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Date Posted: 03:18:22 10/21/00 Sat
Author: CEO Chad O. Runner
Subject: One More Time, One More Time, AH, I need a beer.





[One more match....One more match...One more match...Is what they all chant. Who is they you may ask? Well F*CK you for asking. They are all the people that cheer for Chad O. Runner, or maybe that’s the wind, but damn it people like him! And Runner won’t let his fans down when they ask for one more match...unless he feels like it. So Runner is back to fight one more match at the GWA Pay Per View: Paradise Lost. It’s going to be crazy, it’s going to be wild, it’s going to be a hankin’ spankin’ Sri Lanken’ ol’ time.]



[We are in the middle of the jungle. A monkey swoops along a vine over head. Toucans be heard following their nose and tigers can be heard yelling “There Grrrreat!” hey it’s my damn scene and I can do whatever I damn well please with it. Runner stands in the middle of an opening in the trees. He sits on a log in a torn up Taco Bell shirt and torn up black pants. His mouth is turn in a growl. He does not look pleased.]

Runner: Just follow your nose. Just follow your nose. Just following your FUCKING nose. Well I did follow my nose you fuckin TOUCAN! And look where it got me? I’m in the middle of the jungle. Thanks a lot Toucan SAM! You BASTARD! And it’s not GRRRREAT you stupid tiger. It’s F’N CRRRRRRAPPY! Now why don’t you two just follow your noses and get the fuck out of here? Stupid farm animals. I ought to Yo Quiero 1-2-3 both your asses. But that would involve movement, which is something I am not prepared to do.

[The tiger and toucan scurry off into the jungle in an orgasmic manner. Runner just sits there.]

Runner: Great I come here to this rat infested island in the South Asia Sea where pirates usually store dead bodies, just hoping to get a few days relaxation before I have to go back to work at GWA and what do I get? Not rest that’s for sure! I get some damn bird rattling off riddles and getting me lost! Just my luck. Especially since I am supposed to give the fans what they truly wanted from me....one last match...and against Lost Worlds of all people. The man who has never beat me, but runs his mouth like he has. May I remind you Mr. Worlds that I have beat you twice and you have NEVER beat me. May I remind you that I can kick your ass any day of the week. May I remind you that I’m TALKING TO NOBODY! WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING? I THINK I’VE LOST MY MIND. And those pirates over there don’t look like they are wanting to hold a fiesta...

[3 angry pirates come walking up to Runner who is still sitting in the same spot. They all have swords drawn and have patches over their eyes.]

Pirate #1: Hoy there. Give us all your valuables and/or hydrogen bombs...but valuables would be just fine.

Runner: Who the hell are you guys?

Pirate #2: We are the Bohemian Underworld Maritimer Pirates. You may initialize the first three words for easier acknowledgement. (Think about it) ]

Runner: I hope by valuables you didn’t mean anal sex....

Pirate #3: NO! We just want your money or items which can be exchange for such a commodity.

Runner: You guys all have patches over your eyes don’t you?

All pirates: Yes.

Runner: Was that just one giant coincidence? I mean how easy is it to lose an eye? Really? I mean what, were your eyes like 3 meters across. Or is it just the “Pirate Chic”?

Pirate #1: That is none of your business.

Runner: By none of your business do you actually mean you stabbed each others eyes out in a heated orgy?

Pirate #1: WHAT?! WELL I’LL BE...WHY YOU......yes.

[Runner quinces.]

Runner: Well having only one eye really screws up your depth perception eh?

Pirate #1: Well yes it does unfortunately. But, hey, that’s beside the point. Now give us your money.

Runner: Wait a second. I’ll give you all my money if you do one thing for me just so I gain a better knowledge of how your one eye effects your vision.

Pirate #1: Fine.

Runner: Alright. Just look at that palm tree behind you and tell me how far away you think it is.

Pirate #1: Well I’d say that it’s about---

Runner: YOINK!

[As the pirates are turned Runner takes off in the other direction leaving the pirates in his track. Eventually Runner ends up at the other side of the island on a sandy beach. A cruise ship is floating not far off land. Runner tries his luck and swims out to it. Luckily the captain spots him and Runner is taken aboard. Unfortunately it is a cruise for the obese.]

Runner: What is this? The Love HANDLES Boat? Well if there is one good thing that will come out of this is that there will be lots of food!.

[The Captain who took Runner aboard looks at him and smirks.]

Captain: You followed the Toucan didn’t you?

Runner: Yeah.

