Dear former Sinner-man. It was a pleasure last night at Bible study when you shared your conversion story, however, we really didn't quite need that level of confession about your sordid past. This morning I got a call from a few of the ladies who said that you made their pantaloons wet. Please, you are not Ricky Martin. Stop the pelvic thrust gestures and dancing when you share your testimony. And we do not need to hear about what you did between the milky thighs of women when you were a sinner. I think perhaps you should just say that you were saved and leave it at that, this although the part about how you and Benny Hinn tag-teamed Phyllis Schaffly was, um, revealing to say the least. I hadn't realized that Rev. Hinn was, as you put it, "hung like Hercules." He must have the Looper gene in him. Nor had I realized that Rev. Hinn went into a sexual frenzy at the scent of a woman. My gosh, he sounds like a sexual athlete. I shall not be inviting to preach at the next Praise be to Lord and Savior Master of All Heaven and Earth Punisher of the Iniquitous and Friend of the Righteous Brethren Who Worship Him from Whom All Things Are Created Tent Revival lest he induce a sexual frenzy in the assembled saints. The last thing I need is an orgy-cum-revival.
I like your list of action items and agree with Sister Leticia Tubbs. I would add one item, and that is to take the Scott Tibbs Christian Activist Correspondence Course., While critics have called it an "How to be an ASSHOLE" course, I think of it as way to learn how to be stupid for Christ, for did not Paul say, "The preaching of Christian politics is foolishness to those who perish?" Scott is certainly foolish, even stupid, but he is stupid and foolish -- and even vile -- for the sake of Christ and so his heart is in the right place.
Finally, Saved-Man, if you get into trouble with a teenaged girl or are arrested for serious felonies such as swindling millions of dollars from your fellow Christians as did Jim Bakker, remember this pearl of wisdom:
"Christians are not perfect; just forgiven."
This cherished bon mot is an all-purpose excuse that can be invoked when the believer is accused of any felony or misdeed. It is probably the best phrase in your Christian toolbox of trite phrases.
