| Subject: Re: 唔知可唔可以合格呢??(詳見內文)eng應該合格，但難高等級呀。(About a E Grade) |
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板主
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Date Posted: 18:29:26 04/14/03 Mon
In reply to:
cherry kam
's message, "唔知可唔可以合格呢??" on 10:40:22 04/14/03 Mon
General Comments
1. Wrong logic everywhere-especially suggesting points without prove while using words like "must" or "should"-leading to a stubbon tone.
2. Lack of variety of vocabulary showed-important for CE but not important for ASL-dangerous!!!
3. Even though Reasons are mentioned before Proposals this time, they are weakly linked & vague! For instances, I don't know what is the relationship between "In international world" & "we must have computer"! You see, in Africa ("a part of International World"), we can't find many computers. But yet No one hads mentioned that as a problem of their education system! On the contrary, we have heard from HK news that schools put their extra computers in the toilets. So the Number of Computer does not matter-it is the use of it does matter.
4. Too many sentences' meanings unclear-diffcult for markers to read and that also mean a poor grade is certain!!! (E.g. Students were very dangerous when they were using.-Using what???)
5. Other small comments in #[blankets].
6. Think twice before you write: Your logic is problematic & hence I urge you NOT to write practise "Argumative/Pervasive Writng". But if you DO want to write, I strongly recommend you read or watch more newspaper/News Program as related to real life and a way to train you to think practically & logically-not just read textbooks and suggest impractical solutions to issues! (***I am sorry to find that your writing style still don't fit the type of wrting you chose & it is very dangerous-may be you should try "narractive" as you can put forward "imaginative" ideas.***)
>your school has received a gift of money,your
>principal has decided to improve the school facilities
>in many ways by spending this money.
>you are the secretary of the school and you have been
>asked to write a short proposal to the principal
>recommending at least three for the improvement
>======================================================
>Dear principal,
>Three ways to improve the school facilities
>Our school has 10 year ago; there are many old
>facilities, a few of it are not use for a long time.#[Old not mean cannot be used-otherwises how can the second hand market survice? Also: cannot be used; Not "are not use"]
>Good facility is a better environment for study.#["Facility" is a component of "environment", but not equal to environment"!!! So "is" is wrong!!!]
>If students have enough resource to study, they should
>have a good result. #[Logic: Good resources does not mean "have good results"!!! Otherwises those private schools with good facilities would have "A" grade students!]>So we should use the receiving money to upgrade the function of our school facilities.
>In the international world, we must have some top
>computer rooms. #[logic problem] It can help the students to learn.
>Such as, students can use the Internet to find some
>interesting information. #[ Any negative impact???] And teachers can use computer
>to teach them that they should not #[be] boring in study. #[Computer=Not Boring??? Haver you attend classes that teachers read directly sentence by sentence in "powerpoint" as they read directly from the textbooks in the past??? I have!!!]
>On the other hands, students can study one more subject
>which #[missing: is] computer studies. It can prepare their working
>in future, because computer is important in business. #[Are you sure? Old & small business rely on manual work rather than computers!!!]
>Physical exercise can keep students health, so every
>of study form has P.E #[Don't use abbreviations without explanation!!!] learns. #[What do you mean? I don't understand!] Breaking sport
>facilities can be injured students#[ Wrong voice-you mean the "facilities" will be "injured" by the "students"?!],
>however every body of students is very important, so we don't #[No abbreviation unless in dialogue!!!]
>want student to injure. For example, some sport rackets were
>broken.Students were very dangerous when they were
>using. #[Mising object for transitive verb "using"!!!]
>Physical exercise is relaxing their pressure, #[help reaxing; Not equal / "is" relaxing]
however #[Wrong conjuntion-However; Use So!] sport facilities must be great.
#[Wrong logic: PE is useful not means the facilities must be great!!! Poor facilities can still relax pressure. It is not the facilities that matter; it is the participants' attitute that matter.]
>Finally, we should improve our classrooms. The table
>and chair were used 10 years ago #[ were used for 10 years/ bought 10 years ago; Not both!] , it very old and dangerous. #[Agin: Old not equal to dangerous!!!]
>Students sat on the chair for a long time,
>and then they felt very tired, because the chair
>designing is not good for human. #[Can you prove? Are you a designing expertise?]>We must use the classroom to learning. #[ Have you heard that students can go outside like national park for learmning? It is not"must"! It is just the problem in Hong Kong-We are forced to use classrooms and we only learn indoors.]
>So there should have better
>facility. Also, using the chalk is making pollution
>and affecting our health. #[Can you prove? Are you a health expertise?]
>We should improve the school facilities about our
>study. I hope we have good facilities in our school,
>student’s will interesting in study. #[Where is your conclusions? Can't you summarize your proposals???]
>Best wishes,
>Chris Wong
>Secretary of school
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