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Date Posted: 04:01:53 07/10/02 Wed
Author: Pantera
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 210.48.142.47
Subject: TOTALly Pantera

Last Thursday Pantera won her three-way match with the King of Understatement RMC and the illegimate cousin of the Chicken Raper himself, Sean Sanders. She got in the road of Keyser Sozae in the process, but still got the 'W' in the column that mattered. And now...now she has her chance to join the Eight that Remain in the running for the UWF's ultimate prize, the UWF World Title. All she has to do is get past the behemoth that calls himself TOTAL....

The scene opens on the backstage area of UWF Headquarters, where Pantera is busily packing up a travel bag to get to the arena on time. She's dressed in her travel gear (not her bike riding gear guys, sorry...) of black leather pants, leather jacket and boots, and a white cropped t-shirt with the words 'TOTAL: Man or Eating Disorder?' on it. Her sunglasses are pushed up into her thick hair, which is being worn loosely today. The camera approaches her as she finishes packing the bag and turns, almost running into it.

Pantera: Hey there. You gotta watch where you're going....this isn't WWE....Vince would have this set up in advance...so I'd look surprised or something, right?

She chuckles and slings the bag over one shoulder, motioning the cameraman to follow her as she makes her way out of the building.

Pantera: I know....I have to say some words about my World Title tournament match with TOTAL on Thursday. Now normally, I'd emulate someone like Stupac, who gets his press conferences together, wears his Superman t-shirts and generally makes good tv when he appears. I'm not going to deny the man's charisma. It's what's made him who he is today. But I'm a little more rough around the edges, depending on who you talk to about me, of course.

She grins again and the camera slows down a little, showing off a definite shaking of her rear as she walks. Another gesture with her hand and the cameraman catches up again.

Pantera: So what can I tell you about TOTAL in a dozen insulting catchphrases or less? Well, for one thing, we've met in the ring before, and let me tell you that TOTAL is not total in the ring. Okay sure, he makes working hell, trying to balance out the ring when he steps in it, but he's not what you'd call the technician, you know? I mean like....

She pauses and gestures over to the main training ring in UWF, at this point empty and currently being used as storage for extra ring equipment.

Pantera:...like over there. TOTAL is a metaphor for ringside props. Lots of presence in the ring, but none of it adds up to anything. If he and the Big Show made a tag team, they'd have to call them the Masters of Bland or something. Or have them work with each other, just to balance the ring out. You get the idea.

She makes the same hand gesture again and we're off walking again, winding their way out through the backstage area of the arena and past all the pallettes and making their way to a door clearly marked as the exit. She pauses once more, looking around.

Pantera: Now here's another metaphor for TOTAL. He's the sort of guy you use for visual effect, but in the end, he's pretty much dead weight. Okay, except for the bags of popcorn. Only Al Snow is allowed to sell a shot with a popcorn bag. Let that be a lesson to all the up and coming wrestlers out there.

Without warning, she turns and heads out the exit, and the camera hurriedly follows. A taxi is waiting, and she opens the back door, throwing her travel bag in and from off-camera, a couple of guys load up two small suitcases into the trunk. She gets halfway into the taxi as she talks to the driver and the trunk is closed before looking back to the camera.

Pantera: Oh right. A catchy punchline or tag to end the segment. Okay....TOTAL....you're....uhmm...no, wait...I'll get it...you're...ahmmm....no, let's try....TOTAL. You're...see what I mean? All I know is I'm getting in that ring Thursday and people will see what the Cutting Edge of wrestling is all about. Okay, it's the best I've got. Now I've got a plane to catch.....

She quickly closes the door and starts heading off quickly in the cab. The window suddenly comes down and her head appears.

Pantera: (shouting) WILL I BE UWF CHAMPION? OH HELL YEAH!!

The window winds up again and the scene fades to black.....

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