Who Would Jesus Bomb? -- The Drunks Bar

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Date Posted: 21:02:01 07/20/01 Fri
Author: Colonel Lyman O'Dell, USMC (ret)
Subject: Who Would Jesus Bomb?

I assert that our Lord Jesus, were he Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States of America -- a job that would also make him President, which he couldn't be as the Savior was not born in America, but for the sake of argument let's say he was because, well, Jesus has for all intents and purposes become an American if you really think about it because we have come to own him in important ways that no one else has, I mean, hell, where else but in America can Jesus play a role in presidential politics?

Anyway, if Jesus were the President and CIC (and how I wish he were! Oh God how I wish my precious Jesus were in the Oval Office using his divine wisdom and foreknowledge to get the US out of the slough of depravity into which it has sunk!), I am sure that he would bomb the living daylights out of the California Department of Motor Vehicles, those bastards who want to "review" my license to drive simply because I am 91 and had a small accident yesterday on the freeway in which a few folks -- and the DMV is trying to say that 45 people is a lot of people and it ain't when, as I have, you've commanded thousands of men -- got hurt, some of them more than others.

It wasn't my fault. I was driving the bus from the Senior Center to the field trip to Knott's Berry Farm where we were going to see where they make those preserves. Now I'm not in the least bit goddamned interested in jelly-making, but Lucille Montegard was going and I am as hot for her as an iron turned all the way up to "full steam." So I am driving along the Santa Ana Freeway when suddenly a giant Jesus starts coming at me. I thought I was dying, Turns out it was a movie prop that fell off a truck. Yes sir, a thirty foot Jesus hit the bus and I lost control and some people got hurt. I was fine except for the fact that my dentures flew out of my mouth and got lost somewhere there on Interstate 5 near the Magnolia exit.

I didn't get a ticket and yet I still have to go in and prove to the goddamned DMV that I should be allowed to drive! They think I should have been able to dodge Jesus by turning the bus faster. They said my reactions were too slow. Too slow! Hah! "Hell," I told my grandson, "I'd like to see any man who is quick enough to outmaneuver Jesus! It ain't gonna happen. Not even Bill Clinton could do it, that rat bastard, pot smoking, womanizing, draft-dodging piece of crap!"

So I guess my questions to you folks are these: Was this God's will for this to happen to me? If so, shouldn't God be the one having to answer to the DMV? And shouldn't God be paying for my new set of dentures?

Why me O Lord? I am thy servant, Colonel Lyman O'Dell, USMC (ret).

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Replies:

Re: Who Would Jesus Bless? -- Reverend E. Dwayne Looper, 08:32:26 07/21/01 Sat