The Reckoning� Part I (Only Skylar Thomas may understand�) Featuring: Trisha VanReardon -- Gladiator Wrestling Alliance

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Date Posted: 10:35:00 10/15/00 Sun
Author: Stacey Lynn Jordan
Subject: The Reckoning� Part I (Only Skylar Thomas may understand�) Featuring: Trisha VanReardon

�The Death of Innocence and Compassion��

�We are all merely the sum of our life experiences� some of us are more clearly defined than others. But if you could take a step back to a defining moment in time and change something� no matter how minor or intangible� would you do it? Would you trade away your once chance at happiness� surrender your innocence� wipe away your compassion all to change at past you loathed?�

10:00 PM� 12 October, 2000
Somewhere in western New Mexico�

Stacey drove from sun up till sun down, paying little or no attention to the time or much else for that matter. She had driven her car out of Houston after Insurrection and not looked back or even bothered to tell anyone where she was headed. She supposed that some people would consider this to be freedom of a sort. A fast car� a pocket full of money� and no one to answer to. Stacey smiled inwardly� children thought that way, not grown men and women. At her age, she had responsibilities� �adult� things that required a person to be at a certain place at a certain time. And though she was not really expected until next Insurrection� Cat was not one to let anyone in her employ stray too far from the fold without at least having an idea where they were. Stacey put on her sunshades and turned up the radio. The thought of being as free spirited as The OutLaw wasn�t altogether unappealing� though the whole �V� crotch chop thing escaped her�

9:05 PM� 13 October, 2000
Somewhere�

The states had passed by as Stacey drove on aimlessly, paying little or no attention to anyone or anything� at least until one of those annoying �adult� problems crept it�s way into her artificial calm. The engine of her car sputtered and she was suddenly keenly aware that she had completely zoned out during her drive. The radio was blaring with nothing but static and the gas tank was completely empty as the engine coughed and choked� dying out as the remaining fumes in the tank evaporated. Stacey frowned as she looked down at the gage. Stacey looked around as it suddenly hit her that she was completely lost in the middle of no-where. Stacey angled the car off to the side of the road and turned on the flashers. After another short-lived bout of cursing under her breath, she pulled out her cell phone and started to dial her auto service� but the battery was completely dead. Stacey leaned back in the seat and shook her head, cursing herself now for being so caught up in the moment and not paying attention to the more important matter of gasoline and directions. Stacey shook her head as she chuckled�

Stacey: That�s really great! I bet The OutLaw runs out of gas all the time when he goes off on his own and tells the world to f*ck off�

Stacey continued to laugh as she hopped out of her car and locked the doors. As she looked around she had to raise her sunshades to see anything around her at all. Apparently she had managed to drive from dawn till dusk without noticing a thing. She had no clue where she was now� nothing looked even remotely familiar. Rolling hills covered with masses of thick green pine trees, with only a single road running along it all. The skies were black as pitch and there were no lights to speak of at all� only the moon which shown like a beacon in the sky as thick clouds threatened to blot it out. Stacey slammed the car door after grabbing her leather coat from the back seat. She would have to walk the rest of the way out of this God-forsaken place� and there was no guarantee that she�d even find a single person anywhere near here. Stacey sighed as she set off. Others might have waited by the roadside� hoping for a passing motorist to stop� but Stacey had no such illusions or inclinations. She knew without really knowing at all that this was what was meant to happen�

The hours passed� and still there was no sign of anyone. Of course this came as no surprise at all. In time she came to the outskirts of a small town. Stacey frowned� even though it was pitch dark in the town� the place still seemed familiar. A chill ran down her spine and she shivered. She pulled the collar of her coat up over her neck to ward off the cold� but there was no cold to ward off. Stacey shrugged it off and headed into the town. Her steps grew more and more hurried as she worked her way through the darkened town. Slowly� surely, memories began to flood back as she passed familiar places�

