Daily Hororscope - with a humorous touch

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Date Posted: 12:53:14 05/28/02 Tue
Author: Cari
Subject: Daily Hororscope - with a humorous touch - 5-28-02

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

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