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Date Posted: 22:14:02 05/06/03 Tue
Author: Black Pearl
Subject: A Tolkien Fan Strikes Back...Hard

Here it is folks, the longest review I have ever, ever seen on FF.NET and wouldn't you know it, it's a flame.

This tolkien-nut had apparently read one too many fangirl-epics and this one proved to be the last straw. I have never seen someone lay down the law quite like this and I dread the day this person checks out of one of my fics O_o.

Anyway, I'll cut the intro short, since I believe you'll need your strength for this, all of it. Goodluck.

*****************

Review for the story Melamin says Forever by "Tolkien Perfectionist"


Valar help us. It seems we have yet another newbie on our hands with no idea whatsoever as to what they are writing.



Ok firstly I just have to ask you a question. Are you typing this up on Microsoft word or anything else like that? Because if you are have you ever heard of anything called a spell check? It checks all your spelling and grammatical errors and I must say you have a hell of a lot in this story that it isn't funny. I could hardly read a sentence without having to fix up your mistakes.


'I am' simplified has an apostrophe between the 'I' and 'm'. It isn't just Im. It is 'I'm'. In the same aspect it 'cannot' should be 'can't' not 'cant'. It's 'guys' not 'guyes' and 'cause' should have an apostrophe before it because you're missing the 'be' part from 'because.'


The pluralised for of 'lily' is 'lilies' not 'lilys'. ‘Ethereal' not 'etheirial' 'Infact' are two separate words, therefore being 'In fact' rather than 'infact' That's like saying 'a lot' rather than 'a lot'. It's wrong. 'throat' not 'thout' 'Tommorow' not 'tommarow' 'Funny' not 'funney'


These spellings are terrifically horrendous.


Also when you write stories, like these, or essays you do not write the numbers. Ex. There were 2 dogs. You actually SPELL them thus: There were two dogs.


And the list goes on for the most stupid mistakes you've made. Seriously if you want to write learn how to spell first. I am suspecting you are a little teeny bopper within the age range of 11 to 15. Even my daughter would know how to spell some of the shit you've written down in here.


And Please make up your mind!! You alter between first and second person without any indication as to whether or not your character is thinking and also between the past and the present in tense. I understand about the dream, which is cool, but TENSES! Remember your TENSES.


25 marks off.


Next..


I bet any money you say the movie thought the actor in the blonde wig was hot, cute, etc., read some other author’s stories, thought it was cool and decided to write your own story without so much as reading a whole two chapters of the books? Very very wrong approach missy.


You've absolutely *defiled* Tolkien's elves.


Female elves in the world of Tolkien were not absolute dipsticks who spent all their days dreaming over elven princes. It's absolutely disgusting the way you've portrayed them as male-crazy bimboes rather than beautiful gorgeous creatures they are who take pleasure rather in sewing, pottery, painting, singing, playing an instrument or welding their own jewellery than 'coo' and 'fuss' about male elves as you put it '24:7'. Female elves are not rabid fans like YOU. And of course your character has to be the only elf in all of that particular elf kingdom who is not man-crazy. TYPICAL


Elven maids also did not have a whole entire line of suitors wanting to court them. They too are not block-headed dim-wits. Elves based their relationships rather on the inner beauty of a person’s personality rather than their external features. Mirrawen apparently did not go that much into the palace because of her father so how would so many men know her?


Ok now let's get this straight. Elves are beautiful. ALL elves are beautiful. EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ELF, no matter race, colour or gender. They **know** that they are beautiful. SHE knows she is beautiful. They all know that the word 'beautiful' applies to each of them. They are elves for crying out loud!! They ARE beauty itself. Being beauty itself also deletes the fact that "she would get frustrated with her hair because it was so long and would get really tangly". For Valar's sake she's an elf! Elves loved their hair and more elves have had longer hair than this girl. Beautiful hair was attractive to elves, just as voices. Why in all of Middle-Earth would she get annoyed?


