of nothing else, it was that her wedding to another man was on Saturday. "I'm up against a deadline here. If I delay the orders until after the wedding, then I run the risk of running out of time to complete my quals. Sure, I can probably complete them in a couple of days, maybe three, but things can happen that can drag that out."

"And if you don't complete your quals, then your flight status is threatened," she realized. She knew how much his flight status meant to him, even if he was no longer a part of an active duty squadron. "I understand, but. . . ."

"Mac," he said, picking up her right hand and squeezing it gently. "I'm sorry."

"You said the plan is to come back on Saturday?" she asked, clinging to that thought.

"That's the idea," he replied, hoping that she wasn't going where he thought she was about to with this. It would be easier if he couldn't make it back. "I'd like to salvage something of the holiday weekend before my workload is doubled for the next couple of weeks."

"I suppose you have plans with Renee," she said, trying to bury the flicker of jealousy she felt. She was with Mic. She couldn't expect him to spend his time pining for her, despite coming to terms with the feelings between them. It wasn't fair. . . .to any of them.

"Not really," he admitted. Renee had pushed, but even before he'd known about his orders for the Patrick Henry, he'd made the excuse that he wanted to get a jump start on some of the extra work that he would be stuck with. Of course, his desire to be alone had more to do with regrets over the direction of his life than a burning desire to work through the holiday weekend. He knew that he wasn't going to be very good company this weekend and he wasn't really in the mood to tolerate Renee's attempts to distract him.

She stared at her hand in his, her gaze focused on his thumb idly tracing circles on her palm. "Harm, I need you ...." she began, realizing how that sounded. She quickly added, a bit flustered, "I want you to be there for me. With Uncle Matt in Leavenworth, Chloe's going to be my only family there. I've got friends, but you mean.... more to me than just about anyone. That's why I'd invited you to the rehearsal dinner even though you're not in the wedding party. If nothing else, I need you to be at the wedding."

"Why, Mac?" he questioned her. He still held her hand and
she could feel the heat where his thumb gently rubbed her slowly spreading up her arm and through her. Her breath caught as she tried to think of a reply.

"I don't know," she admitted, her voice hesitant. "I just know that I need you there. I need to know that you are there and are.... happy for me."

"If this is what you want," he reminded her, "then I'm happy for you." Anyone who didn't know him very well might not have caught the slight tremor in his voice, as if he was trying to convince himself as much as Mac. But Mac, learning to look for the little clues to what he was thinking, noticed it, perhaps because it reflected the doubts in her own heart.

"Harm," she said with a hint of pleading, "I know that I'm asking a lot, and I can't explain why this is so important for me. Maybe it's that I think this will provide some closure. But I do know that I need to know that you will be there for me."

Harm tilted her head up with a finger, his gaze meeting hers and he allowed himself just a moment to become lost in the dark depths of her eyes. In that moment, he remembered why he would do anything for her. "I will," he said softly. "I promise."

Mac licked her suddenly dry lips. He would come home in time for the wedding. He wouldn't let anything stand in his way. Harm always kept his promises.

<i>"Don't make a promise you can't keep."

"I haven't yet." </i>

Well, he'd never broken a promise to her yet. It would be another three years before he would be forced to break that one. Until then, she would hold onto the knowledge that Harm's word was worth more than the most precious metal. "Thank you," she whispered, unconsciously leaning forward slightly as she lost herself in the turmoil evident in his eyes. She knew this would hurt him, more than he would probably ever admit, even to her. But he would still come simply because she’d asked him to. She didn't deserve for him to be so kind and understanding.
She closed her eyes, forcing back the tears that threatened to form.

She felt his free hand brush her cheek, meant to be a gesture of comfort. But she could feel so much more in his touch. Opening her eyes, she found that they’d somehow moved even closer together. It would be so easy. All she had to do would be to stretch up just a little bit and she could satisfy the hunger she'd been trying so hard to forget since the party.

That night, things had gotten away from her as a simple goodbye kiss had turned into so much more. This time, Mac was fully aware of what she was doing and what this meant as she closed the remaining distance between them and stood up on tip toe to press her lips against his.

She moaned against his open mouth when she felt his hand go to her back, welcoming the return of the heat she remembered from that night. Her hand slid up his arm and over his shoulder board to press against the back of his neck, her fingers moving over him in a soft massage. They were outside, where anyone might walk by, but neither had the strength or the will to put out the fire threatening to engulf them.

Harm started to pull away first, but he'd been haunted as much as she’d been the last couple of weeks and he found that he couldn't. He tugged at her lower lip, lightly running his tongue along the soft flesh, before losing himself again and deepening the kiss, his tongue sweeping the welcoming depths of her mouth. She swayed slightly against him as she met him with equal fervor, her tongue wrestling with his, and he tightened his hold on her.

Mac was finally the one who broke away first, taking a step back as she felt something hard pressing against her stomach. This was spinning too far out of their control. Harm turned his back to her, his breathing ragged, trying to regain some small measure of control. Mac reached out and let her fingers brush against his arm before dropping her hand. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," Harm replied just as softly, turning his head to glance back at her. "Never be sorry."

