<center> I'm lost in myself and afraid of who I really am The shell of a man... </center> --

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Date Posted: 07:45:14 08/01/03 Fri
Author: Jakoby
Subject:
I'm lost in myself and afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man...

Time was passing, though not quite quick enough for his liking - but what more could he do? He was slouched into the couch flipping through an old magazine that one of the guards had tossed to him before closing the door and locking it from the outside to wait for Kesi to show up... Things were going not too badly - he still had the occasional new bump or bruise from an unavoidable fight, but nothing nearly as ugly anymore.

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Replies:

It was getting closer and closer to her eighteenth birthday, and she was excited. Then she could be with him whenever, not worrying about anything. She let herself in, smiling at him as soon as she was there. (NT) -- Kesi, 07:52:26 08/01/03 Fri
He smiled a touch at her, tossing the magazine aside. "Hey beautiful." (NT) -- Jake, 07:54:20 08/01/03 Fri
She smiled lightly, sitting down next to him. "hey you." She sighed, leaning over to kiss his lips briefly and trail her hand down his cheek. "how you been?" (NT) -- Kesi, 08:00:36 08/01/03 Fri
He drew her into his lap and returned the kiss. "Not so bad... You?" (NT) -- Jake, 08:02:08 08/01/03 Fri
"Alright...my birthday is coming up!" She grinned, excited about the fact. She wanted to enjoy it with him. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:06:17 08/01/03 Fri
He grinned a little and brushed a kiss to her neck, lips lingering there as he spoke. "Wow, that's exciting..." (NT) -- Jake, 08:07:26 08/01/03 Fri
"Hey, it is!" She grinned a little, poking him. "Are you being sarcastic?" (NT) -- Kesi, 08:10:56 08/01/03 Fri
"No, I'm not!" He laughed, arms tight around her waist. "It is exciting." (NT) -- Jake, 08:11:52 08/01/03 Fri
She huffed, shrugging her shoulders. "Cuz your old and birthdays don't mean nothin' anymore..." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:15:14 08/01/03 Fri
"I'm serious, Kesi." But he was grinning still, simply out of affection. "18 is exciting." (NT) -- Jake, 08:17:22 08/01/03 Fri
She sighed, kissing her softly. "Coming so soon..." She still hadn't repeated the words she had let spill before, she felt so dumb thanks to them. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:20:52 08/01/03 Fri
One had slipped under her shirt to rest on the soft skin of her side. "Once you're 18, it means I'm no longer completely forbidden." (NT) -- Jake, 08:23:00 08/01/03 Fri
She smiled, bright and cheey. "I know, believe me, I know." She grinned, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "I've thought about it a lot." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:25:52 08/01/03 Fri
"Is that gonna take some of the fun away? You're not one of those girls that as soon as something is allowed, it's no fun anymore, are you?" He was teasing - he knew her better than that. (NT) -- Jake, 08:26:46 08/01/03 Fri
She shook her head. "No..not at all." She sighed softly, kissing his lips briefly. "Whatcha been thinkin' about?" (NT) -- Kesi, 08:28:25 08/01/03 Fri
"You..." He always answered the question the same because it was always the truth. A hand played absently over her thigh. (NT) -- Jake, 08:30:11 08/01/03 Fri
"What about me?" He was always so non-specific, she had to dig for deeper answers. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:31:38 08/01/03 Fri
He smiled a touch, lips brushing her neck as he spoke. "How much I've been missing how... How I can't wait till I'm out of here..." (NT) -- Jake, 08:33:03 08/01/03 Fri
She smiled, her head tilting lightly. "We've gotten through almost eighteen months...I think we are doin' pretty good." No one expected them to keep this up like they had. (NT) -- KESI, 08:34:34 08/01/03 Fri
"I think so too..." He caught her lips for a brief moment, he was impressed with how they were doing. (NT) -- Jake, 08:36:45 08/01/03 Fri
She sighed softly, kissing his neck. "We proved everyone wrong, didn't we?" (NT) -- Kesi, 08:39:32 08/01/03 Fri