Captain: That little bastard has been getting everyone lately. But anyway, welcome aboard the Butter Princess. We can give you a room until our next stop in the port of New Delhi.

Runner: Alright. Sounds good. Thank you. Where is my room?

Captian: Room 69.

[Runner breaks into laughter.]

Runner: HAHAHAHAHA!! 69!! HAHAHAHA!! As in the SEXUAL POSITION!

[The captain stairs blankly.]

Captain: Yes. It is one of my wife’s favorites.......the room that is.

[Eventually Runner calms down enough to take the key from the Captain. Runner walks to the door of his room he opens the key and it OPENS! An amazing turn of events! Runner sits down on his bed.]

Runner: Great, I’m going to New Delhi. That’s about a MILLION miles away from where I want to be for the Pay Per View. that would be TERRIBLE if Lost Worlds won by default on what is supposed to be my grand return to the ring. NO. I have to get back. But how? I have no money. The damn Toucan stole my wallet along with my dignity. But alas I will succeed.

[The cruise ship docks in New Delhi and there is a slight rumbling as the fat passengers exit the boat. Runner exits the boat and heads straight for the nearest Taco Bell. OF COURSE they have Taco Bell in New Delhi. Runner walks into the Taco Bell and up to the cashier.]

Runner: TWO chalupas please.

Cashier: Punjabi Ooga Booga Buddha.

Runner: TWO CHALUPAS!!

[The cashier stares blankly at Runner. He obviously doesn’t understand English. Runner gets annoyed and picks him up onto his shoulder and falls sideways thus driving his neck into the counter. Runner walks up and grabs two chalupas.]

Runner: Punjab THAT.

[Runner eats his chalupa all the while thinking of how he is going to get back home so he can pack and fight Lost Worlds in Transylvania.]

Runner: How am I going to get back to Vancouver? Maybe I’ll just follow my nose....OH NO! I’m not going for that again.......I KNOW!!...

[The scene fades and re-opens inside the airport. Runner walks up to the ticket lady.]

Ticket Lady: Ticket please.

Runner: I’ll suck your tits if I can fly for free.

[The scene fades and re-opens once again in the same Taco Bell.]

Runner: Well that didn’t work. How am I going to get out of this HELL HOLE THAT IS NEW DELHI!!

[A gang of East Indians hears this negative comment towards their country and starts walking towards Runner.]

Runner: First pirates, now angry Punjabs, what’s next a Punjab pirate!

[Just as Runner says this a Punjab pirate who was walking outside hears him. He hangs his head low.]

Punjab Pirate: Oy....I’m always spoken poorly of.

[Nevertheless the gang of three Punjabs walks towards Runner.]

Runner: What do you guys want? Money, Rice, a nice flute?

Punjab #1: [He speaks with an Indian accent.] We heard your comments towards our country. We lay the snaketh down on you.

[All three Indians go into a bizarre dance. There arms are like tree branches and one of them is climbing on the others. They are singing something that sounded like “oooh aah oooh eeeeh yayana! Climb the treeeee, climb the treeee, climb the treeeeeaaaaa.]

Runner: What the hell are you guys doing?

Punjabs: We are the Mighty Morphin Power Punjabs!

Punjab #1: Turbanisaraus Rex!

Punjab #2: RedDotadactyl

Punjab #3: COW!

[Runner just gets up and leaves. The Punjabs continue their dance in the restaurant and don’t even see him leaving. Runner walks down the dirt road.]

Runner: What am I going to do? I can’t miss my match...What was I thinking? I’ll call Donny and get him to fly the private jet over here to pick me up! That’s it!

[Runner goes to a pay phone and dials Donny Malicotti’s cell phone.]

Runner: DONNY! This is Runner.

Donny: Hey Chad O. How are things?

Runner: Not good, I’m stuck in New Delhi. I need the jet.

Donny: New Delhi? How the hell?

Runner: Long story...just send the jet.

Donny: Alright, Runner it is on it’s way.

[Eventually the jet arrived and Runner returned home. But when he was home he couldn’t shake the startling journey he had just been on. The toucan still haunted him in his dreams with the three words “Follow Your Nose”. But in one of the dreams Runner tore the beak off the toucan and proceeded to Yo Quiero 1-2-3 it into the ground. That damn bird won’t bug anyone anymore. And the pirates...let’s just say Runner always looks behind him...you know...just in case. And the Punjab gang? Well they are still dancing. I think the Taco Bell closed, but Punjabs are still there dancing away. Maybe one day they will finally realize that Runner tied their shoelaces together.]



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