Mac wasn't sure she had the right to ask for more, but she did anyway. She couldn't help herself, anymore than she could have stopped herself from falling into his arms again, even when they both knew they shouldn't. "Stop by and see me before you go?" she requested.

Harm turned his head away again and nodded. "I will," he vowed.

Mac took a deep breath and forced herself to walk away, back to the pile of work waiting for her on her desk. But the voice was back in her head, taunting her.

<i>You do love your husband, don't you? .... You do love your husband, don't you? .... You do love your husband, don't you?</i>

"What does love have to do with anything?" she retorted aloud, drawing a curious glance from a passing petty officer, who snapped off a salute as soon as she caught sight of the silver oak clusters on Mac's collar. Mac automatically returned the salute, but she couldn't get the question out of her mind. She just wished that she
could satisfy herself with the answer.

~*~*~*~

A FEW HOURS LATER

Oddly enough, Mac found that she was better able to concentrate after her work after her meeting with Harm. With a smile on her face, she signed off on another report and tossed it on top of the rapidly growing pile of completed work.

“Thinking about our wedding, I hope,” Mic said from the door. Mac looked up from the file she’d just picked up, forcing the smile to remain on her face.

“Mic,” she said brightly. If her voice a little too bright, she was the only one who realized it. Mic rarely noticed the subtle clues – the look in her eyes, the slight change in her voice – that signaled a change in mood. Even when she was visibly upset at him, he tended more often than not to ignore the reason behind the mood, opting to try to charm her out of her bad mood rather than dealing with what had caused it in the first place. But it never resolved any of the problems between them. More and more, Mac was beginning to realize that. But it wasn’t that simple. Not after all this time.

Harm would have noticed, the voice in her head reminded her. Mac shook her head and forced her attention back to her fiancé. “What can I do for you, Mic?” she asked as she opened the folder in front of her.

“Just wanted to see if you wanted to take off a bit early and spend some time with me, luv,” he said cheerfully.

“Mic,” she protested, managing for the most part to keep the frustration out of her voice, “I have a lot of work to finish. Today’s my last day before the wedding and I want to get as much of this done as possible.”

“Rabb’s filling in as chief of staff while you’re gone, right?” he countered. “I’m sure he would understand if you left it for him, with the wedding to think about and all that.”

Mac managed to bite back a stinging retort. Everything was going to be hard enough for Harm as it was in the coming days and weeks. She wasn’t about to make things worse by unnecessarily dumping her work in his lap so she could play hooky with her persistent fiancé, even if Harm was going to be around to handle the extra load. Which he wasn’t, she reminded herself.

Harm chose that moment to poke his head in Mac’s office. “Sorry, am I interrupting anything?” he asked automatically, although sorry was about as far away from what he felt as one could get. But he would make nice even if it killed him. He wasn’t about to lose Mac’s friendship, no matter to whom she was married. And if Mic had a problem with his and Mac’s friendship, Harm was determined that was going to be Mic’s problem – not his and certainly not Mac’s if he could help it. Mac had promised that she wasn’t going to lose him and Harm was holding onto that with everything in him.

Mic opened his mouth to speak, to give Harm the brush off, but Mac jumped in before he could start anything. “Of course not,” Mac replied smoothly. “Are you taking off already?”

“The Admiral gave me the time to go home and pack since I’m driving to Norfolk,” Harm replied, focusing his attention on her. Unfortunately, Mic did notice that – he tried to notice everything when he saw Harm and Mac together – and decided to interrupt.

“Heading off on a case, mate?” Mic asked in a too pleasant voice. Maybe it would keep Harm away long enough to miss the wedding. Mic could have cared less if Harm was there to wish them well, even if it meant forgoing the opportunity to show off his hard-won bride. Although he’d professed to Renee that he wasn’t concerned, he wouldn’t rest easy on that score until the wedding ring was firmly on Mac’s finger and she was truly and forever his. He couldn’t banish the occasional vision he had of Harm standing up in the middle of the ceremony and declaring his undying love for Mac. In this case, when it came down to a choice between showing off his wife to Harm and resting easy because Harm was absent, he’d take the resting easy. He’d have the rest of their lives to show off his wife and to remind Harm that Mac was forever his.

“My annual carrier quals,” he replied, his voice just as pleasant. “I’m taking a helo to the Patrick Henry in the morning from there.”

“I asked Harm to stop by before he left,” Mac added. “I just wanted to make sure that there is nothing pending that I need to look at this afternoon.” Her eyes were on Harm as she said it and he nodded slightly, acknowledging the silent plea to back her up.

“I managed to clear my desk,” Harm said, bolstering her story. Like her, he’d returned to his office with a renewed determination to bury himself in work. He’d even managed to make a dent in the usual backlog of reports on his desk, reports he’d thought to put off until Mac was gone on her honeymoon, figuring that he’d need the extra distraction in the ongoing effort to forget.

“Have a safe trip and good luck on your quals,” she said, smiling at him. She focused completely on Harm and managed to forget for just a moment that they weren’t alone in the room. “I’ll see you on Saturday.”