And why does Legolas smirk so much?? He isn't Draco Malfoy, he's Legolas Greenleaf. In the books it never says he smirks. He only laughs and smiles, in the movies he doesn't really laugh or smile much at all!!


10 marks off


Alright onto your LANGUAGES.


Now the main thing about this story that caught my attention was not the summary but the heading.


During this story you use the words which are supposedly 'elvish', elvish meaning either Sindarin or Quenya (And please when you’re talking about these Eldarin Languages use their proper name, either Sindarin, Quenya, Nandorin ect. It sounds really…disrespectful to call it ‘elvish’ ) Here is a list of them:


Melamin - my love

Quel Kaima arwenamin -sleep well my lady

Vanimle sila tiri - Your beauty shines bright.


Now I have corrected a number of people from using the following and it's now your turn.


I assume you got the following phrases from a downloadable 'Phrase book' and 'Dictionary' from a site call 'The Grey Company' Or was perhaps directed by someone to go there because it had a downloadable dictionary etc.


Before we went along and did the stupid thing of downloading did you even think of reading the FAQ sheet or asking the person who you got off where they had got it from and further investigated their origins, because by using these words you've made an absolute dick head out of yourself.


I hate to burst your little bubble but 'amin' does not mean 'I, me or mine' and 'lle' does not mean ‘you.’ This is not real Sindarin. It isn't Sindarin at all. It's an adaption by a gaming group who weren't happy with what the magnificent author JRR Tolkien had produced and had to go along and make up their own word, using adaptions from the books.


It says at the FAQ link clearly in black and white:


"When J.R.R. Tolkien wrote the setting for the Lord of the Rings he crafted an entire world to go with it. Included in that world were the grammatical structure and a rudimentary dictionary for a number of Elven Tongues. Since we roleplay Elves online, we took that dictionary, simplified the grammatical structure and expanded the dictionary heavily. It is not cannon Elven as Tolkien wrote it, simply our own adaptation. Which we like better. Thank you very much"


And it also says some questions above: "We are not a fan-site for the Lord of the Rings. If you decided you love Elves after seeing the movies, this is not the site for you."


Please ALWAYS whenever you download something READ everything attached that is related to whatever it is you are downloading. Or if you get info off another person ask them where they got it from and investigate further.

10 marks off .


'24:7'?

Hello digital clocks were not invented back then. How the hell could elven maids be in a prince's face '24:7' when they didn't even know what it meant! The term 'twenty four hours a day, seven days a week' would have been tolerable, I won't go as far as to say expectable, but '24:7' It's ridiculous!


The names Lithramil and Melathanin (Which I am guessing you made up using your ‘elven dictionary’) being shortened down to Lil and Mel are totally deplorable. Lil and mel are modern names!! Can you imagine the nights of King Arthur's court calling their wives Lil, Mel, Steph, Vicky, Jess, Cassie or Shezz? I don't think so. Neither would the elves of Tolkien call their friends by such names. The elves' nicknames came from what they were rather than what their actual name was. Say for example, Arwen Undomiel. Her last name because of her dark beauty. Elrond Peredhel, Peredhel meaning half-elven in Sindarin which is what he was, Half-Elven. Maedhro's nickname given by his mother was Maitimo, meaning well-shaped one, because of his figure and he was called Russandol, meaning copper-top because of his copper coloured hair.


Also the name of one of her best friends is Findorndria. It's obvious you've tried to make the name sound 'elvish'. One problem. Eldarin names do not, I repeat DO NOT have more than two to three consonants in a row. 'rndr' is impossible. And this little elf’s nickname does not sound elvish, even as nicknames goes. It sounds Dwarfish. Nori, Dori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Thorin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili…Fini. Do you see what I mean? The name would fit perfectly.


While we're on the subject of names, your main character from the books (or movies in your case), which is the Archer of the fellowship has a name, and as it is a name, it is called a Common Noun. ALL Common nouns start with a CAPITAL letter. This meaning that his name is 'Legolas' not 'legolas'.


And for heaven's sake know the names before you type!! Legolas's father’s name is Thranduil. That's T-H-R-A-N-D-U-I-L. Not Thaladriul!


The word Lorien, which I presume you have used as a shortened form for Lothlórien also is not spelled correctly. Notice in the word 'Lothlórien the second 'o' is lengthened. The same thing applies to the shortened form, thus 'Lórien' not 'Lorien'.


Understand before you write!


"They entered the room where *everyone was at*"


What are these elves, part of Murder Inc doing a song with Ashanti and Ja Rule?


You talk about the palace, Legolas's home, having balconies so on and so forth. WRONG. Legolas didn't live in a palace, a castle to say the least. He lived in an underground fortress, palace, which would not have possibly have had balconies. There is a proper description in the 'Hobbit'.


Also you've done something that really seemed to annoy me. You describe and treat these elves like animals, not elves. For everything you write 'she- elves'. Do understand how incredibly rude that is? Suppose you got that when the Nazgúl called Arwen that at the Ford, that was only mentioned thought BECAUSE they were Nazgúl, servants of the darklord. Evil. They are allowed to but you can't call every elven maiden she-elf in a story. How would you like it if everyone called you 'girl'? Not by your name at all but just 'girl'. It would eventually get annoying. Just imagine what these Elven maidens from Mirkwood are feeling by you calling them she-elves repeatedly.


And then there is also the whole 'courting' thing. Yes courting does mean date, and the word ‘date’ SHOULD NOT be used because of the era Middle-Earth is set in, but must you use 'courting' so often? These are elves, not animals. The word 'courting' could also apply to 'mating' as in animals term. It's quite disgusting when you're the reader. Couldn't you have done something a little more subtle that got the message across in the same time?


Ex. "Legolas and Mirrawen (or whatever her name is) began to spend a considerable amount of time together, finding each others company exhilarating."


As apposed to:


"Legolas and Mirrawen had begun 'courting' each other."


As I said before. It's disgusting what you've done with these poor elves. It's times like these when one wonders if they deserved all of the mistreatment from people like you, just because of their rebellion and other faults in the first age.


Now to one of the real things that pissed me off that occurred **regularly** in your story, dare it be called one.


The following words(which I shall correct of spelling errors): doin', guys, OMG, missy, sis, 'cause, gushy, ya, so, dad, daddy, mom, mommy, gonna, Ahh hah, yep, tootes, hunky, sweetie (not sweety), eatin', um, uh, geez, freak


Would NEVER EVER be used by ANY elf in ANY situation for ANY reason. They live in the third age you idiot!! Not the twentieth century!! This is so terrifically stupid that I can't even laugh.


Can you see Arwen Undomiel going up to Elrond Half-Elven saying:


"OMG daddy, mommy and some of those hunky guys were walking through the Redhorn pass and she was attacked and so hurt and I'm afraid she's gonna die cause she's not eatin' anything cause she's fallen into this freaky depression."


And Elrond saying in reply:


"Aww don't worry sweatie. I am sure mommy will be just fine once she reaches Tol Eressea."


Or the following conversation happening between Thingol and the sons of Finarfin:


"um..uh.. did you say you guys were Noldor."

"Yep.ya."

"Geez..i don't think I can let you into Menegroth but hey! You're sis is a real tootes and we're related so what the hell. Come in."


As I said before no. NEVER. Not any elf. Silvan, Sindar, Noldor, Teleri, Vanyar, Umanyar, Amanyar, Avari, Eldar, Quendi, Eldali?, Dark. Light, Sea, Wood, Deep, Nandor, Laiquendi, Lindar, Falathrim, Galadhrim, High-Elves, Half-Elves, it doesn't matter what type of elf they were, what city, realm or kingdom they were from, whether they lived in the Ages of Star-Light, Sun or both, NO elf would EVER use such words in their vocabulary.


Why?


BECAUSE ELVES ARE NOT SURFIES FROM QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA! THEY DO NOT TALK LIKE TWENTIETH CENTURY IDIOTIC CHILDREN SUCH AS YOURSELF!


Elves are very very very intellectual and excel in speech. To them it is an art, as is everything in their lives. They would not use slang. To them slang could maybe even be a mockery to their Eldarin Languages. No one knows, but this one things are certain. Elves would NOT, EVER, NEVER use: doin', guys, OMG, missy, sis, 'cause, gushy, ya, so, dad, daddy, mom, mommy, gonna, Ahh hah, yep, tootes, hunky, sweetie, eatin', um, uh, geez, in their common normal everyday, or even 'special' day use.


Also Elves cannot be raped and live long enough to have a little conversation with their daughters. Tolkien himself says so. They reject bodily life because they cannot bare the pain and they pass over. They do not hang around and cry and whimper over it like how we, mortals do. They die. DEAD, GONE. Untill of course they reach Mandos where everything is ok for them again.


That is 55 marks off.

O v e r a l l s c o r e:

1 0 0 % - 5 5 - 1 0 - 1 0 - 2 5

= 0%


Do you know what the major mistake is that you've done in this story? Instead of letting yourself go back in time to the world of JRR Tolkien and put your character in that position you've made the whole entire world of Middle-Earth move through time and setting to you to suit your needs.


Even the small things that you write make a big difference, such as everyone going 'dead silent' as your main elf and her friend walk into the ball room. Seriously what are the likes of that happening. It doesn't even happen in the books when either Arwen or Luthien turn up and they are the most beautiful elves in the whole entire world. Elves sprawled all over the bed? Thranduil 'pummelling' his son just for being home late? Not being "Peaches and cream" being a prince? "Nice dressy riding outfit"? Elves slapping each other on the shoulders or backs? A Cheshire cat smile?!?! Are you totally oblivious?


It is absolutely clear that you have no sense of what you're writing at all. You haven't read any of the books at all. (I'll be damned if you've even read at least five chapters of the Fellowship). There is nothing, utterly **nothing** that indicates in here that you've read the books. Indeed if you had then you would know that all of this, happening after the destruction of the ring, was set in the Fourth Age of the Anar and that in the year 3019 on the day of New Years for elves, Celeborn and Thranduil met up in the midst of Mirkwood after the fall assail of Dol Guldur and renamed Mirkwood Eryn Lasgalen, becauase no longer did the evil linger there for Sauron was gone.


The only thing that I can probably say is actual canon within these chapters of yours are names from the books.


Just because you've seen the movies does not mean that you know Middle- Earth. There are plenty of other authors out there like myself who've loved JRR Tolkien's Middle Earth, LONG before half of you people even heard of the book, or in some cases were even old enough to talk.


You can't just watch a movie and decide to write a story when you know NOTHING about what you're writing. It's ridicule to JRR Tolkien. If the great professor were alive I know that he would be distraught to find his masterpieces been basically scribbled over with what people like you call 'stories'.


Middle-Earth is a magnificent tapestry, beautifully created by the talented hand of John Ronald Ruel Tolkien and all the people, animals, places, landscapes, every object are the threads that make Middle-Earth what it is. Each thread, each strand is unique in its own way and can never be replaced. Fanfiction builds a kind of replica with different colours to the original. Each story, each poem, each song is a different thread of different colour which is woven together. You continue the way you are going and it is to be sure that both tapestries will come unravelled before your feet. You are not building you are **defiling**.


Not even your grammar, spelling and format of writing can justify what you've done. It's ridiculous, it's absurd, it's unacceptable. If you want to write READ THE BOOKS. Every book. That includes The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, The Silmarillion and The Unfinished Tales. (Those are at the least. There's still the whole entire History of Middle Earth)


Even Shakespeare said it himself. If you want to write without reading forget it.


And his advice I am now telling you.


If you aren't going to bother reading the books then don't bother writing stories. Fanfiction.net already has had her decorum bruised by others like you. We don't need one more to add to the list. Show some more respect for Tolkien and the name of fanfiction. They deserve more than what you have presented with this story.


Don't make derision out of Middle-Earth or else we will make derision out of you.

***************

Congratulations! You made it! Need me to call an ambulance?

~ Black Pearl

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