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Date Posted: 17:19:17 05/03/02 Fri
Author: Repost Fairy
Author Host/IP: 64.193.19.25
Subject: Chapter 22 - Part 3 (end of chapter 22)
In reply to: KGilbert 's message, "Dreams in the Dark - Chapter 20 and forthcoming" on 17:00:21 05/03/02 Fri

The blond man began, drawing his old friend out; it was good to finally have a plan. "Answer some questions for me, Michel." The man nodded in agreement, not meeting his eyes, as Rene went on. "You want her." Michael nodded. "You need her." The pause was slightly longer this time, but the nod returned; Rene's eyes bored in deeper, seeing his goal. "You love her."

Oh. The actor's heart pounded, his gaze faraway. It was a good question, really--one he hadn't let himself face, was far too frightened to; he sighed. Still, after what had happened today, after all the sensations he had had in that intense moment . . . He let out a deep breath, trying to answer. "I don't know." He shrugged. "I need her." He sighed again, heart thumping. More than he had ever known possible, in fact. Still, he shook his head, mouth hanging open--unable to answer this last point. It was far too much for him now.

Hm. The designer helped him. "I take it you've been thinking about having her in your bed." He tried not to laugh. It wasn't like it wasn't obvious.

It wasn't a comforting insight to his friend, though. Christ. The auburn man's eyes closed more tightly this time, hating the truth--but knowing it couldn't be avoided. God, had he ever thought about that; his voice was rough. "Yes."

Rene nodded--seeing his goal. "Then tell me something." The man's eyes finally met his again. "If you did have her sexually, if you knew you could have her anytime you wanted, would that be enough? Would you be content to have her as your lover alone?"

God. There was a very rattled thump, as his heart tried to take this in; it was way too much. Something shook deep within the actor, his eyes unfocusing--terrified of this man's insights. He went back to his earlier fear, trying to ignore them. "I don't deserve . . ."

No. The blond man shook his head. "That's not what I asked." His gaze bore into him further; he knew the man could feel it by the way he looked further away, avoiding his analysis. "Could you be satisfied with her as *only* your lover?"

Oh, Lord. The question worked through at last, finally drew a reaction from the actor--even if it wasn't a spoken one. Instead, a voice from very deep inside of him answered silently: "No." No--he could never be satisfied with just having her near, with only knowing that he had her partway--could never be happy until she was his in every way there was, until he could know for certain that there would *never* be anyone else; he shuddered a little with the force of the desires, realizing the rest of this truth. If he could have that, then, maybe--he prayed--some of this tormenting, fierce need to hold her till she ached might be slaked, at least a little; he sighed, his heart throbbing. But he could never be fully satisfied, could never feel quite whole, until she was his wife.

This realization, of course, was immense, was one he wasn't entirely ready to face yet; it only made it halfway into his conscious mind. He just wasn't prepared for this, couldn't hope to feel capable of such joy; his heart groaned with the truth. He hadn't earned it, didn't deserve her. Something, though--something very distant within him--finally began to speak. Maybe, sometime in the future, he would be at last.

Christ. This understanding was too much for him--was far too profound; he wasn't ready. There was too much past, too much history--was far too much she didn't know; he gave a small, ironic smile. There was also the very definite fact that they had only known each other for a little under a month--had only been even remotely close for part of that; he sighed. Maybe that wouldn't be considered particularly brief in this town, but it wasn't enough for his purposes--wasn't enough for what he needed; he couldn't hope to have won her over completely yet, not her heart and soul. She was an innocent, after all, needed belief, needed trust more than anything else--and he had yet to truly begin to win those from her; the sigh went deeper. No--as much as he might want it--they just weren't ready for each other yet.

These were huge thoughts, of course, were revolutionary plans--the changes which happened inside him in these few minutes immense. Even if none of them were wholly conscious, his intent had formed; he knew that he needed her, that he had to have her near--even knew that he could only truly be sane or happy again with her as the partner of his life. He smiled, the truths settling deeper. All he had to do was begin.

His heart was beating more warmly with these thoughts, happy with these plans--even if they were all for the future. Until they were ready for this, there were other things to focus on--were things which could be done. They had started as co-workers, had become teacher and student; he was determined that, sometime in the not-too-distant future, they would be friends. Nothing less than that could ever satisfy him completely again.

He was smiling, as he thought into this--loving every second of it; he dove deeper, the wonder of it calling him on. He would be the person she turned to in both joy and pain, would be the one she opened every thought to. Then, once this was commonplace, they would be able to tell each other every secret of their past--and their real future could finally begin.

He was smiling deeply now, his heart very warm. Yes--this was right. He had a plan, one which could work. First, he would win her trust. Then, he would win her heart--her love. Finally, when every other truth was clear between them, he would win her body; there was no other way. She was too perfect to take without commitment--but, without her, nothing had meaning; something inside him darkened. And no one else would have her but him.

All these thoughts were beating through him, had taken him over; he was determined at last. She would only give herself to a man who had proven himself worthy of her, to a man who had made his most sacred vows; she would never be used by anyone, would only ever know joy in its purest form. He smiled further, the thoughts settling. It wouldn't be an easy road, he was sure, but he wouldn't turn back. However long it took, he alone would be the fortunate, worthy man who would finally know her love.

Extra thanks to Ania and Eric for the loan of a certain name here. ;)

[End of Part 22]

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Replies:

  • Chapter 23 - Part 1 -- Repost Fairy, 17:20:42 05/03/02 Fri
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