She had managed to forget until Mic reminded her. “You’ll be back in time for the wedding?” he asked, his displeasure thinly veiled. Mac closed her eyes briefly against the sudden headache threatening to overwhelm her.

“I’ll be back Saturday morning,” Harm confirmed, taking a small amount of pleasure in bursting Mic’s hope that he wouldn’t be at the wedding. “I promised Mac that I’d be there. Well, I need to get going. Mac, I’ll see you Saturday.”

Mac got up and walked around to the door, stepping out of the office with Harm without even a glance in Mic’s direction. “I’ll see you,” she said, stepping close enough to him that she was able to brush her hand against his without it being glaringly obvious to everyone in the bullpen. “And thank you again.”

Harm lowered his voice so that only she would hear. “I’d do anything for you, Mac,” he reminded her. He then smiled and said aloud, “Tell Chloe I said ‘hi’ when she arrives and I’ll see you both at the wedding.”

“I will,” Mac promised, walking with him towards the elevator. She’d all but forgotten Mic’s presence in her office. “I know she’s looking forward to seeing you.”

“Mac ....” Harm began, but he stopped, shaking his head. He stopped in front of the elevator doors and turned to face her. “I just want you to call me if you need anything, even if it’s just someone to talk to. I’m sure the next few days are going to be a bit crazy.”

“Thank you,” she said softly. “For everything. Goodbye, Harm.”

“Goodbye, Mac,” he replied just as softly, lifting his hand to brush against hers as the elevator doors opened before them. There was no one stepping off the elevator, no one else waiting to get on, so Harm let his hand linger over hers just a little longer than was really necessary before dropping it back to his side.

Mac stood there until Harm stepped onto the elevator and the doors closed between them. With a sad sigh, she returned to her office, where Mic was still waiting for her. She hesitated, and then closed the door behind her, just in case.

He’d not been happy that she’d walked out of the office with Harm, barely giving him a second thought. By the time she’d returned, he was close to fuming. “Rabb get off okay?” he asked with a hint of sarcasm evident in his tone.

“Mic, I really do have a lot of work to get done before my leave,” she protested, hoping he would drop the subject and just leave her in peace. “Do you think we can talk later?”

Mic wasn’t about to let the subject of Harm slide. “Why did he promise to be back in time for the wedding?” he mused.

“He wasn’t sure if he would be able to get back,” she replied calmly, promising herself that she wasn’t going to argue about this, no matter how much Mic pushed. “I asked him to promise that he would be here for the wedding.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” Mac countered with a sigh. Calm, she reminded herself. “My uncle’s in Leavenworth, Chloe’s the only family I’ve got. The next closest thing I have to family is my friends at JAG. Harm’s been there for me through a lot and it’s natural that I would want him at my wedding.”

“I’m your family now,” Mic stressed. He thought by allowing them to say their goodbyes at the party that Harm would be firmly in her past and she would focus completely on him. If anything, she’d been increasingly distant since the party. He just had to remind her that he was the one whom loved her and whom she would be marrying in three days.

“Mic, my friends are very important to me and I want them to be at my wedding,” she retorted. “*All* of them and that is non-negotiable. Besides, I thought you and Renee were friends and I hear that she’s really looking forward to the wedding.” Harm hadn’t said so in so many words, but Mac suspected that Renee’s desire to be at the wedding had more to do with making sure her perceived competition was out of the way than wishing Mac and Mic the best.
Maybe she and Mic should get together, she thought. Renee and Mic certainly had a lot in common, including a distrust of the relationship between their significant others. Of course, that distrust come without knowing what had transpired within the last few weeks. If they knew that.... Mac shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts from her mind, wondering where that wild idea had come from.

At Mic’s questioning glance, she managed a smile. “Just thinking about the wedding,” she told him, trying to sound like the joyous bride-to-be. It was the truth, in a way, and it certainly did the job in distracting Mic, she told herself, judging from the wide smile now on his face. “Now, I really do need to get back to work. I’ve got to get finished with all this and then Chloe and her father are arriving late this afternoon.”

“Fine,” Mic said, seemingly satisfied that he’d managed to divert her thoughts from Harm to their wedding. As she opened the door, Mic came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. Momentarily startled, Mac reminded herself to relax as she extricated herself from his arms.

“We’re in the office, remember?” she pointed out quietly. She took his hand and squeezed, hoping that he was reassured that she wasn’t rejecting him.

“Sorry, luv,” Mic apologized. “I suppose I can wait until later and, of course, I’ll have you to myself for two weeks on our honeymoon.”

“Mic,” she said with a sigh, shaking her head. It made her a little uncomfortable when he was overly affectionate in public, but he didn’t notice, mistaking her discomfort for anticipation of when they would be alone together.

“Later, luv,” Mic said, stepping out of her office. Mac was about to go back to her desk when he added, “Walk me to the elevator?” He managed to make it sound like a pleasant request, but inside Mic was bothered. She’d walked Rabb to the elevator without a second thought, but he had to remind her to extend the same courtesy to him.
Too bad she wouldn’t take off the rest of the day with him. Then he could work on that reminder of his place in her life.

