The Pace II Dialect and the Pace Booger Ball -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 21:25:55 07/27/01 Fri
Author: Dr. Robert Swann, Harvard School of Linguistics
Subject: The Pace II Dialect and the Pace Booger Ball
In reply to: Leo P�tsch 's message, "Interesting speech, Mr. Pace" on 13:27:23 07/27/01 Fri

Pace II was identified in 1999 as a distinctive American dialect unique to an inbred family of Christian fundamentalists in a small Appalachian hamlet. We have sent field researchers to study the dialect and they have all met tragic deaths and/or sexual rape and battery at the hands of these surly mountain people.

Our last researcher, a young graduate student named Dean Nixon, was found dead inside of an appalling mucousal accretion the Pace Clan calls its "booger ball."
The Pace booger ball -- and this is truly astonishing -- has a fifteen foot circumference and is reportedly over 200 years old, thus representing the nasal contributions of sixteen generations of the inbred Pace Clan.

We at Harvard want to charge the Pace Clan in young Nixon's death, but so far no law enforcement agencies are willing to seize the booger ball as evidence owing to the fact that the initial six law enforcement agents on the case who came into contact with the booger ball while removing Nixon's body -- moonsuited as they were -- all died from an unknown strain of influenza to which the Pace Clan is immune.
Virologists ordered those bodies burned and will not go anywhere near the deadly booger ball, which incidentally has now been classed as a biological weapon by the BATF and the Pentagon.

Despite this designation, no BATF agents will go near the booger ball to either seize or destroy it. The booger ball was semi-destroyed when Nixon's body was removed, but the Pace Clan, in what researchers first thought was a communal act of ancestor worship, induced hacking colds in themselves by licking blue algae from swamps in order to produce sufficient mucuos to repair the structural integrity of the booger ball.

A U2 photo taken last month showed the intact booger ball to be perched atop what appears to be a crude throne in the center of the Pace Compound. It seems that in addition to their strange dialect, the Pace Clan are a people possessed of equally strange fetishes!

Saddam Hussein has reportedly sent agents to the Pace Compound in an attempt to either steal or purchase the booger ball. Sources report that the Iraqi dictator hopes to come into possession of the booger ball as a terror weapon which he would slice into small pieces (Saddam reportedly called it the "Hope Diamond" of booger balls) to place into warheads and shoot on missiles into neighboring countries in hopes of starting mass contagion.

A recent spy satellite photo from the NSA shows the booger ball in the middle of Pace Compound and what appears to be dead PLO agents surrounding it. Did PLO Chairman Yassar Arafat attempt unsuccessfully to steal the booger ball in an effort to get it before Saddam? And what should the US be doing to destroy this menace? God forbid that the Pace Clan should load it onto one of their vehicles and drive it into Washington DC! Pentagon sources say that the only possible defense the US has would be to hire the same people Congressman Gary Condit used and have them make the booger ball "disappear quicker than a troublesome intern."

A higher resolution spy photo taken last week shows what appears to a human hand sticking out of the booger ball. As Nixon's body was removed intact, the hand is thought to be that of E. Bobby Looper, a missing teenager. Looper's disappearance eerily coincides with the recent Pace frenzy to reconstruct the booger ball. Local law enforcement suspects that E. Bobby Looper may have met foul play at the hands of the Pace Clan due to his romantic involvement with Penny Pace, a busty fourteen year old vixen. It is theorized that Looper's body may have been entombed in the booger ball because the Pace's know that police will not search that dangerous object.

I wouldn't! And certainly not for the likes of E. Bobby Looper!

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