"Yeah, we have..." So far. He still had faith in them, but sometimes things happened that you just couldn't help - all he could do was hope and pray for them. (NT) -- Jake, 08:41:46 08/01/03 Fri
She sighed softly, laying her head against his shoulder. They seemed a little melencholy today. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:50:14 08/01/03 Fri
He dipped his head to catch her lips for a full, but tender kiss, his eyes closing quietly. (NT) -- Jake, 08:51:29 08/01/03 Fri
She sighed, her eyes on him once the kiss broke. "You seem to have something on your mind." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:57:13 08/01/03 Fri
"Yeah..." He had been talking to Kali, and she had kind of opened up his eyes to the realities. "Are you on birth control, Kesi?" (NT) -- Jake, 09:01:54 08/01/03 Fri
She frowned a bit, a little taken back by the question, shaking her head silently. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:05:16 08/01/03 Fri
"Because it might be a good idea..." He brushed his fingers over her cheek - he was a bit of a disaster when it came to remembering protection, but the last thing he wanted was her to have to deal with a pregnancy scare. (NT) -- Jake, 09:07:08 08/01/03 Fri
She frowned a bit. "My 'rents would flip out if they found birthcontrol somewhere.." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:10:31 08/01/03 Fri
"You can keep it hidden... Your place is private enough..." He spoke softly - he didn't want her getting defensive or embarassed or anything. (NT) -- Jake, 09:11:53 08/01/03 Fri
She sighed softly, her brow furrowed gently. "I don't even know, where...or how...to get it." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:12:52 08/01/03 Fri
"Kali would take you... Or you can just go to a free clinic..." His fingers soothed gently over her back, head titled. (NT) -- Jake, 09:14:25 08/01/03 Fri
She shifted, not totally comfortable with the whole idea. "I guess..." She didn't talk to Kali much though... (NT) -- Kesi, 09:17:52 08/01/03 Fri
He sighed quietly, placing a kiss to her cheek. "I just don't want anything to happen..." (NT) -- Jake, 09:18:45 08/01/03 Fri
"I know..it's just weird." She frowned softly, her head going to his shoulder, thinking to herself. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:31:44 08/01/03 Fri
"How is it weird?" He cocked a brow, glancing down to her - sometimes he forgot how young and inexperienced she really was. (NT) -- Jake, 09:32:44 08/01/03 Fri
She shrugged, blushing immediatly, and falling silent. She wasn't sure about any of this, and now, she would have to go do this by herself. And if her parents found out, that was it, it was over. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:35:59 08/01/03 Fri
He sighed softly and brushed a kiss to her cheek. "I'm not trying to upset you or anything, love.." (NT) -- Jake, 09:38:42 08/01/03 Fri
"I know. I just need to grow up." She was such a baby, a child compared to him. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:40:11 08/01/03 Fri
"You're perfect however you are." Sometimes he felt bad - he really had stolen alot of her teenage years from her, forcing her to grow up as fast as he had to. (NT) -- Jake, 09:43:59 08/01/03 Fri
She frowned, looking away from him. "Sometimes I worry that your gonna get out of here, and meet a real woman..." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:45:52 08/01/03 Fri
"God Kesi... You are a real woman. More woman then I've ever been near my entire life." He protested, watching her gently. (NT) -- Jake, 09:48:07 08/01/03 Fri
She shrugged, a bittersweet smile playing over her face. "I feel like such a kid sometimes...entertaining a puppy crush. " (NT) -- Kesi, 09:50:01 08/01/03 Fri
He fell silent at that - if he understood her correctly, she had just compared what they had to a 'puppy crush', and that was about equal to a slap in the face. (NT) -- Jake, 09:52:18 08/01/03 Fri
She was only saying that because of the words that she had spoke, that he had never returned. She just assumed he knew how she felt. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:56:01 08/01/03 Fri