Mac stopped and nodded, managing another smile as she gestured him to go ahead of her. As Mac walked slightly behind him, she ran her fingers along the collar of her uniform where his lips had moved over her, wishing that she felt the same tingling sensation still present on her lips from Harm’s kiss earlier.

~*~*~*~

To be continued....

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[> DOALS I - Hands To Heaven 2/10 -- TracyJean, 20:13:14 06/07/05 Tue

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I got stuck at the doctor's office for two hours after work.

~*~*~*~

HARM'S APARTMENT

Harm packed automatically – blindly tossing items in his overnight bag. He's been on so many trips that he knew what he needed to pack without even thinking about it. Sometimes he wondered why he didn't just keep a bag packed and ready to go at all times. You would have thought that he would have learned that, if nothing else, after sixteen years as a naval officer and four years at Annapolis.

<i>"Do you have anything to pick up?"

"I’m a Marine, Harm. First to go. We always keep a packed bag in the car."

"I guess that's the difference between sailors and Marines. I keep golf clubs in my car." </i>

He shook his head, trying to banish the memory. Memories. They’d become the bane of his existence the last few weeks, ever since that damned engagement party. It was like a floodgate had been opened – everywhere he turned, he was haunted by her face, by the way things used to be between them, by what would now never be. In three days, she would become Mrs. Mic Brumby and apparently nothing was going to stop that now. Not even what had happened between them that night - what was continuing to happen between them - was apparently enough to cause Mac to turn her back on the arrogant Australian.

He should have run in the other direction after that kiss on the Admiral's porch. By her words as they'd broke apart, it seemed that she’d clearly meant it as some sort of goodbye, a farewell to what might have been. She'd even tried to pull away at first, before he'd pulled her back and they'd both lost themselves for an all-too-brief moment in the hint of what could have been. But as they'd stood side by side as Harriet's promotion was announced, their hands brushing, he'd realized that there was no way he could run from this, not anymore.

As he'd told her, the thing he wanted most was to never lose her, even if the only way he could have her now was only as a friend. And as he'd walked into JAG that Monday morning after the party, that was precisely what he’d feared would happen. He’d been afraid that she would be the one to run – away from him and from the feelings swirling between them which had finally surfaced. He’d nearly frozen in place as he'd gone to the kitchen for his morning cup of coffee, finding her already in the kitchen, emptying a packet of sugar into her mug. He'd watched her for a moment, debating whether to go in there and face head on whatever might happen or turn and head for his office until the coast was clear and he was safe from everything that he was afraid of.

The decision ended up being taken out of his hands when she’d turned around, coffee in hand, and had seen him standing in the doorway. Then the most amazing thing had happened. She'd smiled at him and said 'Good morning', just like it was any other morning. Smiling and greeting her in return, he'd entered the kitchen and set about preparing his own beverage. As he'd turned back to his mug after replacing the carafe in the coffee maker, his arm had accidentally brushed against hers. He didn't remember her being that close to him when he'd poured his coffee. Had she been closer than he'd thought she was? Or had she moved closer to him, driven by the same need to be near him that he was trying to quash in himself?

From there, the ice had been broken. Whenever they ended up together, they seemed to always end up touching. Maybe it was just his hand on her arm, wanting to point something out to her. Or her arm brushing against his, lingering just a little bit longer than necessary as she handed him a piece of paper in the weekly staff meeting. Or a congratulatory pat on the shoulder after a hard-fought win in court. But for the diamond glaring brightly from her left hand, soon to be joined by a band of gold, it was as if time had finally been turned back – before his return to flying, before Sydney, before Mic, before Renee, before all the other little things that had conspired to tear them apart.

But their kiss in the courtyard today – that had come out of nowhere. Or maybe it had been inevitable, the only logical result of their renewed closeness, both physical and emotional. Harm couldn't decide which it was. Maybe they should have run from each other. If it could happen once – as it had on the Admiral's porch – then surely it wasn't outside the realm of possibility that it could happen again. But they couldn't have predicted how that simple kiss could spin so quickly out of control, could they? How were they to know that it would only be the uniforms they wore and the fact that they were in a public setting that would serve to prevent them from giving themselves up to the desire and need which was flaring up between them.

It went against everything he believed in, the honor which had been instilled in him as an officer and a gentleman. But there were some things that even the most stringent military discipline couldn't control or contain and, God help them both, this appeared to be one of them. Sometimes he wished that what she’d once accused him of had been true, that he looked at her and saw Diane. Then it would be easier to convince himself that he shouldn't want her, shouldn't desire her, that his emotions only stemmed from her resemblance to his lost love and that it wasn't enough to risk everything over and not fair to any of them.

"Hey, Sailor," Renee said, wrapping her arms around him from behind. Harm tensed slightly, having not even heard her come in. "I wasn't expecting you to be home so early. I thought I'd be here waiting for you.... " Harm stepped to the side, out of her arms, and Renee got a good look at the open travel bag on his bed. "Where are you going?"

"Remember, I told you my carrier quals were coming up," he reminded her. "I just got my orders this morning. I report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow morning. I'm catching a helo out of Norfolk."

