Why I think chainsaw evangelism is so effective... -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 11:39:23 10/27/03 Mon
Author: Reverend E. Dwayne Looper
Subject: Why I think chainsaw evangelism is so effective...
In reply to: Mrs. Judy O'Christian 's message, "Chainsaw! Chainsaw! Chainsaw!" on 00:59:24 10/27/03 Mon

Dear Sister in Christ Judy mentions that blessed move of the Spirit in Australia when evil heads rolled and new souls were brought into the fold.

That night I had HOLY GHOST POWER and felt like SAMPSON as I weilded THE MIGHTY LOOPER CHAINSAW OF CHRIST. Like Daniel in the lion's den, I walked into the cage to face thirty wicked Aussies who thought the could beat ONE MAN OF GOD. Well, let me tell you this: One man + God = An Army whereas
30 Aussies = 30 Aussies -- and they were all DRUNK to boot.

Talk about OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!! The Aussies came at me swinging their bolos, knives, machetes, and chainsaws. Well sir, my first swath was a mini-French revolution as seven heads rolled!

The crowds went wild as heads of the dead rolled wildly about with grotesque expressions as they WERE STILL ALIVE and watching their HEADLESS BODIES SPURT BLOOD FROM THE STUMPS OF JAGGED NECKS, PRAISE GOD!!!

I was then stabbed in the shoulder by one of the Aussies who had circled around me. BIG MISTAKE! I jumped and spun around in mid-air Matrix-style and took off another seven heads! The heads whirled and bounced off the sides of the cage walls, spattering the audience with blood and brains. Cheers went up for Jesus!!!

LOOPER!!! LOOPER!!! LOOPER!!! The crowd began to shout as they tossed full bottles of Guiness at the cage. I cold feel the broken glass and cold beer hit my tortured flesh as the remaing fourteen Aussies circled me for the kill.

I charged with my mighty chainsaw and ripped and shredded as Jesus filled me with HOLY GHOST ADRENELINE!!! Arms, legs, hands, feet, kidneys, lungs, and all other manner of body parts flew around the inside of the cage as if it were a giant Cuisinart.

AND THE BLOOD!!! THE BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE!!! I WAS SOAKED WITH THE BLOOD OF SINNERS!!! SURELY THIS WAS THE JOY THE ARMIES OF ISRAEL FELT AS THEY SLAUGHTERED EVERY LIVING PERSON IN THE PROMISED LAND!!!

ANOTHER KNIFE PIERCED MY NAKED BODY (YES, THIS WAS ALL DONE IN THE NUDE) IN THE SHOULDER, REMINDING ME THAT THE BATTLE WAS NOT YET OVER!!!

I pivoted, flipped and mowed five more heads off with my chainsaw, and with each head I felt sinful spinal columns and ligaments surrender to THE HOT WHIRRING STEEL OF GOD!!!

Soon, there were only three wounded Aussies facing me. The poor blighters were limping and bleeding with chainsaw marks all over the bodies. They all dropped to their knees and begged to be spared.

I turned to the audience with my chainsaw raised in the air. As the Gladiator of God, I would leave it to the Christian audience. Their response was clear and godly:

KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM!!!

And so I did.

I them collected all of the heads, sawing heads from the bodies where needed, and we stuck them on the pikes on top of the cage. An altar call was then given. The unsaved dared not refuse to come to the altar of prayer given the frenzy of the drunken Christian audience. The SAVED wanted more BLOOD AND THE SINNERS KNEW IT!!

THE SINNERS WERE SPRINTING TO THE ALTAR!!! THOSE WHO WERE NOT FAST ENOUGH WERE SWARMED BY THE SAVED AND FILETED!!!

Over 3,000 people were fast enough to make it to the SAFE ZONE as we called the area around the cage. Of course, many were trampled and died of their injuries, but that really could not be helped. At least we prayed for the most seriously injured first so that we could ensure their salvation. I am sure that our Christian brothers Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy were watching from heaven and cheering us on. Jeffrey and Ted both liked slaughter when they were sinners and I'm sure they like born-again slaugher even more because there is something so pure about killing for Christ. Now I know why the Crusaders did what they did: It was thrill killing for God! And it is justified because people were saved!

Bless God! We're doing again in Manila this spring when I face fifty of the little brown men with machetes. To even the odds, I am bringing ten PIT BULLS. Trained to the taste of Filipino blood, these HOUNDS OF HEAVEN will assist me in THE BATTLE. Following the battle, the PIT BULLS will then be catapulted into random areas of the audience, this to provide an incentive to drive sinners to the SAFE ZONE.

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