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Date Posted: May 19, 06:29:pm GMT-5
Author: Sizzler
Subject: Advice Column For The Religeously Impaired

Ask Satan!

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Satan,
hmmm, well......gosh. I dunno! Is Satan catholic? That's rhetorical. Uh, do I get another? Is science evil? I was taught that it has ghost-like properties.

Bob.

Hi Bob,

First off, let me say that YOU ARE DOOMED! Great questions. No, I'm not catholic but they have done some great work for me in the past. The Inquisition in particular was fun. The Pope is down here now trying to explain why that was a "Good" thing. Tee hee. I think I'll let him writhe in the Lake of Fire for a bit just for fun. Your second question is a bit more complex. Is science evil? Not particularly, however it can be used for evil. Wow. Did you know that if you give a person a lobotomy and then start sending electric shocks to their brain they start to develop epilepsy? No? Well, it's really quite fascinating.

Oh, and science does not have ghost like qualities. You must have been smoking crack to come up with that analysis.

May goblins feast on your buttocks,

Beelzebub.

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Satan,
r u my real father????
MASTERRRRRRRRR
and.....will Liz Nielsen go out with me???
MMMMMMMMMASTER (sorry...got the hershey squirts!!!)
Love,
Jill Roettinger

Jill,

First off, let me say, you are Doomed! Well, from a certain point of view I'm everyone's father. You see, western society has ceased to serve god (the father...) and work relentlessly to serve me, Beelzebub. So in a sense I have replaced that foolish deity as the father of humanity. Kind of like a step-father, if you will. That's right. I like that. I think you've been my favorite questing mortal yet. I like the master bit as well.

As to your second question, who cares if she goes out with you so long as you get to fuck her. Dating is a pathetic waste of time. Go to parties, get lit and strip for anyone who looks at you sideways. Then even if Liz isn't the one you rut with you still get to have a fab time.

May your soul shred under the chains of apathy.

Satan.

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Satan,
How can I get free brochures on how to become an official demon of hell?
Obediently yours,
Josh

Josh,

Thanks for writing and let me first say, YOU ARE DOOMED. With that aside, it is rather easy to obtain information on how to join our infernal organization. First you must send us the soul of one of your closest friends or relatives (unmarried sisters are the best). Secondly, respond to this email with your credit card number, expiration date and the name on the card and we'll do the rest. Remember, only you can corrupt the innocent.

May boils forever cover your prostate.

Beelzebub.

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dearest Sizzly One,

When driving down our streets these days, i can't help but notice the overabundance of these Jack-in-the-box "antenna balls". Though i find them mildly annoying, i must admit that i too, in a moment of weakness, purchased one. The "antenna ball" phenomenon, in my opinion, is rising to cult-like status. I can't help but conclude that you have something to do with this whole antenna ball deal. Is it true? Where do you fit into this whole "jumbo jack with cheese but no tacos, they give me the runs" picture?

Yours eternally,
Larson "juicy for the camera" Barkley

Larson,

You little sex fiend! How's it going? You must truly be intuned with the evil all about you to have recognized my insidious plot. Hmmmm... I'd probably put money on the fact that you, yourself happen to be... EVIL!

I use those antenna balls to insight road rage. Pay attention and the next time you read a story about how someone killed another person or what ever due to road rage, look for the little jack ball. .

May your Jumbo Jack have extra Jack Sauce,
The Sizzly One.

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Satan,

Is it true that rhubarb is the fruit of Satan? What is rhubarb and where does it come from and why do we make pies from it?

Maus.

Maus,

Thanks so much for the question and may I just say, You are DOOMED!!!! Rhubarb is indeed the fruit of Satan, you must be well versed in Satanic lore to be aware of such a little known tidbit of information. Rhubarb is made from the negative emotions of people on Earth. You may have noticed how bitter it is when you bite into it, now you know why. Rhubarb does not grow from seeds like other plants but it grows straight up from Hell. Pies are made from this infernal fruit because Christians do not know any better. It is all part of my master plan to take over the world. Pretty clever, huh?

May your youngest child aspire to be a Spice Girl,
The Sizzly One.

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Satan,

I want a married man. How can I make him commit adultery?

Love,
Jenn

Jenn,

Thanks so much for the question and may I just say, you are DOOMED!!! Oh, this one is too easy! Have him run for public office!

May a thousand monkeys wank off in your panties,
The Sizzly One.

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Satan,

Why, oh why, is there such pain in my heart?

Your eternal servant,
Rommella

Rommella,

Thanks so much for the question and may I just say, you are DOOMED!!! Well, obviously the answer is that you are eating way too much cholesterol. Your poor heart is getting plugged up with all the crap you're eating. You need to eat more green leafy vegetables and drink a glass of red wine with dinner. That should fix you right up.

May your earwax turn highly corrosive,
The Sizzly One.

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Satan,

I'M BAAAAACK!!! Aren't you glad? Anyway...my next question is...(drum roll)....have you ever given thought to breeding prize-winning baby rhinos or baby platypi (plural of platypus)???

As Always,
Ezzie Valdez

Ezzie,

Of course I'm glad you've returned to Ask Satan. You and your whole family are always welcome in Hell. To tell you the truth, I've never given it much thought. I wasn't even aware that there were prizes to be awarded to rhinos or platypi. Wow. I have been working on a new breed of platypi that has razor sharp teeth and likes the taste of human flesh. I've been trying to breed them with wolverines but without much success. The wolverines keep eating the platypi or the resulting offspring look entirely too silly. Take my word for it...

May maggots infest your Fruit Loops,
The Sizzly One.

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