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Date Posted: 10:52:14 03/20/04 Sat
Author: Cunno
Subject: Earthquake Hits the Earsfield

******Errgentlemen Exclusive*********

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale hit Grantham in the early hours of the 19th March 2004.
The epicentre was the Earlsfield (Aires Road).
Casualities were seen wandering aimlesly saying "Bang out of order ennit" "Mental" and "It did my fuckin' ed in."

The earthquake decimated the area, causing an estimate £120 pounds worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of momentos from Skegness and Great Yarmouth were simply damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Hundreds of residents were simply bewildered; they are still trying to come to terms with the fact that the damage was caused by something other than themselves.

One resident, Tracey Sharon Brown, pregnant 14 year old mother of three said "It was a fuckin' shock borr, little Chardonnay-Leigh came runnin through the cardboard door in my fuckin bedroom cryin and swearin'. My hands were shakin like fuck. I struggled to find a vein as I was watchin Trishia in the mornin.

Another resident, known as 'Nixxy' was optimistic in saying that the eathquake would not stop him from going to work, after all the burglaries and graffiti would not do themselves and this type of work had a regular income, ennit.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship across 4,000 crates of "Pink Panda Pop" to aid with the crisis. Rescue workers are shifting through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewelery from Elizabeth Dukes, bine china from Poundstretcher and a number of Argos catalogues.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise enoough money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this catastophe. Clothing is most sought after. Most needed are Kappa tracksuits (his and hers), white socks to tuck tracksuit bottoms into, Burberry caps and Reebok Trainers.

Food parcels are also needed. They should include McCains Micro Chips, Aldi Beans, Pickled Onion Flavour Monster Munch, Nutella Chocolate spread and Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum. Alcohol is also in short supply, mainly Lambini, White Lightening and Carlsberg Special Brew. Cash donations are welcomed, 22p buys a bic biro for signing on, £1.50 buys chips and cheese, and £25 buys Bensons for "Aidy D" who has just got back from Kavos.

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