"Well, can't you delay?" she asked, a slight pout on her face, waving her hand as if dismissing his orders. "I mean, Mac's wedding is Saturday." Truth be told, Renee was desperate for the two of them to attend the wedding. She wanted Harm to watch as Mac pledged her life and love to another man and hoped that the finality of that action would finally push Harm where she wanted him to go – completely and absolutely hers. Once Mac was forever out of his reach, then surely it would be easier to convince him to give her the miracle she wanted.

Harm sighed inwardly. He knew why she’d brought the wedding up. She'd certainly been dropping enough hints over the last few months. Hell, she'd even admitted that she was counting the days until the wedding, right after she'd pressed him about his feelings for Mac and he'd sidestepped the issue. But he couldn't bring himself to care right now. Maybe it was harsh, considering that he'd been involved with her for a year and a half, but his heart was firmly in the grasp of one Sarah Mackenzie and after the party, he could not run from that any more. "Renee, I'll be back in time for the wedding," he said with a patience that he didn't really feel. "I spoke to Mac earlier and she pointed out the same thing and I promised to be back in time."

"Oh," Renee said, managing to mask her irritation. The woman was getting married in three days, but she was the one who managed to extract a promise from Harm to return in time for the wedding. Renee had the feeling deep down that if she’d asked him to return to escort her to the wedding, he would have come up with at least a dozen reasons why he wouldn't make it back in time. Time to change the topic and remind him that *she* was the one in his life. "So what do you want to do this afternoon? I managed to clear my schedule so that I could surprise you when you got off work but it's still a little early for the dinner reservations that I made for us, so I'm flexible." She wrapped her arms around him again and let her hands roam freely, giving him a very good idea of what she wanted to do.

Harm extricated himself from her embrace, momentarily haunted by another woman, another embrace – one that he hadn't wanted to let go of. He could almost see the electricity sparking when Mac touched him. With Renee, although it felt pleasant enough, he didn't have the sense that he'd starve if he never felt her touch again. He zipped up his bag and carried it over to the door. "Renee, I'm leaving on a helo first thing in the morning from a base three hours away," he pointed out. He dropped the bag on the floor under the coat rack and turned to face her, not really surprised that the pout was still present on her face. It was an emotion that she was very good at and liked to trot out every time his job took him away from her. "I'm driving down to Norfolk tonight. In fact, I was planning to leave as soon as I called you to let you know what was going on."

Of course, he just had to tell Mac that he was leaving before he told her. Just three more days, she reminded herself. In seventy-two hours, Sarah Mackenzie would be Sarah Brumby and out of their lives – and out of their relationship – forever. "Do you have to?" she pouted, then snapped her fingers and smiled as an idea came to her. It would require some more rearranging of her schedule, but this was too important. "Why don't I give Claude a call and push back tomorrow's schedule for a few hours? Then I can accompany you to Norfolk and give you a proper goodbye before you go."

"No, Renee," he said, picking up a stack of mail off the bookcase and idly flipping through it, not that he hadn't already done so when he'd gotten home. He just wasn't in the mood for Renee's pleading. "Quals are very stressful. If I don't do well, then I can lose my flight status. I'm driving up to Norfolk tonight so I can get a good night's sleep and be well rested for my quals, which would be the last thing that would happen if you came with me."

"Harm, she's getting married in three days," Renee pointed out, fingering the string of pearls around her neck. Wonderful. How was she supposed to make him forget if he kept pushing her away? Well, she wasn't a woman who would tolerate being pushed away.

He turned around and stared at her as if she'd suddenly grown two heads, dropping the stack of mail back on the bookcase. "Since when were we talking about Mac?" he demanded. "I was talking about my carrier-landing quals." Right, and you're in such a foul mood because you're worried about catching the three wire, he chided himself.

"Since she's always between us," Renee countered, "even when she's not here. Tell me, if she hadn't asked you to make a point of it, would you even care if you made it back in time for her wedding?"

"Of course," he said, using the same line he'd often used on himself in the last few months as he'd watched her make wedding plans with Brumby. Not that he thought it would convince Renee any more than he’d managed to convince himself with it. "Mac has been a close friend for nearly five years."

"And more?" she mused. She'd often wondered, but both she and Mic had tried to convince themselves that it didn't matter. All that should have mattered was that he had Mac and she had Harm. But the more distant he became as the wedding drew closer, the more she needed to know.

"I am not going there with you," he said firmly, barely able to keep the anger out of his voice, picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. She noted that, as before, he hadn't really denied her assertion. "As you said, Mac is getting married in three days. And that's the end of it."

Studying him with his determined expression and hand on the door knob, Renee reluctantly convinced herself to let it drop for now. At least he would be in Norfolk, then on a carrier in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and Mac would be here in Washington, distracted by all those pesky last-minute wedding details. She pressed against his side, intending to give him a deep, passionate goodbye kiss, but he turned to open the door and she only managed to press her lips against the corner of his mouth. "You'll call me when you get back," she said hopefully. "Or if you are running behind, you could get ready for the wedding then come by to pick me up." She couldn't help throwing in one more reminder of the door that was about to close to him.

He nodded as they stepped out of the apartment and he closed the door behind him, locking it. "I'll call," he agreed, trying not to think about escorting her to the wedding that was threatening to rip his heart to shreds.

