| Subject: Re:My comments & expected eng grade in AS-應該合格，但難高等級呀。(About a D Grade) |
Author:
板主
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Date Posted: 21:27:22 10/08/03 Wed
In reply to:
bobo
's message, "I want to ask the eng grade in AS" on 09:58:13 10/07/03 Tue
General Comments
1. Grammar mistakes spotted. (Refer to below)-generally acceptable.
2. wrong use of abbreviations. In writing papers, you can only use the complete form. [E.g. Use "cannot" insead of "can't]
3. Reducdant of words & wrong word choice.
4. Weak arguments-unconvincing.
5. Other small comments in #(blankets).
>Life without entertainment
>Nowadays, we are living in a prosperous city that is
>flooded with competition and pressure. We must have
>entertainment to balance our psychological condition
>after works and studies. Entertainment can give us
>chance to relax, to have a healthy body and a good
>friendship.[#You mean ALL/some of your friends are only for entertainment? Very strange to me!!!] For example, singing and dancing also are
>a part of entertainment. [#Not connected since singing & dancing are NOT helping you to have a healthy body.]
>Sometimes, we want to watch the TV or play the
>computer games to relax when we are tired. However,
>our parents must not let us to do it. It is because
>that they think we waste the[#our-better option] time. They think that
>entertainment can have a negative effect on our study.
>It may reduce the amount of time we [#can] spend on our
>homework. Even worse [#worse still-better word choice] ,
>if we have the entertainment to
>relax for a long time, [#If we have more time to entertain,]parents believe that this is a
>big reason to affect our study. They think that the
>entertainment is a useless thing, result from it
>can’t give us money in future. [#resulting in a poor prospects.]
>If we have no time for entertainment, we have a
>monotonous and boring life. Then, we have no chance to
>make new friends,[#study can help you make friends too!!!] therefore our friendship >will be bad. [#our relationtionship can not be that close] Since we are working and >studying, there are some pressures. [#No Plural form for "pressure']
>We can’t relax [#relieve/alleviate, NO "relax"] the pressure when our life
>has no entertainment. Unluckily, we may go mad with
>these reasons, even worse,[#variation of word choice needed]
>we may commit suicide on the highest pressure.
>When my life [#Verb???-is] without entertainment, I think I don’t [#abbreviation]
>want to live. [#so unconvincing as life is NOT ALL about "Entertainment"-refer to Chinese Culure text: "Meaning of Life"]
>It is because the life is less
>meaningful and not concrete. [# what do you mean? I don't really understand!]
>For example, my friend who is Peter, since he studied in secondary school,
>his homework was more and more. When as the school
>examination period was fast [#fast-reducdant] approaching, he wanted he
>was the best in his class. [#wanted to be the best] In addition, he studied in
>a best-known [#well known] school, so he wanted his study’s result
>was wonderful. [#was confidence that he could have good results].
>Beside, he spent 8 hours to sleep, all
>time used in study after school everyday. [#the rest was used in studying]
>He hadn’t [#abbreviation] any activity in his spare time. As a consequence, he
>had high pressure in study for a long time, but he had
>no entertainment in his life. {#reductdant] He can’t [#abbreviation] have a chance
>to relax his pressure. Finally, he had ill-temper then
>his friends were no contact with him. He had [#lead] a lonely
>life. He chose to commit suicide to finish his lives
>when he felt very helplessly [#abbreviation] . This is a reason that no
>entertainment can affect our life.
[#Wrong example lead to unconvincing argument, e.g. if I say I commit suicide because of money, does it mean that money is evil??? Please think TWICE before you write, especially I believe that a MARKER like me will not appreciate people with bad ethic standard]
>In conclusion, entertainment can give us chance to
>relax, to have a healthy body and a good friendship.
>Life without entertainment can let to break our life.
>It has been suggested that we should strike a balance
>between study and entertainment.
[#Weak conclusion]
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