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Date Posted: 18:08:51 09/11/03 Thu
Author: Don
Subject: Those Hideous Chain Mails and I don't mean armor

I am so tired of having people send me emails that they have forwarded to everyone in their address book. But then I got this one which, if I was not convinced that mass forwarding of email is the ultimate evil, I would forward with great joy to everyone in the universe hoping that just one or two of them would stop. Here it is:

From: "Satan Leviathan Beelzebub"
To: You and Your Whole Address Book and Everyone You've Ever CC'd
Subject: DAMN YOU AND YOUR BLASTED CHAIN MAIL
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 06:66:00 -0400


I already got that e-mail and you are damned to hell for sending it to me again. I was neither moved nor inspired. It was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, or chagrined by the United States Government and it's moronic leadership. After all, I'm responsible for all of it.

I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit for I am Satan. What the hell's the matter with you? You expect me to give up all this just because your head was finally separated from your congenital twin's ass? Keep it to yourself. I do not want to be made aware you were thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, and I will not count my blessings. I live in Hell and I like it.

That patriotic photo with the flag and the eagle and the buildings and the jet fighter and the smoke and the subtle hint of retaliation and strength and violence yet to come? I will "never forget" that you sent it to me. Expect the coals in your stockings this Christmas to be white
hot.

I've seen the new map of Afghanistan, I've seen two children of any given ethnicity holding hands. I have seen fat ladies in thongs and tennis players with their tits hanging out and soccer players with their dicks hanging out. I saw the lady kick the baby, the bungee jumper crap his pants, the monkey smell his finger, and the missing scene from Spiderman. You cannot make George W. Bush's face look any more ugly or pathetic or scary by moving it around with Photoshop. If you are sending me a joke for which the set-up is two items with set prices and the punchline is a third item that is "priceless," you are hereby ordered to treat your genitals as Enron documents and place them gently in the shredder.

You've got money you need to get out of Nigeria? Why not shove it up your ass? (Remove your head first)

I will not be starting or stopping the consumption of any product or service due to the information you have provided me. I know what's good for me and I like the stuff that's bad for me so fuck you.

I am not the idiot you seem to think I am. Everything you are offering me for free has shipping charges that are mysteriously 10 times the worth of the item. I will not submit any data for market research just because you say you're giving away a car. What good's a car in Hell?
I don't need a diploma to know that Bill Gates isn't going to send me $40 if I make the mistake of forwarding your messages, but I'll be sending you a little special something in the afterlife.

I will not sign up for whatever affiliate program you've got in your e-mail signature, especially if it's got anything to do with real estate. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be and I've seen enough naked little girls to last me for all eternity. You are one sick puppy. I don't want to know what it's like to be you. Change your homepage to http://www.isucksatansdick.com.

Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy toward one another. I don't visit him in heaven though he's a frequent visitor to Hell. I see him all the time so I don't need you quoting him to me. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk, or use a toilet, and my pitchfork is itchin' for some baby butt. God is a hoax and so am I.

My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My favorite color is: No.
My favorite song is: No. I don't want my fortune told, and if you are trying to sell me software that perpetuates the very fraud you are foisting upon me, I have ways of making your hard disk floppy. I saw the End of the Internet page before it was in that fucking commercial and it wasn't particularly funny the first time.

Pictures of funny foreigners are Xenophobic and get me off.
Send more of those.

Please re-write this as you see fit, attribute it to Dave Barry, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Ted Nugent, or George Carlin and then forward it to everyone in your address book.

Thank you for your time.
- S.L.B. "666"

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