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Date Posted: 16:02:22 03/16/05 Wed
Author: Sierra

Hey I really need the title of the play or book of monologues this piece is from! If I can't find it, I can't do this piece at auditions and I have been working on it for 2 months now so I need this info!!! PLEASE help!!!!!!

By: Matthew Calhoun
This comic monologue is printed here in its entirety, though written for a male actor, by changing a few pronouns, the piece could be adapted for use by an actress.

(An actor carrying an umbrella, enters. He/she is anything but a leading man/lady: perhaps he is bald, perhaps pudgy, perhaps very short, perhapsÖ something different. But not a leading man. He speaks forward to the audience, which represents the two or three people auditioning him.)

Actor: My resume. (He takes out a three-by-five card, and spins it forward, of the front of the stage.) Oh, first I should mention that I could play any of the parts in this play. Any. I could play an ant, I could play Little Red Riding Hood, I could play Hamlet. Iíve never heard of this play, as a matter of fact. It doesnít matter. I can do opera, I can do commercials, I can sing soprano, I can do my own stunts- Iím that versatile. Leading man, leading lady, gay, ingenue- you name it, I can do it. Thatís how great I am. I see you looking over my resume. Noticing Iíve never had a part. Itís a real comment on this sick business weíre in, isnít it? An actor this good (he thumps his chest) and heís blackballed! Why? For refusing to show up at auditions! Auditions are beneath me. I wipe my feet on them. People should be begging me to grace their theatres- producers should be asking me to audition them! But those egomaniacs who should bow and scrape before me - they have forced me to betray my principles and come to this (said with utter contempt) audition. (the word is practically spat, or vomited out. The contempt with which the actor feels this word is the key of the scene.)
So no, no, don't blame me for demeaning myself in this grotesque positionÖ Iíve waited ten years for them to come crawlingÖ but suffice it to say they were too wrapped up in their own insaneÖ trivium to get the hint. But enough of them. Letís get to the situation at hand. Youíre sitting there typecasting me as a leading man aren't you? Youíre thinking that because of my matinee idol glorious good looks, and rich, sensuous, sexy, seductive, fetching, effervescent, tingly and charming voice, I could only play a male lead. No, I tell you, no! Observe! An ant! (He crawls along the floor in a normal way.) And now, King Lear! (He opens his umbrella and pretends, in an awkward mime, to be blown around the stage.) I needn't mention, of course, that that was the fabulous storm scene, out on the heath. And now, Brutus, impaled on his own sword! (Closes the umbrella, stabs himself with it in the stomach. Dies, rather flatly.)
And hereís a homicidal lunatic: (he gets up, picks up the umbrella, waves it threatening forward, like a sword. This part seems real.) Give me the part or Iíll kill you! Iíll poke out the vile grape jelly of your eyes with the point of my umbrella! Iíve been waiting ten years for this! (Puts the umbrella down.)
OK. All the parts. I should play all the parts in you little production. Capiche? Capiche. Note the mastery of the Spanish dialect. I do it all. Now, with that in mind, hereís myÖ (Abrupt pause)
What do you mean my timeís up? I havenít done my monologue yet! (Beat) What do you mean, next? Where do you get off saying next?! I memorized this thing! I took the subway here! I elbowed my way ahead of dozens of pushy actors and still had to wait a half hour to get in here! I wanna do my audition!

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