The Rescue of OPB -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 15:21:28 10/16/03 Thu
Author: Reverend E. Dwayne Looper
Subject: The Rescue of OPB

Satan knows human weaknesses all too well. Satan was able to ensnare Rush Limbaugh with Oxycontin and hydrocodone. Satan was able to drag Bush-Cheney, and by extension America, into a Viet Nam style morass with the lure of Iraqi
oil. OPB was small pickings for Satan: the lure of a cheap blow job was all that was needed. I do not say that to trifle with OPB's feelings nor to demean him. Nay, for even President Clinton was taken down by a cheap blow job. Indeed, cheap blow jobs are one of the most potent arrows in the quiver of Ol' Splitfoot.

I was first made aware of OPB's dire predictament when Jesus appeared to me in the flesh whilst I was in my prayer closet beseeching the most high for HOLY GHOST POWER. Jesus appeared in his radiant, ascended form before my astonished eyes.

"Holy Christ!" I said in astonishment.

"Thou, my servant Looper," said Jesus, "I come to send you and the Holy Knights of Looper on a special mission of godly war."

"Pace?" said I.

"Yea verily, Pikkur Pace has once again..."

"Anally raped?" I interjected.

"No, not this time. It is worse than his sin of sodomy, for Satan has induced Pace to commit the sin of cannibalism."

I was so horror stricken by these words that I had to immediately take holy communion to cleanse myself. As I tasted the symbolic blood and body of Christ, I knew that Pikkur's sin would be no match for HOLY GHOST POWER. Having been cleansed, I told the Lord that I was ready to compass land and sea on my mission.

The Lord spoke and said, "Neither land nor sea will you compass, but rather I will send you into space."

"But I can't breathe in space, Jesus," I replied. I hate it when I have to point out the obvious to Jesus, but he sometimes forgets these human sorts of things because he is God.

"Oh yeah, the breathing thing," the Savior responded. "Hmmm. Okay, here's what I'll do: I'll violate the laws of physics and biology so that you and your knights can fly into space by just thinking it, breathe the vacuum of space, absorb gamma radiation without harm, and fly faster than light. How's that?"

"That's super, Jesus. But what about food and the bathroom? What do we eat and where do we go potty?"

"Hmmm," Jesus grimaced, obviously bothered by all of the physical restrictions, "Okay, we will just use a starship instead like the one on Star Trek and that way you will have everything. Now, what I want you to do is to go and rescue OPB who is trapped in carbonite onboard Pikkur Pace's starship "The Hillbilly."

With that, a bright flash occurred and my knights and I were on the bridge of the Enterprise, which we rechristened the USS JESUS. We were moving at Warp 10 and I could see The Hillbilly on the screen. Captain John Luc Pikkur was commanding The Hillbilly for the evil Overlord Darth Pikkur Pace and Satan. The Hillbilly must have seen us because it began firing photon booger balls at us. The ship began to rock violently as it was slammed by these 100-ton booger balls moving at near light speed.

"Captain Looper," my helmsman cried, "The booger balls are clogging the engine." We switched to a view of the engine room and saw a V8 engine with twin Holly four barrel carbuerators and sure enough, there were boogers on the air intakes. We were losing power faster than Rush Limbaugh!

"Fire Bibles!" I commanded. The USS JESUS let loose with a stream of KJV 1611 hardbound Bibles. The Bibles hit the Hillbilly and tore a big hole in its bridge. I could see Darth Pikkur Pace dressed in a velour goat costume while Satan was sodomizing him.

Having interrupted their little "alternative lifestyle" tryst enraged Satan and Pikkur. They returned fire with a stream of very tiny ballastic liberal testicles, all of which bounced harmlessly off of the USS JESUS.

Now was my chance to deal a death blow to The Hillbilly. "FIRE CHICK TRACTS!" I roared. A lethal ray of "THIS WAS YOUR LIFE" and other Jack Chick Tracts pummmeled Satan and Pikkur Pace, knocking them unconscious. I then ordered that a carbonite-thawing laser be fired upon The Hillbilly. My knights and I then beamed over to The Hillbilly and found OPB in a stupor. We beamed back and took him to the sickbay.

To be sure that Satan and Pikkur would not give chase, I returned to The Hillbilly and bound them togther with really strong duct tape. Then we left at Warp ten for earth and safety.

On our return, I went down to sickbay to check on OPB. He was gone. We searched all over the ship looking for him and could not find him anywhere. We were in a panic for having failed Jesus because, as it was becoming apparent, Satan had somehow loosened himself from the tape and had recaptured OPB.

I sat dejected in my chair on the bridge when suddenly Knight E. Shatner Looper called me. "Captain Looper," he exclaimed, "I have found OPB!"

"Thank God! Where is the lad?" I eagerly asked.

"Uh, mmm, well, he is on the holodeck sir."

"And what is he doing there?" I demanded.

"Uh, well, he is, well..."

"Tell me!" I ordered."

"Sir, he is getting a cheap blow job."

So that was it. Just as the scripture says, "As the dog returns to its vomit, so too does the fool return to his folly," had OPB returned to sate the lusts of his twentysomething flesh.

Yet Jesus had ordered OPB saved for a reason and I am certain that OPB will one day accept Jesus Christ and his personal Lord and Savior and repent of recording negro rap music. Who am I to question God?

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Replies:

Dde Ffal of OPB -- Davydd ab Bicwr, 08:32:01 10/19/03 Sun