He was quiet for a long moment before he sighed deeply and looked away. "Kesi, how I feel about you goes far and beyond just 'like', or a 'puppy crush'." (NT) -- Jake, 09:59:59 08/01/03 Fri
That made her look up when he looked away, her brow furrowed in confusion. "What?" (NT) -- Kesi, 10:01:38 08/01/03 Fri
His fingers played through her hair - he couldn't really say it yet, but he had just always assumed she kind of knew. "I like you more than just 'like'... Y'know? Like, lots more.." (NT) -- Jake, 05:21:52 08/02/03 Sat
her brow was still furrowed, her gaze centered on the man. "Really?" (NT) -- Kesi, 05:27:31 08/02/03 Sat
"Really." He glanced to her, gaze quiet a moment before his eyes drifted away again. (NT) -- Jake, 05:55:48 08/02/03 Sat
She smiled softly, her gaze quiet. "Thats nice to hear." She murmured softly, she'd been waiting a long time, and it was begining to feel like he would never give any hint to how he felt. (NT) -- Kesi, 05:59:27 08/02/03 Sat
He brushed a nice to her neck, mirroring her soft smile. "I kinda thought you knew.." (NT) -- Jake, 06:01:19 08/02/03 Sat
She shrugged a bit, shaking her head. "I wasn't sure..." She looked up at him, her eyes adoring. (NT) -- Kesi, 06:02:24 08/02/03 Sat
"I'm sorry.." The fact that she had stuck around so long, without knowing how much he really cared about her, was appreciated... (NT) -- Jake, 06:04:13 08/02/03 Sat
She shrugged lighty, her brow furrowed still just a little. "No big deal.." (NT) -- Kesi, 07:24:00 08/02/03 Sat
He touched her cheek briefly, his own brows furrowing slightly. "What?" (NT) -- Jake, 08:00:24 08/02/03 Sat
She smiled lightly, shaking her head. "Nothin'." She cleared her throat, tilting her head slightly. "So how's your mom?" (NT) -- Kesi, 08:01:12 08/02/03 Sat
His brows remained furrowed at that, absently brushing a hand over his head. "Uh, pregnant, actually." (NT) -- Jake, 08:02:57 08/02/03 Sat
She laughed, raising a brow. "Are you serious?" She shook her head. "Thats good, great actually." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:05:13 08/02/03 Sat
"So serious. My dad thinks he's the shit." He shook his head - he was kind of happy about it actually, but worried about his mother's health. (NT) -- Jake, 08:07:06 08/02/03 Sat
She laughed lightly, shaking her head. "Thats hilarious.." She sighed, settling against him, bringing his hand to rest on her bare midriff. (NT) -- Kesi ], 08:09:47 08/02/03 Sat
His eyes dropped to watch his fingers as they danced over the smooth, dark skin, smirking a touch. "Yeah, it is pretty funny... They figure they might get it right this time." (NT) -- Jake, 08:11:35 08/02/03 Sat
"I think they did ok with the last time." She grinned, kissing his jaw lightly. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:16:49 08/02/03 Sat
He smirked a touch, tilting his head playfully away from her and then dipping back to catch her lips. "Atleast someone thinks so.." (NT) -- Jake, 08:18:01 08/02/03 Sat
She grinned lightly, shaking her head. "I am serious...your perfect." She grinned, kissing his jaw once more. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:25:24 08/02/03 Sat
He laughed lightly, a hand slipping up her back under her shirt. "Well thanks. Appreciate it." (NT) -- Jake, 08:27:20 08/02/03 Sat
She sighed, cuddling closer. "This has been such a serious visit..." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:29:15 08/02/03 Sat
"I know.. Sucks." He winked and smirked a touch - serious conversations could take place over the phone. Or in a routine visit. (NT) -- Jake, 08:30:15 08/02/03 Sat
"You know, we could change that." She winked teasingly, smiling softly at him. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:32:29 08/02/03 Sat
He smiled tenderly, lips falling delicately to her neck. "We could.." (NT) -- Jake, 08:34:27 08/02/03 Sat
She sighed softly, her brow furrowed. "Or..should we....wait? Cuz you know.." She was thinking back to their earlier discussion. (NT) -- Kesi, 08:37:30 08/02/03 Sat
He sighed in quiet disappointment, murmuring against her skin. "We should..." (NT) -- Jake, 08:39:18 08/02/03 Sat
She frowned, her brow furrowed. "We haven't waited for the past eight months." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:44:43 08/02/03 Sat