McGrealy�s Ice Cream parlor� she had gone there and gorged herself on rocky road until she thought she would die� or explode. She was six� and she never again could bring herself to eat another spoonful of ice cream. Stacey touched her arm absently through the cool leather of her coat. Just beneath it lay a tiny scar� hardly noticeable now. When she was seven her brother, Adrian, had chased her around the house with a spoon in one hand and a bowl of vanilla ice cream in the other. Stacey had been terrified� the memories of the incident at McGrealy�s was clearly etched in her mind, and she had no desire for more projectile vomiting. Stacey had been running at a dead sprint, her eyes filled with tears as she plunged through the screen door and tumbled down the steps. She remembered laying on the ground staring up at Adrian as he tried to grab her. She had screamed bloody murder as she watched the ice cream fall from his hand and hit the ground. She had did her best to get away from him� knowing that he had meant to make her eat it all the same. But he had wrestled her to the ground and held her there to calm her. What Stacey hadn�t noticed at the time were the skinned knees and the four-inch shard of glass sticking out of her arm. He had rushed her to the hospital for treatment. But the hospital was really more of a clinic than anything�

Stacey looked up and there was the town hospital� as if she had willed it to be there. She hadn�t been an accident-prone child� but she found herself in the clinic more than her fair share of times. The little �ice cream run� as she and her brother had called it, had cost her quite a few stitches, but there would be other injuries� and not all of them physical. She had been fourteen� no older� this was where she experienced her first serious lesson in human fallacy. This was also where she soon came to realize that boys were jerks. His name was Ricky Mayberry� and Stacey had falling madly in love with him� at least as in love as one can get at that age. He was the new kid in town� which made him all the more attractive to her. He lacked the �small town mentality� that prevailed in far too many of the other boys who spent more time playing with action figures and watching �He-Man and The Masters of The Universe� than focusing on what really mattered. Ricky was serious� or so he seemed. He was polite� he was handsome� and he was smart. The complete package in a budding sixteen year old. They had gravitated to one another� birds of a feather and all that. But in time� things seemed to become more and more serious. At that age you could tell by looking in a girl�s notebook. Drawings of hearts enclosed his and her names� and there would be the age-old name experimentation game. There were at least three solid pages of �Stacey Mayberry� written in varying forms of script. All was well� at least until turned a bit too serious� a bit too quickly. He had walked her home from school one day� and as they had passed the hospital the two had stopped to talk about he events of the day. Who liked whom in school� who was taking this person to the dance� so on and so forth. She didn�t remember how it had started� but it had. Talk of others had turned to talk of them� and talk of them had turned to the age-old question� �We are we gonna do it.� Such a silly term� but at the age� it was the most serious phrase of all. Stacey had been opposed to being physical with anyone� it was not her time, and though she had planned on marrying this person, a juvenile thought at the time, but her thought nonetheless, she had no intention of taking it to that level. Stacey�s displeasure and awkwardness over the entire situation had angered Ricky, and while he continued to say he was fine with the situation� he wasn�t fine with it at all. Ricky had walked off in a huff as he �went to clear his mind� however� hindsight being twenty/twenty� there was a method to his madness. Stacey had followed him, trying to explain� but when she caught up with him, he was in tears� in a well-secluded area behind the clinic. He had gone on and on about how much he loved her and how this is the way he wanted her to prove her love for him. Strange now� as she recalled he had never said that he loved her before this very moment, while she said it effortlessly� anytime and anywhere. Stacey�s resolve had been worn paper-thin� and soon� she brought into the story. She had promised him that they would �consummate� the relationship, but she had no idea that he meant right at the very moment. Ricky had seemed to sprout more hands than anyone could fine collectively within the confines of nearest watch repair shop. Stacey was utterly shocked with the idea of losing her virginity in some darkened corner behind the local clinic. This was worst than screwing in the back seat of some broken down Ford on Lover�s Lane. Stacey tried to gently push him away, but the heat of the moment was working it�s magic on him, and he heard nothing more than what he wanted to hear. His hands on her buttocks and underneath her shirt� his heavy breathing� and all of this before the �so-called moment of truth!� Stacey moved to push his hands away and as she grabbed one, the other sought out an even more sensitive and private area. Stacey suddenly became keenly aware of eyes on them� not just one pair� but several� say the entire complement of the school�s basketball team? Stacey tried to tell Ricky, but he continued on as if she had said a word, and when she became more insistent and borderline hysterical� he had revealed the truth to her. Ricky turned her, so that the other boys couldn�t see him talking to her. He whispered in her ear that this was his imitation into fold. Other boys on the team had done this very thing with their girlfriends in order to be accepted. Stacey was in shock� and in her silence he imparted even more. He had convinced himself that doing this act would not only boost his social standing, but her own as well. They would be just like the other kids� but he failed to realize that this was what she cherished the most about him� and herself. When she tried to leave, he grabbed her roughly and forced her back� not wanting to look bad in front of his new friends. Stacey�s knee had found his groin as she managed to get away from him. She retreated home� and didn�t venture out for a week. Ricky had tried to call her a few times� but not very many in the scheme of things. Adrian brought her schoolwork home for her, and she avoided the question of why she didn�t want to go back to there. After a week� she returned to school� the word had spread and she was branded as a outcast. Ricky was part of the �in-crowd� now. She would later find out that Ricky had managed to screw one of her more willing classmates under the bleachers during lunchtime not even three days after the incident with her. Stacey never trusted another boy with her affections again� even after Adrian found out and beat him so badly that he missed the rest of the basketball season. Even though Adrian had made life at school bearable for her� given the choice� she would have traded her virginity to be rid of the infuriating principles that had led to her utter humiliation...