"Good," she said, turning her to him as they stood in the hall and this time managing to catch him off-guard enough to give him a kiss, even if it wasn't quite the kind of kiss she'd wanted to give. "Just remember that I'm waiting for you."

As he climbed into his car, Harm tossed his bag on the seat beside him with a sigh. Renee was his girlfriend, but when she’d just kissed him, he hadn't felt anything. He’d been automatic, rote in his response. He couldn't make himself feel anything. Truth be told, he'd been that way ever since the party, when he'd held in his arms the one woman whose kisses would always haunt him.

~*~*~*~

Mac was distracted as she walked across the street to her building. What was happening? She’d spent the better part of a year trying to convince herself that she was in love with one Mic Brumby, but all that had fallen apart with one simple kiss. Now, as she was about to marry one man, she craved the touch and kisses of another as much as she craved the air that she breathed.

"Hey, Mac!" a voice called out from in front of her. Mac looked up from where she was studying the cracks in the sidewalk in front of her to see her sister running towards her. She held her arms out and gathered Chloe into her embrace.

"It's so good to see you," she said. Oddly, for the first time in a long time, Mac felt relaxed. She took a step back and studied Chloe. "You've grown since the last time I saw you."

"Well, I'm grown up now," Chloe proclaimed, watching Mac. She was worried about her, had been ever since Mac had told her at Christmas that she’d agreed to marry Mic. Now that she could see Mac in person, she was even more concerned. Three days before her wedding and the last image that Mac projected was that of a happy bride-to-be.

Mac laughed. At least some things were constant. Chloe was still Chloe. "You just turned fourteen a few days ago," she pointed out.

"Yeah, fourteen going on forty," another voice interjected. Chloe sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Dad!"

"Hello again, Kyle," Mac said warmly, holding out her hand to him. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing well," he replied as he shook her hand. "Congratulations on your wedding."

Chloe noticed the brief cloud that passed over Mac's face at the mention of the wedding, but then it was gone and Mac was smiling again. "Thank you," she replied.

"Look, we need to go get checked into our hotel," Kyle said. "But Chloe insisted we had to stop by and let you know that we made it here."

"I asked Dad if I could stay with you while he goes get us checked in," Chloe interrupted excitedly. "Since we haven't seen each other in a while, I thought we could take some time to get caught up, just us women."

"If it's okay with you, of course," Kyle said, trying to be the voice of reason.

Mac's looked at her sister and her heart melted. She could use the company – and maybe Chloe could help distract her from the turmoil haunting her night and day. "It's fine, Kyle," Mac assured him. "I'd love to have Chloe to myself for a few hours."

"Great!" Chloe exclaimed. "See you later, Dad!"

Kyle laughed as he kissed his daughter's forehead. "Well, I guess she's all yours then, Mac," he acquiesced. "Just give me a call if she gets to be too much. Otherwise, I'll pick her up in a few hours for dinner." He winked, causing Mac to laugh and Chloe to roll her eyes again.

"Bye, Kyle," Mac said. "We'll see you later."

"Bye, Dad," Chloe echoed. They both watched as Kyle walked down the street back to where he’d parked their rental car. Once he’d driven off, Mac put her arm over Chloe's shoulder and led her into her building.

"You don't know how glad I am to see you," Mac said.

"So how's Harm?" Chloe asked, managing to sound completely innocent. Bingo, she thought as she noted the pained look in Mac's eyes at the mention of his name.

It took Mac a moment to shake the memory of their walk from her mind and to attempt a convincing answer. "Harm's fine," she replied, glancing down at her engagement ring. She shook her head. "He's leaving tonight for Norfolk. He has to complete his annual carrier-landing qualifications by the end of the month."

"You mean he's not going to be here for the wedding?" Chloe asked, raising her voice as Mac unlocked her apartment door. A passing neighbor looked at them oddly and Mac ushered Chloe into the apartment, firmly closing the door behind them. "I can't believe this." Chloe was upset. She'd held onto her dreams of someday being the flower girl at Harm and Mac's wedding. Mac's upcoming wedding to Mic was just a minor stumbling block to that. She'd had romantic visions of Harm sweeping in and declaring his undying love for Mac, carrying her away from what would be the biggest mistake of her life. How could he do that if he wasn't even going to be there?

"Chloe, Harm's going to be at the wedding," Mac assured her, puzzled by Chloe's reaction. Sure, Chloe was very fond of Harm, but you'd think Harm was the one she was marrying from the way she was acting. "I spoke to him earlier. He promised to be back in time for the wedding."

Chloe couldn't help her sigh of relief. "Good," she said, relieved. "Then it's not too late."

"Too late for what?" Mac asked, although she had a feeling that she already knew the answer to that question. She really shouldn't be surprised that Chloe was managing to give voice the doubts in her own heart. Chloe had always been one to speak her mind and had always been expressing hope that Harm and Mac would eventually get together. She needed to nip this in the bud. She had enough on her mind without her sister adding to the turmoil. Chloe was supposed to help make her feel better, not doubt herself even more. "Chloe, I. . . ."