"That's exactly what I was thinking.." He smirked a touch, nipping playfully at the soft skin. (NT) -- Jake, 08:46:14 08/02/03 Sat
She smiled, her arms going around his neck as he kissed her tightly, lovingly. "Did you know..I haven't looked at anyone..." She kissed her deeply, her tongue drifting around his lips. "Your all I think about...all I see..." (NT) -- Kesi, 08:51:13 08/02/03 Sat
A quiet groan slipped unchecked from his lips, eyes sliding shut as one hand twisted into her hair and he returned the kiss. (NT) -- Jake, 08:53:47 08/02/03 Sat
She sighed softly, kissing down his jaw, to his neck softly. "I am serious Jake..I want you to know that..." She ran her hands over his hair, straddling his lap. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:03:01 08/02/03 Sat
He smiled affectionately, head tipping back as his hands shifted to her hips. "I know..." (NT) -- Jake, 09:06:51 08/02/03 Sat
She pressed down on him, grinding lightly, bringing his hands to rest beneath her shirt. "I dream at night of making love to you..." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:10:20 08/02/03 Sat
He ducked his face into her neck, lips ravishing her dark skin as he exhaled deeply, fingers kneading the supple hidden skin. (NT) -- Jake, 09:13:55 08/02/03 Sat
She swallowed heavily, titling her head back, long black hair falling down her back. "I wake up..needing you so badly..." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:15:05 08/02/03 Sat
"God Kesi..." He murmured quietly - he was the same, lying in bed every night thinking about her, waking up every morning sore... (NT) -- Jake, 09:18:51 08/02/03 Sat
She closed her eyes, her breath getting shallow as she continued speaking. "Sometimes, I swear, when I am sleeping, I can feel you touching me..." She sighed, it was true - she felt so cold when she woke up and he wasn't there. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:20:35 08/02/03 Sat
He touched a finger to her lips, eyes on hers for a long moment before he shifted their positions so she was under him, his lips returning to her neck. (NT) -- Jake, 09:23:55 08/02/03 Sat
She sighed softly, closing her eyes - looking soft and beautiful, even under the harsh lights. "Just think...in not to horribly long...we'll be in a bed, with candlelights, and whipcreme, and..strawberries.." She was teasing lightly, but mostly serious. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:25:47 08/02/03 Sat
"Right now... We are in a bed, with candlelights, and whipped cream, and strawberries..." He murmured in return, teasing gently right back as he kissed his way down to her stomach. (NT) -- Jake, 09:28:15 08/02/03 Sat
She smiled, her hands running over the back of his head, sighing softly beneath his touch. "When you get out of here...your not gonna have a night to spend by yourself for weeks...you'll be so sick of me.." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:30:23 08/02/03 Sat
"Not possible. Not at all possible..." He spoke against her skin, a hand working at the button of her pants. (NT) -- Jake, 09:34:46 08/02/03 Sat
She let out a breath, raising her hips, her hands moving to get his clothes off him slowly. "I'm serious...every night...somewhere..your place...maybe I'll have my own place by then.. just me and you...and whipped cream." (NT) -- Kesi, 09:36:22 08/02/03 Sat
He smiled, eyes shut for a long moment as he envisioned that. A hand slipped between her thighs to caress her tenderly as his lips returned to hers. (NT) -- Jake, 09:39:21 08/02/03 Sat
She made a soft sound, moving against his fingers, swallowing heavily. "Jake.." She ran her hands through his hair, taking a ragged breath against his lips. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:41:21 08/02/03 Sat
"Yes baby?" His tone was gently teasing, touch bold and taunting. (NT) -- Jake, 09:43:46 08/02/03 Sat
She cried out softly, bringing his lips to hers to swallow the sound, moving a little more furiously against his hand. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:46:12 08/02/03 Sat
His brows furrowed a touch, lips leaving hers to travel slowly down her torso, and then to play over her thighs before taking over where his fingers had been. "Shh, sweetie..." (NT) -- Jake, 09:50:08 08/02/03 Sat
