| Subject: Re: Had to reply |
Author:
Jenny
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Date Posted: 05:43:56 07/04/03 Fri
In reply to:
JC
's message, "Re: Had to reply" on 19:19:05 04/22/03 Tue
While the control issue might not be your child's problem, JC, it often is a contributing factor. If it starts at or around potty training, "something to control" is usually the beginning, then a few painful bms and you have a chronic patern.
In my experience (I have had two day care boys with this problem), they were very bright boys who had a large amount of liberty with their parents. I mean, they got their way a lot (mostly because they were 'firsts' and the parents didn't know any better). They were both so smart at manipulating their parents it was hardly detectable. Then about the same time as potty training, the parents realized they had a monster in the making and lovingly took back the role of parent. Each of the boys saw how distressed it made their moms. Each of them would eventually void but in unconventional ways (in the backyard, only in public restrooms, messing their pants, asking for a diaper, etc.)
I finally convinced the parents (these situations were years apart so not related) to adopt my plan after the dr.s didn't solve anything. #1 the child had to clean up any mess made and lost a little freedom directly related to the circumstance (can't play in the backyard for the rest of the day, everyone in our group uses the public restroom when we first arrive and just before we leave- discouraging any request to use it again but not refusing, rinse out their underwear and pants, sit on toilet if asking for diaper) always explaining that I'm trying to help them obey the rules (the back yard isn't the place for going potty, it's disruptive and inconsiderate to make the whole party wait while you use the bathroom at the movies, museum or whatever; cleaning messy underwear is not my job- it's yours, diapers are not going to help you go, let's go try the potty and see how it goes,etc.) not making it an issue of POOP. #2 both the parents and I started offering 2 or 3 choices as often as we could. Peanut Butter or Bologna? swing or ride bikes? Veggie tales or muppets movie? Blue pants or red? Which of these 3 shirts do you want to wear? #3 each family worked with their boy to redecorate their room- mostly just moving furniture and changing how toys were stored. #4 kept up with the high fiber diet and stool softeners (we particularly found graham crackers, cherries & oatmeal to be very helpful and easy to incorporate lots into the diet) Once they started to feel the security of rules and the reassurance that they still had opportunities to make choices because of #1-3, the need to with-hold kind of vanished. We hardly notice that the bms were coming at near normal intervals and then we could cut out the stool softeners and after about 6 months, we were able to quit pushing the fiber but we always kept those foods as choices.
You see, most of the plan is to give the child lots of choices but help him understand that they are limited and that mom and dad are in charge. It also took the focus off of poop and put it on behavior. The stool softeners helped eliminate the 'ouch' problem that compounded things.
Both of these boys have no problems whatsoever with this now but they do still try to control their parents a bit more than the average kid.
This is just the way things worked for us. I intend no judgements, I'm just sharing in case someone sees their situation here.
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