Advice you'll never hear from Mother -- RealityFans

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Date Posted: 10:42:09 05/25/02 Sat
Author: WE67
Subject: Advice you'll never hear from Mother

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something
bigger and heavier.
-Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want
your mother to hear at your trial.
-Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
-Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh cow dropping on a hot day.
-Harry S. Truman

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn.
-Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping.
-Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
-Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
-Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the
organ grinder is in the room.
-Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
-John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
-American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

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Replies:

I like Ruth Gordon's advice (NT) -- Cari, 10:55:56 05/25/02 Sat
Thank you Conair....been wondering why my hair was looking funky! nt (NT) -- Mai, 10:59:20 05/25/02 Sat
- Hey, you two!! -- WE67 stomping foot!, 11:01:10 05/25/02 Sat
  - Now that we came in, you have to leave!!! -- Cari, 11:03:12 05/25/02 Sat
- Oh now we're going to blame it on hair drying practices, -- Cari, 11:01:25 05/25/02 Sat
  - Cowlicks compliments of Conair! Lol! nt (NT) -- Mai licking my fingers and smoothing down the bed hair!, 11:07:53 05/25/02 Sat
    - If you have ever watched the show ED -- Cari, 11:12:34 05/25/02 Sat
      - Yep, I love Ed, but have missed quite a few shows. I've always -- Mai, 11:25:18 05/25/02 Sat
        I'll take hair like Meg Ryan's if I can have the reat of her looks! (NT) -- Cari, 11:36:03 05/25/02 Sat
        Well see? You just touched on ~my~ problem!! nt (NT) -- Mai knew she was lacking something besides good sense!, 13:55:40 05/25/02 Sat
        Well see? You just touched on ~my~ problem!! nt (NT) -- Mai knew she was lacking something besides good sense!, 13:55:41 05/25/02 Sat
        Sssssssseee wwwwwwwwhhhhat IIIIIIIIII mmmmmmeean? (NT) -- I gotta laugh at my stuttering keyboard!! Mai, 13:56:53 05/25/02 Sat
I like the way Rita Rudner solved it -- zazoo, 12:22:39 05/25/02 Sat