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Date Posted: 13:51:54 10/14/00 Sat
Author: Efeeko el Hoocho
Subject: FINE! I'll make up a new subject myself!!

I'm too tired to rant today, so I'm retelling a story I found online at another message board.

Accounting Homework, Laser Printers, and Nerve Endings: A Bedtime Story


Once there was this smart guy named Matt. Though sometimes he wasnt so smart. See, Matt was up late one night trying to finish his accounting homework. He was getting really tired of working on it. Truthfully, he was breezing right through it, but accounting is tedious and there was lots of stuff to type up in the correct formats.
Needless to say, he was relieved when he had completed his homework. So he clicked the trusty "print" button on his Microsoft Word toolbar, and his printer began to whirr with the sound of his homework being printed.
Then he looked down at the ensuing printout and blinked. Stupid HP Printer crap! The ink cartidge had smeared all over the page! So he fired up his not-so-trusty HP Toolbox and went to the troubleshooting section. There was a way to fix it, so he followed the directions. It said to clean some parts of the printer and then print a test page to get the remaining smears out.

This he did, and much to his chagrin, Matt realized he had just printed out his last page of blank paper.

"Well gosh darn dadgum shoot crap dangit!" he said, calmly ripping the paper to shreds and knocking over the trash can as he tried unsuccessfully to smear the piece of paper along the bottom of it.

It was too late to find a friend in his dorm that would let him print. The only solution was to go downstairs to the lobby and the *shudder* dorm computer lab.

There he found an uncanny sight. The laser printer sat quietly on its table, while used paper was scattered all around it, making a terrible mess.

He put his disk in a computer, brought up his homework, and clicked "print".

Matt looked over at the laser printer. Its LCD display stared back at him, the paper intake sneering at him in a twisted, evil grin.

He stared at the printer.

The devilish printer stared right back at him.

"Printer," he said, "you had better print. I am in no mood to mess with your lousy intake."

The printer just stared back at him.

"Printer," he said again, "dont mock me."

The printer stared back, and sent its message of doom over its LCD panel:

"Error 13: Paper Jam"

"Well dadgum shoot goldang fartknockin' poop!" Matt exclaimed.......quietly, as there were others in the room. He sighed and opened up the printer to fish out the offending thorn.

The paper wasn't there!

Anywhere! He looked and hunted and probed around the steaming innards of the evil laser printer and found no paper jam. As a matter of fact there was no blank paper at all.

As a last resort, he opened the panel at the back of the printer, foolishly disregarding the little yellow sticker that said, "Warning! Touch anything in here and your finger will melt from your hand! We're not kidding! Don't say we didn't warn you! This thing is REALLY HOT, OK?"

"Oh look," Matt said, "there's a silver thing in there. Maybe I should touch it and see if there's any paper around in there."

Matt blinked and found himself a few steps back from the printer and wedged in the corner. His finger felt strange, almost numb. It stung for a second and then stopped.

For some reason his head stung just above his forehead too.

It would be a few minutes before Matt reconstructed the events of his fateful encounter with the evil laser printer, minion of Hell. Apparently Matt had (as we said before) foolishly disregarded that little yellow sticker and stuck his finger inside and touched the silver thingy he though had paper on it.

His reflexes had jerked his hand out of there and made him jump back, which in turn had knocked his head on some overhanging cabinets. His finger had been burned smooth. Even his fingerprint was barely there where he had touched the silver thingy. He realized later that it had hurt for only seconds because the silver thingy actually had burned the nerve endings off the top layer of his skin.

The tip of his left index finger still has no feeling and is smooth.

And thus ends the fateful epic tale of Matt versus the evil Satan fiendish laser printer from Hell.

The moral?
Read those little yellow stickers, and next time just do your accounting homework on notebook paper like everyone else.

The End.

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