Stacey stopped in her tracks� she stood in front of her old house. She looked around at the rest of the houses on the block. They were all totally empty� no sign of anyone inside any of them. Stacey looked back to her house� a single light shown in the upstairs window� the only light in the town at all. It was like a beacon as it called to her� drawing her in� attracting her like a moth to a flame. Stacey walked past he place where she had falling during the dreaded �Ice Cream Run.� She touched her arm again as she looked up at the window. Once she entered the house� she would be taking a step back into a world she had left far behind� so far behind that it seemed as if she had never really lived in that world at all. Stacey walked up the steps and reached for the doorbell� but the audiable click of the door lock caught her attention as the door opened a few inches as if by a light breeze. Stacey pushed the door open and stepped inside. As she crossed the doorway she gasped as she felt a weight lifted from her. There was no shock in what she saw� everything was in its place as it had always been. What she felt was like loss� but not a loss that particularly saddened her. A part of her had fled in the instant she entered the house. Stacey stood there and tried to reconcile the change. It was odd� as if all the things about herself she now worked so hard to hide from others were now no longer a part of her. The compassion� the innocence� all gone� as if it were never a part of her� a part of who she had become�

Stacey narrowed her eyes as she looked around the house. Her sea-green eyes flicked upward as the light shined from the room caught her attention. Stacey took a deep breath as she moved up the stairs and stopped in front of her bedroom door. Stacey stood at the door for a moment� then her hand touched the cold wood as she pushed the door open. The room was just as she remembered it� when she was seven years old� only a lot smaller. Stacey froze as she noticed the tiny figure in her bed� her eyes locked on the small child, the child she had been so many years ago. The little girl smiled at Stacey and waved for her to come inside. As Stacey started to speak, the girl put a tiny finger to her lips and gestured for her to come into the room. As Stacey stepped through the door, the little girl bounded out of the bed and closed the door behind her. The little girl looked at Stacey with bright sea-green eyes, much like her own� as they would one day come to be. The girl smiled at Stacey�

Little Girl: You have to keep your voice down� it�s late you know.

Stacey looked down at the little girl and put her hands on her hips as she cocked her head to the side�

Stacey: Then why aren�t you in bed?

The girl smiled�

Little Girl: I was waiting for you� I have something that belongs to you� something you have to take back.

The girl got down on her hands and knees and reached under the bed. As Stacey heard the sound of the ceramic bowl being dragged across the wooden floor she instantly knew what the girl had for her. As the girl held the bowl of ice cream out to her, Stacey involuntarily took a step back�

Little Girl: This is yours� you lost it� I brought you here to give it back.

Stacey swallowed, then smirked at he girl�

Stacey: You called me hear to give me ice cream?

The girl giggled as silently as she could as she shook her head�

Little Girl: Of course not silly! You know what this is� it�s part of you. It�s the part of me that you left behind� the part of us that you need.