"God...how.." She swallowed heavily, her hand twisting in his hair. "How..can you expect me to be quiet..." She looked down, biting her lip to keep from making to much noise. "When you do this?" (NT) -- Kesi, 09:51:35 08/02/03 Sat
Smiling a touch, he glanced up at her, pausing in his task whenever he spoke. "Self-restraint... Be quiet..." His tone was gentle though - he loved her reactions and hated that he had to quiet her. (NT) -- Jake, 09:54:14 08/02/03 Sat
She bit her lip, sighing softly, her hips arching upwards as she closed her eyes, swallowing again. He inflicted so much on her, drove her to the brink of losing her mind nad brought her back down. So many emotions ran through her, it drove her crazy. (NT) -- Kesi, 09:57:31 08/02/03 Sat
He wished so bad that he had all night to make love to her, but he didn't, and their time was coming to an end. So, he work his way back to her lips and then took her with a furious passion - she drove him just as crazy... (NT) -- Jake, 10:00:15 08/02/03 Sat
She was trembling, and near tears when it all came to an end. As much as she loved the way he could take her to heaven for just a moment - she hated how harshly they had to come back to earth on these visits. The guards had knocked once already, usually they got about three knocks. With a sigh, she fought back the emotions that would upset him, kissing his neck sotly. (NT) -- Kesi, 10:01:47 08/02/03 Sat
His heart was pounding and a light sheen of sweat covered his frame, breathing heavy as his eyes fluttered open - voice soft. "God, Kesi.." (NT) -- Jake, 10:04:36 08/02/03 Sat
She smiled softly, trying to compose herself, her breath still ragged - her eyes still closed as her emotions threatened to break. (NT) -- Kesi, 10:06:26 08/02/03 Sat
He shifted carefully off of her, reluctantly placing a final kiss before sitting up and reaching for his clothes. "You okay, love?" A hand slipped to rest lightly on her stomach - he sometimes worried about her, knowing that with all the time inbetween their visits and all the pent up desire, he wasn't always as careful with her as he should be. (NT) -- Jake, 10:09:00 08/02/03 Sat
She nodded, though a lot was suddenly weighing on her mind, she didn't want to upset him by talking about. "I'm good." She smiled at him lightly, standing up to gather her own things. (NT) -- Kesi, 10:13:50 08/02/03 Sat
His brows furrowed a touch in quiet concern, opening his mouth to speak - but interrupted by the second knock at the door, and then falling silent. He tugged on his closed and brushed his fingers through his hair to mess it a little less obviously. (NT) -- Jake, 10:15:28 08/02/03 Sat
She laughed softly, brushing his hair down to smooth it before she kissed his cheek. "I'll see you in two weeks, right?" (NT) -- Kesi, 10:19:32 08/02/03 Sat
"Right..." His fingers smoothed her hair as he placed a kiss to her cheek and then headed over to the door to knock to let the guards know they were ready. (NT) -- Jake, 10:21:15 08/02/03 Sat
She straightened her clothes with her back to the door, her young brow furrowed. There was so much on her mind, and she had absolutely no one she could talk to. (NT) -- Kesi, 10:22:28 08/02/03 Sat
He glanced to her, sighing softly again as the door pushed open and cuffs were returned almost immediately to his wrists and ankles. "See you in a couple weeks, Kesiyah." (NT) -- Jake, 10:24:47 08/02/03 Sat
She didn't want him to leave upset, it wasn't what she intended at all. She smiled softly, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. "Call me, when you get a chance?" (NT) -- Kesi, 10:27:00 08/02/03 Sat
He nodded, catching her lips for a moment, despite the prodding from one of the guards. "Few days, as soon as possible." (NT) -- Jake, 10:28:36 08/02/03 Sat
She nodded, her hand trailing down his jaw before she flashed a smile at one of the guards and headed out. (NT) -- Kesi, 10:30:50 08/02/03 Sat
He shook his head a touch as he watched her go, reluctantly allowing himself to be lead off... (NT) -- Jake, 10:32:58 08/02/03 Sat

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