E. Bobby Looper. age 13, arrested in Salina, Kansas -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 08:06:34 04/21/01 Sat
Author: Police Sgt. Charles H. Spurgeon III
Subject: E. Bobby Looper. age 13, arrested in Salina, Kansas

The juvenille E. Bobby Looper, wanted on warrants in California for taking an automobile w/o the owner's permission and using a credit card w/o the owner's authorization, was taken into custody this morning while sleeping in his uncle's car.

The youth was parked behind the "Dew Drop Inn" tavern located at Milford and 15th. Empty beer cans, empty bourbon bottles, pornographic magazines, a loaded 9mm pistol, and several sex toys were found in the automobile along with an inflatable female sex-doll upon which was written the name
"Penny."

The youth is being held in the New Day Christian Care Center, a government funded religious gulag, where he will be rehabilitated along biblical principles until his family arrives from Los Angeles to pick him up.

"We've already spanked him repeatedly with the "BAD BOY GIANT GYM PADDLE" said youth counselor Glenn Milford. Milford, 38, and an ex-Marine drill sargeant, believes in the godly principle that, "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him (or her)."

Commented Sgt. Milford, "The BAD BOY GIANT GYM PADDLE is made of high perfromance carbon fiber like the pros use in tennis rackets. It is 18" in length x 6" wide x 1" thick. It is perforated with holes so as to lower the drag
coefficient when I swing it through the air. I swing it in the way I would a baseball bat: I plant my back leg, rotate my hips, and step into the swing holding the paddle with both hands and my wrists choked up on the paddle's neck."

"The maximum effect of administration is BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE," emphasized Milford, a strapping man who stands 6' 3" and weighs in at a well-muscled 200 lbs. "These so-called 'tough guys' break down and cry like girls when the BAD BOY sends the unmistakable message to their buttocks that both God the Creator and the Salina, Kansas, will not tolerate sin! Bobby has been paddled as harshly as that American punk was caned in Singapore for spraying grafitti
all over the place."

"Bobbly is currently in his cell, er, bedroom, shedding godly tears of repentance and begging for the soothing balm of Gilead to be massaged into his quivering buttocks." Milford commented. "I will be applying the lotion later on today after the pain has had a chance to teach young Master Looper that simply because a boy has a hard-on for some skank 2500 miles away, that doesn't mean he can simply steal his uncle's car and credit cards and runaway on some misbeggoten road trip to get his pecker wet. And, lordy, but does that boy have a pecker on him!" Milford declared off the record. "When I stripped-searched him, I just couldn't believe the size of that thing! It's longer than one of them 'Louisville Sluggers' they give away on bat night at the Kansas City Royals games."

Reverend E. Dwayne Looper, the boy's famous evangelist uncle who has custody over the lad could not be reached for comment. E. Leo Looper, the boy's father, is living in self-imposed exile in England, apparently over a family rift.

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Replies:

bobi i hop u kin rid dis -- penniy pace, 12:59:07 04/21/01 Sat