Stacey looked at the bowl, it looked like ice cream, and it smelled like ice cream� but it wasn�t ice cream. Stacey thought back to the moment she stepped into the house. The moment that she walked into the house she felt it leave her. All those things forgotten in an instant� innocence and compassion. Stacey stood up and raised an eyebrow�

Stacey: And what if I said that I didn�t want it?

The little girl�s expression faltered as she contemplated Stacey�s question. The girl looked down at the bowl, then back up at Stacey�

Little Girl: Then it�ll curdle� it�ll spoil� it�ll go bad. I don�t think we want that. With out it� how can we feel? We�d be cold and heartless� what reason would we have to go on?

Stacey paused as the words resounded inside her head. Being cold and heartless wasn�t unappealing� it had it�s advantages. It was hard to hurt someone who felt nothing. There was nothing more appealing to her than that. Stacey could remember nothing else� the betrayal by Mei Himagaji� the sexual assault on her by the doctor� the calls of �Crack Wh*re� by the fans after her addiction to pain killers came to light� the way Kris Craven and Kenny Rock has abandoned her when she needed them the most. The story was the same� only she no longer felt the haplessness� she no longer felt bitter or even sorry for herself. She felt� nothing. Stacey looked down at the bowl and stood up and walked past the girl as she stood at the window looking out over the darkened town�

Stacey: Do you know how long it�s been since I�ve been able to think about my past without getting angry at myself or even sick to my stomach? A long time little one� a very long time. So you�ll have to forgive me if I don�t have any desire to go back to feeling that way.

The girl looked down at the bowl as the ice cream had already began to melt. She put it down on the bed and looked at it longingly before she turned to Stacey, a bit of urgency etched into her face as she looked at Stacey�

Little Girl: You think it�s a good thing to feel nothing? How can you live like that? How can you enjoy all that life has to offer if you wander through it blindly� cold and unfeeling?

A flash of anger took Stacey as she wheeled around so quickly that her long springy locks of hair whipped around her head like an ebony tornado. Stacey�s green eyes shown through her coal black hair as she went face to face with juvenile version of herself�

Stacey: Who are you to preach to me about enjoying life? I�ve got goddamn gold fish that have been alive longer than you have! You haven�t walked a mile in my shoes� at least not yet!

Stacey grabbed the bowl of ice cream and tossed it across the room and it exploded like a bomb. The girl�s eyes grew wide as she watched the contents of the bowl drip down the wall and onto the floor. Stacey grabbed her by her face and turned her roughly towards her as she stared in her eyes�

Stacey: I would save you that pain! All of the evil things that will happen to you� all the people who would stop at nothing just to hurt you. Don�t you think it�s a good thing? Who wants to be unhappy? I�d rather feel nothing� nothing at all!

The little girl shook her head�

Little Girl: You don�t understand� you don�t get it! These are the things that define who you are� these are the things that make you who you are� and who I�ll become! Would you rob me of the chance to be me? Destroy my future to wipe away your past! I�ll tell you this� half a life lived poorly is better than none at all!

Stacey stared the little girl that was her. So wise beyond her years� and yet so filled with hope and the thought that everything would eventually work itself out for the better. Stacey smirked� the idea was totally pathetic. Stacey stood up and looked down the little girl�

Stacey: You had your chance� I carried your burden for years. Smiling when I had no reason to. Trying to excite a crowd that only wanted to see my breasts or better yet my blood. Everything good in life� I missed out on because of you� because of you! So forgive me if I don�t shed a tear because you�re gone� baby� we�re better off without each other anyway!

Stacey got up and walked out the door. She glanced back and saw the little girl sobbing as she bent over the quickly melting ice cream. With each second she faded more and more. No doubt she would be gone the instant the ice cream was gone� and suddenly Stacey wished for nothing more than a sudden heat wave. Stacey closed the door and walked down the stairs and out the front door. She glanced over her shoulder at the window above. The light was dim now� no longer inviting� now it was more repulsive than anything else. Stacey turned her back and walked away. She was a new person now� someone more ready to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Skylar Thomas loomed in her future� but she had not yet finished dealing with her past. Stacey saw yet another light� one she had not noticed before. The light shown from behind the hospital. It was a bright as the light from her room had been� and just as inviting. Stacey took a deep breath and walked towards the light. Skylar Thomas could wait a while longer� but not too long� not too much longer at all�

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