"Why are you marrying him?" Chloe asked, abruptly changing the subject from Harm to Mac's intended husband.

"What?" Mac turned around and stared at her sister incredulously, startled by the sudden redirection of their conversation.

"Why are you marrying Mic Brumby?" Chloe clarified. "What is it about him that is making you choose to spend the rest of your life with this man?"

"Well," Mac began slowly, trying to gather her thoughts, "he's a good man. He makes me laugh. He gave up a lot to be with me here – his career in the Navy, his home in Australia. And most importantly, he's offering me the life I've always wanted – a home, a family eventually."

Chloe wanted to strangle her sister. How could such an intelligent woman be so completely dense when it came to her personal life? She sighed heavily. Sometimes she felt like she was the older one. "What about love?" she pressed.

What does love have to do with anything?

Yeah, what does it have to do with anything, she asked herself. She'd been in love – and her affections had been thrown back in her face with talk of not being able to let go and waiting, possibly for eternity. When Mac didn't answer immediately, Chloe repeated the question. Mac shook her head, trying to clear it. "Chloe, it's a lot more complicated than that," she tried to explain, but Chloe waved her off.

"The only complication I see here is that you love Harm," Chloe countered, "he loves you and – for some God-unknown reason that I have been trying to figure out ever since you first told me you had agreed to wear Mic's ring – you're about to throw your life away on marriage to a man whom you definitely do not love."

"I never said that," Mac protested, but it sounded weak, even to her own ears.

"And you never said that you do love him either," Chloe pointed out. "Come on, Mac. It's not that hard, if you really do love him. It's just three little words. Say them."

"I ....” Mac began, the rest of the words sticking in her throat. Chloe wanted to jump up and down in triumph, but stopped at the look of utter despair on Mac's face.

Chloe walked across the room to Mac and clasped her hands. "Mac," she said in a very serious and grown-up tone, "you’re my sister and I love you. So please listen to me when I say that I'm worried about you. I'm scared that you're about to make a huge mistake. You love one man, but you're about to marry another. You're settling for some reason that I don't think even you understand. Please, think about this some more before you end up ruining three lives."

"Chloe, I've made my decision," Mac said, sounding uncertain, as if trying to convince herself as much as Chloe. "Harm has agreed to live with it. So should you. Please, I want you to be happy for me."

"Did it ever occur to you that Harm's accepting your decision only because you're not giving him a choice," Chloe asked sadly, "that he loves you enough to let you walk away because that is what *you* are making him believe that you want? He's falling on his sword because he loves you enough to let you go if that is what makes you happy."
You've made a choice to get married and I respect that.
"Harm's not falling on his sword," Mac protested, even as she began to seriously consider the possibility in her own mind. How many times had he told her that he was happy for her if she was happy? Sure, they touched more now than they had in the last couple of years – touched the way they used to before. . . .things. . . .had conspired to nearly tear their friendship apart. That didn't mean that Harm was in love with her. But their kisses – the way he’d pulled her back to him during both kisses, as if he couldn't get enough of her. Those were hardly the actions of a man who was happy that she was marrying someone else.

"Have you ever asked him?" Chloe asked. "Or is he just telling you what you think you want to hear because you haven't asked?"

"Chloe ....” Mac began, pulling her hands away and turning to look out the window. It was a beautiful day, the sun shining blindingly bright. Too bad it couldn't shed the light of truth on this situation. Or maybe she was so far gone that she was blinded to the truth. She didn't know anymore.

"Mac, talk to him," Chloe pleaded, placing her hand on Mac's arm. "Go see him before he heads to Norfolk. You owe it to yourself, to him – even to Mic Brumby – to figure this out before you get to the 'until death us do part'."

When Mac remained silently staring out the window, Chloe shook her head sadly, an action Mac saw reflected in the window, but didn't acknowledge. She knew how Chloe felt about Harm – she'd never made any secret of her hopes for Harm and Mac. But she barely knew Mic. How could she know or not know what was between the two of them?

"Mac, I'm going to call my dad on his cell phone and ask him to come pick me up," Chloe said. "Please, think about what I said and please, go talk to Harm. You should be sure before you get married and from what I've heard here, you are far from it."

<i>It helps if you're sure.</i>

Mac stood unmoving by the window as Chloe walked across the room and made her phone call. Maybe she should have stayed as far away from Harm as possible during that damned party, instead of pushing him until he finally opened up. Then they would never have kissed and then they wouldn't have spent the last two weeks touching and then they wouldn't have kissed today in the courtyard. Then maybe Mac wouldn't have all these doubts.

But as she touched her lips with her fingertips, remembering how they’d tingled from Harm's kisses, she knew at least one thing. She couldn't have not kissed Harm, anymore than she could deny her own name.

~*~*~*~

After Chloe had left, giving her father the excuse that Mac was exhausted from all the wedding preparations and that they would spend time together tomorrow, Mac had paced her living room until she was surprised she hadn't worn a hole in the carpet. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and, grabbing her keys and her purse, left her apartment and took off in her Corvette, figuring a drive would clear her head.

<i>Permission to come aboard.

