Daily Horoscopes - with a touch of humor -- RealityFans

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Date Posted: 07:05:45 06/08/02 Sat
Author: Cari
Subject: Daily Horoscopes - with a touch of humor

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

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