| Subject: Re: Burning question on my mind |
Author:
Amy
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 10:19:44 09/23/05 Fri
In reply to:
Rebecca
's message, "Burning question on my mind" on 21:28:21 09/19/05 Mon
Your child is emotionally 5 but intellectually has the capability to understand jealousy and the ability to start learning the concept of whose problem this really is. I know because my 15 year old, for different skills, got the same sort of thing at a young age and I had to teach him these lessons.
The first thing is, are YOU worried about what these parents think? If you are, quit! Worry about what God thinks, about what is best for your child, but not about these insecure, jealous people. Pray for them, yes, but don't worry about their opinions - they aren't worth the sweat equity. If you are worried about their opinions, I guarantee your child will know without your saying a word and will worry no matter how much reassurance you give verbally.
The next thing is, whose problem is this? It is NOT yours. It is NOT your child's. It belongs to the jealous adult who feels that you and your child are making them look like a bad parent because your child is extremely intelligent. Intelligence is one of many gifts a child can have. At an early age I taught my son that there are different types of intelligence; he has a young cousin who struggles in school but has been helping his dad fix things since he was a preschooler and is unusually mechanically adept, doing things many adults cannot. Other children have an unusual emotional sensitivity and seem to know what to do beyond their years. You can defuse the situation together by pointing out to these parents the gifts you see in their children before the conversation gets aimed at your child, so that they are deflected. Maybe it's just that the child always remembers not to run with scissors, but find something. That puts the focus where the parent really needs it - on something their kid does well, which to their mind translates into how good a parent they are. Tell your child and those around her that God gives each of us different gifts and He expects us to work together to make the world a better place; that no gift is small in His eyes and thus not in yours; and that we all need to respect each other's gifts.
Then tell your child to be proud of that gift and to realize that condemnation is because someone feels bad about themselves and they don't know how to handle that, and that this is not your problem or your child's - the problem belongs to the person who is condemning a child when they should be celebrating a gift. Tell the child it takes a really insecure, small minded, frightened adult to try to hurt the feelings of a 5 year old and to teach their children to do the same things. Tell your child to feel sorry for them and it will help. It helped my son. In fact, once when he was younger, he even said to an adult, "I feel sorry for you because you have to be mean to other people to make yourself feel good. I will pray for you. I am sure you have some talent God wants you to use and all you need to do is find it. Then you won't have to be mean to people to feel good about yourself." It also helps to ask the child if they recall a time when perhaps they were unkind. Explore what happened - illness, fatigue, hunger, feeling overwhelmed - and ask if being unkind made those feelings go away. When they admit it didn't, then you can tell them that people are mean because they want to feel better, but it doesn't work so they are still miserable and deep down they feel guilty for what they did so they become more angry and are more likely to hurt someone again. It's a vicious cycle.
It will take some practice to make this work, and a lot of hugs and telling your child that there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes, you may need to confront the parents yourself, and be blunt enough to tell them something like, "Your neurosis is not my problem nor my child's. I will not tolerate your treating my child like this. If you cannot say something positive, please keep your mouth shut. If you continue, I will consult with legal counsel about possible legal actions against you. I feel sorry for you but I will not let you have an adult temper tantrum and lash out at my child to make yourself feel better. Find a more positive way to deal with your insecurities; lashing out at a kindergartener is not healthy coping." Don't yell, but speak up, be firm, and NEVER lose eye contact even for a second. If they move toward you threateningly, don't back down - stay put and hold your ground, and lean forward slightly and ask them what part of "quit disrespecting my child" they didn't understand. They will back down.
Good luck - it does work, and it does take effort, but it's worthwhile.
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 