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Date Posted: 01:18:03 10/08/99 Fri
Author: saint stephen
Author Host/IP: tspsl1-197.gate.net / 207.36.212.197
Subject: Constructive advice for free.
In reply to: Rev. William Moore 's message, ""Metamorphosis of the Mind"- an essay" on 22:12:41 10/07/99 Thu

As I said on the ACMB, very well done Mr. Moore. You should get a great grade if your proffesor has an open mind. I have always written on personal experince in my college english writings, and always got A's. Personal experince is always highly affective, that is why you here poloticians tell stories so frequently of their personal accounts to make their views come to life. The only advice I can give you, is make it more human. Prosonify your feelings, make them come to life, so the reader can really connect with your soul, and feel your emotions. Put him in your shoes. In picked this line out because I thought it was important, it marked the transition of your belief system:

"All the things I have ever experienced and learned throughout my life began to add up and come together like pieces of a puzzle. It was myself that I really hated. I hated what I had become. This "piece of clay" was molded into a mindless drone by their dogma, conformity, and ideals. I became what they wanted, that which wasn't me. With this single realization, I began to fully understand it all and finally disavowed my faith."

Just of the top of my head(shoting from the hip) I would write it something like this:

Everything I had learned in this lesson called life began to slide together like pieces in some byzantine puzzle. I loathed this thoughtless clay drone which their dogma was molding; I despised my own being. With my soul in hand, I threw away their lies, and set out to mold my own destiny.

It says just about the same thing, uses a broader aray of adjetives, and is more concise. I know you probably have a certain word count you have to make, but concise is powerful, you should not stretch thoughts, you should add more thought. Of course it could not be exactly like this, that was an excert, and you need to flow with the work, but I was mearly giving an example. Just from friendly advice, from an amature. Great contents though, hope you get a great grade:)

Peace,
Saint Stephen

P.s. I know it sounds dramatic, but dramatic is effective.

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