Permission granted.</i>

Mac pounded her fist on the steering wheel. He'd captured her attention from the beginning, looking so confident and cocky and sure with his gold wings and brand-new medal pinned on by the President of the United States. She’d admitted it to herself when he'd gone out of his way – after she'd all but betrayed him – to come to the rescue of her and her uncle, both literally and figuratively. But she hid behind a façade of Marine discipline and the walls she'd built around herself to prevent people from getting too close, to prevent anyone else from hurting her the way her parents had hurt her.

<i>I know. You were kissing her</i>

That had been easier than admitting the truth – that she’d wanted Harmon Rabb more than she'd wanted any man in her life. But he was hurting from the memory of his lost love and it was simpler to brush their kiss off as an aberration, telling herself that he only saw her as a doppelganger of his dead love. It was better than risking her feelings being shot down.

<i>Damn you. Why am I the only one crying?</i>

That had probably been the moment, more than any other since they'd known each other, when she'd wanted him more than she'd wanted her next breath. She would have done anything if only he'd swept her into his arms and carried her off, promising that when he would come home, he would come home to her.

<i>Is that how long we're going to wait?</i>

She should have stuck to her guns, kept telling herself that Harm only saw her as the living apparition of his dead love. Then maybe she wouldn't have thrown herself at him and ended up going down in flames, leading her to accept a ring from another man – a man she hadn't even dated – just a few nights later.

A 19th-century Naval Commander, with Mic's face, walked down the row of mutineers about to be hung at his command. He looked each man in the eye as he pulled the black hood of death over their faces. Finally, his eyes locked with the third and final man – a man with Harm's face.

With a sharp jerk of the steering wheel, Mac pulled off the road, gravel spraying as she came to a stop with the screech of tires on the unpaved shoulder. Her fingers tightened around the steering wheel as her whole body shook with the sobs she forced back, refusing to give into the tears forming. A snippet of her conversation with Harm at the party echoed in her head.

<i>What do you want most?

What I want most, Mac, is.... is to never lose you.

I promise you - no matter what happens - you won't lose me.</i>

Was that what the dream meant? That if she married Brumby, she'd lose Harm – their friendship ending up dead and buried, along with anything else which might have been? "No," she cried out. "That can't happen." She released the steering wheel and pressed her hands to her head, fighting against the headache threatening to overwhelm her. Her head jerked up when she heard a knock on her car window.

Taking a shaky breath, she rolled down the window, finding herself looking into the eyes of a Virginia State Trooper. "Ma'am, are you alright?" he asked, studying her intently. Probably looking for signs that I'm driving drunk, she realized. Figuring that he would ask, she slowly reached for her license in her purse and registration in the glove compartment, holding them up for the officer to see.

"I'm sorry," she said, taking another deep breath. "I just got a little dizzy and thought it best to pull off the road. I didn't want to get into an accident."

The officer smiled at her and Mac forced herself to relax, managing a smile in response. "There's an exit just ahead with a gas station and restaurant," he suggested. "Maybe you can stop there for a while, get some aspirin, clear your head before you continue on to wherever you're going."

"That's probably not a bad idea," she agreed. Suddenly, she frowned. Calculating the time in her head and glancing at the rapidly setting sun, she realized that she had to have been on the road for a while, blindly driving wherever the car would take her. Hoping the trooper wouldn't think she was completely out of it, she asked, "Where am I exactly? I'm afraid I'm not all that familiar with this part of the state."

"You're just north of Richmond," he replied, not looking at her too strangely, for which Mac was thankful. "The 295 interchange is a few miles ahead. Where are you headed?"

"Norfolk," she answered automatically, and then stopped. Where on earth had that come from? She wasn't headed for Norfolk. Yeah, right, the voice inside her head countered, that's why you're already halfway there without even realizing where you were going. "I'm going to see my .... a friend. He's deploying in the morning to an aircraft carrier."

"Well, depending on traffic you've probably got another hour and a half – maybe two – before you get there," he pointed out. "It's probably not a bad idea to take that break, depending on how far you've come already."

"Washington," she stated. "I'm driving from DC. And thank you for the suggestion. I think I will take that break at the next exit." Yeah, I need to figure out just what the hell I'm doing, she thought.

Satisfied that Mac was okay and not drunk, the trooper returned to his own vehicle. Mac waited until he’d driven off, and then pulled back onto the road herself. As she drew closer to the exit, she considered her options. All she had to do was get off at the exit, probably cross a bridge, then get back on the highway going north, back to DC. That would be for the best.

A few minutes later, in the parking lot of a gas station, Mac was still debating with herself about which way to go. Straight ahead then left to I-95 North and back to DC? Or right back onto I-95 South and continue on to I-295, then I-64, eventually ending up in Norfolk?
You're in love with Harm.... if it makes you feel any better, you should know that Harm's in love with you, too.
Maybe Chloe was right. Maybe she did need to clear the air with Harm once and for all. They'd made a start on the Admiral's porch, but maybe they needed to finish it before she could move on – before any of them could. Mac took a deep breath and started her car. Her features expressing her determination, her decision firmly set in her mind, she pulled out of the gas station parking lot and back onto the highway – heading south towards Norfolk Naval Base.

~*~*~*~

To be continued....


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