| Subject: jokes |
Author:
XYZWerty
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Date Posted: 05:31:01 07/07/02 Sun
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
I love Yo Mama jokes. ^_^
Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy!"
Yo Mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.
Yo Mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Yo Mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra.
Yo Mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry.
Yo Mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittles fell out.
Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't know whether she's walking or rolling.
Yo Mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Yo Mama's so fat, she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
Yo Mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H ...D.
Yo Mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the TV, you miss 5 minutes of your show.
Yo Mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, people walked by and said "Look at the elephant!"
Yo Mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Yo Mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps.
Yo Mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo Mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: Extra Large, Jumbo, and Oh-My-God-It's-Coming-Towards-Us!
Yo Mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.
Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo Mama's so fat, she made Weight Watchers go blind.
Yo Mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone.
Yo Mama's so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo Mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They fall through the holes in his hands!
What was the last thing Jesus said as he died on the cross?
Sister, will you go get my flats?? These damn spikes are jusssttt killing me!
Ok, a little bit of everything to offend everybody :)
1. There was a blond, a redhead, a brunette and a man on an island and they wanted to get out. The blond started swimming, swam for about 10 miles, got within 200 feet of the shore and then said: "I am too tired to make it" so she swam back to the island. The redhead and the brunette cut down trees, made a boat and sailed to land. The man after sunbathing for a while got bored, wore his sandals and just walked over the bridge to land!!
Attention racial jokes:
1. What did the black kid get for christmas? -My bike
2. What do you say to a black man in a suit?
-The defendant may now rise.
3. A Mexican, a Columbian and a black guy are in a car. Who is driving?
-The cop.
4. What are the hardest 4 years in a Canadian's life?
-Second Grade.
Yo Mama Jokes:
1. Yo Mama is so fat, when her shadow falls on a bed, it breaks.
2. Yo Mama is so blind when she looks in a map she sees people waving.
3. Yo Mama is so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail-order.
4. Yo Mama is so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
5. Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
And Finally as a way to give back to the community I will even give you a guide to flame if you ever wish to do so.
Are you a flamer? This handy dandy form will save you some time in writing you flame to that special someone.
Begin flame:
Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] Retard
[ ] Me too'er [ ] Pervert [ ] Loser
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Flamebait
[ ] Other (please specify): _______________
You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You sent me a stupid chain letter
[ ] You posted a message concerning a pyramid scheme
[ ] You posted a "test" in a news group other than alt.test
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You posted something completely off-topic
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You said "me too" to something
[ ] You don't know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a fed
To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Shout "GO RIDE" a thousand times in a packed bus terminal
[ ] "Upgrade" to Windows 98
[ ] Give up your E-mail account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test
[ ] Remove yourself from the net (you are hopeless)
[ ] Remove yourself from existence (you are really hopeless)
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Yer momma's so fat/stupid/ugly that etc....
[ ] Take your crap somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or get off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above
End flame.
Everybody knows what a nanosecond is. But do you people know what an onosecond is ?
It is the time time between you hit the attack button and when you suddenly realize you typed in 100000 tanks and you meant 100 tanks.
OH NO ! :-)
im not racist or anyhting but it is a racist joke
A man walks walks by a thrift store and sees a a brass rat on a necklace.
He walks in and asks how much is that rat.
The dude goes 'nows theres a story to that brass rat'
The guy goes i dont wanna know the story just give me the rat. So he gets it.
He puts it on and walks down the streetand turns around and sees a rat following him. 1 more block 100 rats are following him so he runs and turns around and sees a million rats behind him
He runs to a river and swims across and sees all the rats drowning.
He goes back to the store and the dude says 'now i told u there was a story to that brass rat'
The guy goes i dont wanna here no story i wanna know if u have and brass niggers.
There are 3 men in a car. A mechanic a weight lifter and Bill gates. The car breaks down ans the mechanic looks at the engin gets it going but 20 mins later it bresaks down again. This time the weight lifter sugests carrying the car the 100 miles to the nearst garage but gets knackerd after about 3 miles. Then Bill gates gets out of the car and sugests closing the windows and re-opening them again
his guy meets this gurl at a night club they were dancing all nite long then he asks her to go back to his place she decides to go with him. when they get to his appartments they start kissing and he takes off his shirt and he says "thats a thousand lbs of dynamite" then he takes off his pants and says thats anoth thousand lbs of dynamite, so he takes off his underwear and says thats another thousand lbs of dynamite the gurl screams and runs out the door, the next day he calls her and asks her "why did u leave" she said i was scared that was 3000 lbs of dynamite and a short fuse
Signs of too much sK...
1] when u are out in the streets observed pple on the streets and say... " i think i needa build more residence"
2]when u go up to the president and sae... i would like to change my vote
3]u'll alwaez b tuning in to the news at nite to c if u haf new news
4]u'll alwaez b wonderin if there is enuff barracks to fit the military troops.
5]when a new hr come... u'll alwaez b lkin into ur wallet for new cash...
6]the moment u wake up... u'll b eager to loot all ur mama's money.
7]when u forgt abt sk for 2 wks... u'll nv wan to log in agn (inactive)
8]u'll alwaez b worried if u had powered your shields
9]u think tt asteriod wud strike anyone in ur neighbourhood if u were to defend it.
10]u travel to other places askin "cn u vote for me"
pls do nt let this happen.... =)
"Recieved April 28. 5:25 PM
dont attack me again, if u werent sector leader id be kickin the crap out of u.
Signed General x of x (x:x)"
Ok, this made my morning since I never attacked the person in question ROFL!
Q: What looks more similar to a gorrilla a black man or a white man?!
A: a white man, because the black man looks exactly like it
Heres a good one...
There was a maths class and the teacher picked a youngster in the middle of the class to answer the question.
"If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with a gun, how many would be left??"
"None," said the child, "cos the rest would fly away."
"The real answer is four," said the teacher, "but i like the way you were thinking."
"Then ive got a question for you,"said the child.
"If there three women eating ice-cream cones in a milk bar and one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married??"
"well..." said the teacher nervously, "the one sucking the cone?"
"No" said the boy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But i like the way you were thinking."
Heres an oldie but a goodie!
Socialism: You have 2 cows. Give one cow to your neighbor
Communism: You have 2 cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows. Give all the milk to the government, and then they sell it.
Nazism: You have 2 cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.
Anarchism: You have 2 cows. Keep both cows, shoot the government agent, and steal another cow.
Capitolism: You have 2 cows. See one cow and buy a bull.
Heres all my favorite siglets, some of them might be up already, but oh well.
_______________________________________________________
Your friend is the man who knows all about you and and still likes you.
Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
My Favorite!- Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
There are two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Trans corpus meum mortuum. - Over my dead body.
Bumper Stickers- Nuke the Whales.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.
Hlade's Law: "If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it."
Iraqi bingo - B-52...F-16...A-10
There are those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who don't know what the heck happened.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you in the court of law.
Joke- It's Football Time...
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman
so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable
he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
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