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Today is a lazy Sunday, February 23th of 2003. As the rest of the nation digs its way out of record snowfalls and frigid temperatures, a much beset lady in the Tampa Bay area of Florida ponders just how the Hell she is going to get the temperature down to survivable if she dares light all those candles on a birthday cake shaped like a bottle of Jim Beam. The cake alone could contribute to global warming far more than all the internal combustion engines in the history of mankind. Besides, the Dickel filling between the layers is certified to be 100% flammable as well. What's poor Barsweet to do?
It's that time again, kiddies. It is the annual celebration of Brother Ron Hobbs' (aka Hobbsies' and Swamprat's) birthday! We extend to him our best wishes for a great day and our fervent hopes that Old Scratch isn't paying real close attention when Bar lights off that cake guaranteed to divert heat seeking missles all over the world. Happy Birthday, Ron... now who's the "old" guy here?
Ron has it made. He is assured a seat in the halls of Heaven when he tossses off this mortal coil. We have learned that the Fire Marshall in Hades, a post alternately held by one of Brother Herb's or one of my own ex-wives, has officially proclaimed, "There is no way in Hell we are gonna let him in here. With his capacity and history of supporting full employment in breweries and distilleries worldwide, we can't find a sprinkler system with enough capacity to handle the burden if we let him in here with all these open flames, especially since one of his musical talents involves bean-filled, taco-enhanced gas buildups and the full musical score for Phantom of the Opera. We just don't have a ventilation system that could possibly handle that heavy a burden and no one has been bad enough to suffer those kinds of burns once he gets started. Besides, all the effective gas masks are in use in the middle-East right now. And, no matter what ... do NOT fall for his old 'Pull my finger' routine, if he asks you to.""
To mark this auspicious occasion, we attempted to interview the OB/Gyn who delivered Ron, but Cain slew him a long time ago. Sorry, Ron. We did try. Ron is the only member of our group who had a flyer advertising his group's appearance as the band for Cain and Abel's bar mitzvahs. That piece of Biblical history was discovered hidden in the Dead Sea Scrolls a while back.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOBBSIE!