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Date Posted: 22:13:34 01/25/04 Sun
Author: F. Fooswick -- the funniest man since the dawning of Barimos
Subject: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here, so leave a message.

2. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

3. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

4. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.

6.He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

10. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
==========================================================
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, Tis I."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon? "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "Me lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
==========================================================
Dear Dogs and Cats, when I say to move, it means go someplace else,
not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids.
They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
==========================================================
Romantic Contest

These are entries to a newspaper competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Oh, go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed*.
(*Drunk in the UK)
=================================================================
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot!"

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seat swere going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up.

The curtain rose, and looking out upon the audience, the two boys were terrified! They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words, "My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out, "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit! I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!" The audience left howling.
=================================================================
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he
was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I
only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
=================================================================




I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me... and at this time of year we all could use a little...calm!!!
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel....



=================================================================


American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

==========================================================
The police car slowly circled the used car lot, and stopped. The policeman walked cautiously up to the old sedan and asked the two old ladies sitting inside to roll down the window so he could talk to them.

"Why are you sitting in this car? If you want a car you will have to come back when the dealer is open and you will have to buy it from him."

One of the ladies said: "Oh officer, we did buy it from him this afternoon, and we have the papers for it---see, here they are."

The officer asked: "Then why don't you drive it home?"

The other old lady said: "Oh, we don't want to drive it, a friend told us that we'd get screwed if we bought a car here."

=================================================================
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.

It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coca-Cola was originally green.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested? A. Obsession

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would
find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common? A. All invented by women.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
==============================================================================================

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