| Subject: Re:(詳見內文)第二篇喇,eng應該合格，但難高等級呀。(About a E Grade) |
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板主
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Date Posted: 18:59:58 03/09/03 Sun
In reply to:
cherry kam
's message, "係我第二篇喇,唔知可唔可以合格呢??" on 07:03:50 03/08/03 Sat
General Comments
1. Most Prepositions misused! Be careul as it will affect greatly to your grade.
2. Also: Misuse of "should". For "should", you mean they must do something.(Order) But for suggestions, you should only use "may/can"!
3. Lack of variety of vocabulary showed-important for CE but not important for ASL-dangerous!!!
4. Even though Solutions are mentioned this time, they are weak & vague! For instances, I can't distinguish the differences between "play games" & "extra-curricular activities"-resulted in a reopition & an image of "no point"! Yet, last suggestion is most problematic. Because "politeness can't be achieved simply by talking. You mentioned a possible cause without giving practical solution-difficult for anyone to handle!
Note: For making suggestions in writng "Pervasive/Argumative", it had to be practical(can be practise in real life) unlike the requirements of "narrative wrting" that can be imaginative!
5. Too many sentences' meanings unclear-diffcult for markers to read and that also mean a poor grade is certain!!!
6. Other small comments in #[blankets].
7. Last of all, since I can see that you are eager to practise "Argumative/Pervasive Writng", I strongly recommend you read or watch more newspaper/News Program as related to real life and a way to train you to think practically & logically-not just read textbooks and suggest impractical solutions to issues! (I am sorry to find that your writing style still don't fit the type of wrting you chose & it is very dangerous-may be you should try "narractive" as you can put forward "imaginative" ideas.
P.S. Priscilla, may you be more rigid in commenting other's work as it will affect their attitude & Grades!!!
> Improving student/teacher relationship
> On#[In] the world, the relationship between students and
>teachers was coming #[becoming not = coming!!!] bad. Because teenagers want to #[NO preposition needed!]
>freedom, but the education made some rules #["educatiuon" is dead & can't made rules!It is the adults in society that made rules!] to control them. It will seriously affect our >education effect.
>So #[wrong use of "so"! Because you have not mentioned why there are 3 solutions here!!!] there are three suggestions >to improve their relationship.
> Firstly, students should be playing games with
>teachers. Physical touch, is important of one of ways,
>as good as or may be better than talking and chatting.
>Such as basketball, teamwork can be improving it.
>Outside the physical touch, relax way is important
>too. Students were studied under the pressure to learn
>for long time; the character of them may be change to
>quiet.#[Character can't be "quiet"!!!] Playing games can relax there feeling.[Feeling can't be "relaxed"! People can be relaxed while feeling ccould be
> And, school should hold an extra-curricular activity
>for students and teachers. After school, students
>would easily play and close with teachers. Sometimes
>we are #[No need use "are"!]discovered that teachers are
#[became is better] very friendly and
>funny. They can know more about themselves, and it can
>increase the affect#[improve relation/boost affections, not increase affect-verb!] between students and teacher.
>Also, students will satisfy#[be satisfied] with teacher’s ability.
> Finally, students should be polite to teachers, if
>students aren’t polite to teachers, the relationship
>will being broken down by impolite. They considered
>teachers, and then teachers are always ready to
>looking after them. So politesse is one of important
>ways to improve the relationship. Out of the school,
>if student keep impolite to other people #[What does that mean???Who are the "other people"???], it should
>appear problem #[a problem could arise but not appear!!!]in relationship.
> On the whole, other people can’t help to improve
>their relationship, only they can do it. Bad
>relationship can break down our education level, in
>the future; it can change economy to turndown.#["It could lead to the downturn of economy" instead of "it can change..."!Besides, economy can turn bad but not down!!! ]
>Students and teachers, should #[try] hard #[to] improve >their relationship, may be enjoy their school life.
#[Conclusion is O.K.]
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