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Date Posted: 14:36:35 06/02/02 Sun
Subject: Daily horoscope with a touch of humor
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".
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