| Subject: I Must Have Loved You, Part 1 |
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lauraloo
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Date Posted: 17:45:12 07/30/02 Tue
Title: I Must Have Loved You, Part 1
Author: lauraloo
Rating: pg-13 (nothing major)
Summary: If you have a secret, don't tell Sturgis.
Notes: This takes place during season seven, before Tribunal. The lyrics quoted are from the song Ghost Story by Sting.
Another night in court
The same old trial
The same old questions asked
The same denial
The shadows close me round
Like jury members
I look for answers in
The fire’s embers…
Friday 1045 Hours
JAG HQ
Sarah Mackenzie sat in the research library. Waiting. Sturgis was late for their meeting and she didn’t find much company in the thousands of books, binders and legal manuals, precisely categorized on their respective shelves. She was proud of her work; Chief of Staff to the Judge Advocate General, a respected and accomplished trial attorney. She found amusement in the fact that after three years of law school, the countless hours it had taken to gain mastery over policy and strategy, it had all come down to one cardinal rule. Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.
She’d followed that rule to the letter in the courtroom. And now, though it had taken every ounce of strength, every iota of sheer marine will, she forced herself to follow it with Harmon Rabb Jr. Every time she found herself in his presence; the beauty and power of it, the seductive mystery of it, she craved the answer to the one question she would not, could not ask him. “Do you love me?”
“Mac?…Mac?…Colonel Mackenzie!”
She jumped, staring in disbelief. Sturgis had come in, deposited his things and had even settled himself in a chair across from her, all without her slightest awareness. Either he was a recon genius or she was totally losing it. “Sorry, Sturgis. Guess I was a little preoccupied.”
He snorted, “A little? That must have been some planet you were visiting. Any place I’d care to check out?”
“Cute, real cute. Did you present my offer to your client?”
Sturgis shuffled through his file. “Yes. Totally unacceptable, and I have to agree with her. Lt. Julie Martin is no more guilty of fraternization than, than the Admiral is to Lt. Singer.”
“First of all, lousy analogy. Secondly, Lt. Martin told Lt. Hastings that she was in love with Captain Reese. Signed, sealed, delivered.”
“Mac, Lt. Martin and Lt. Hastings are friends! It was innocent girl talk during their lunch break. You know the kind of stuff women say when they’re powdering their noses or putting on lipstick, or whatever your sex does in the secret society of the ladies room.”
Mac rolled her eyes. “They were in uniform, on duty, in a military facility. Face it, Sturgis. Lt. Martin made an inappropriate comment regarding her commanding officer and Lt. Hastings reported it. She’s a rotten friend, but she did do her duty as an officer.”
Sturgis shook his head. “What about the fact that the two lieutenants are both on the candidate list for the same position? Hastings could have reported the claim just to take Martin out of the running. Besides, Captain Reese was questioned.”
Mac was on her feet now, pacing the floor. “Yeah, I know. And he denied the relationship. Surprise, surprise,” her voice grew quiet, “that doesn’t mean something didn’t happen. But he is not the one in question, yet. Lt. Martin confided in someone she thought was a friend. She wouldn’t have taken that risk had she not been given something, some hint of reciprocation of her feelings from Captain Reese. Love is a powerful word, Sturgis. It presupposes a close, personal relationship of some sorts. She didn’t just say she thought he was attractive, or that she had a crush on him, or…” her words, her thoughts, were suddenly adrift.
The change in Mac’s demeanor and her choice of words was not lost to Sturgis Turner. He handled this one carefully, with kid gloves. “Mac, are you talking about Lt. Martin here, or yourself?”
She instantly regrouped. She knew exactly what he was referring to and made him the immediate recipient of one of her best ‘don’t even go there’ glares. “Look, it’s sad. But Sturgis, it’s fraternization.” Mac paused, sighing. “Okay, I know Lt. Martin has a spotless record and a few holes do exist here. I’ll consider a Punitive Letter of Reprimand.”
Sturgis rose to meet her. “Offer taken.”
“So, what does the rest of your day look like?” Mac gathered her papers and walked with him to the elevator.
“Bobbi just returned last night from one of her Detroit schmooze-fests. We’re having lunch today. You could join us if you’d like.”
“Thanks, but I’ve got to play catch-up. Besides, I wouldn’t want to intrude on you two lovebirds,” she teased.
Sturgis held back a sarcastic remark as he thought of the countless times he’d been the third wheel with Mac and Harm. Two lovebirds of the sub-species Absolutely Clueless. “Very funny, Mac. But, all right, suit yourself.” The elevator door opened to the fifth floor. “Enjoy your day of drudgery and solitude.”
“Thanks, I’ll manage.” And then she saw him.
After six years of knowing him, working with him on a daily basis, the sight of Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. still set her pulse to a marathon pace. What that man did for summer whites should be outlawed. And he was coming out of her office.
“Looking for someone, sailor? Or were you rummaging through my desk trying to find my chocolate stash?” She offered smartly, ushering him back in the door.
“No chocolate craving today. I’ve managed to locate exactly what I was after, thank you.” Harm flashed a wide grin that brought a slight pinkish hue to the cheeks of his marine.
“So, what’s up? Or are you just here to give me a hard time?” She had to keep it light before two men in white coats showed up to haul her away on a stretcher.
“Actually, Mac, I was wondering…”
“Colonel, Commander.”
Mac shook her head. Of all the moments for the Admiral to pop over for a visit. “Good morning, sir.”
“Morning, Admiral,” Harm said, “If you need to speak with Colonel Mackenzie, I’ll…”
“No, stay, please. Actually, I’m glad I located you two together. It seems to be the opinion of Meredith that I should entertain more, make an effort to be more social. I’ve planned an impromptu barbeque at my home tomorrow, casual dress, 1400, just a few people from the office. I know it’s short notice but we’d really love to have you. Besides Colonel, it will give you a chance to speak to Meredith about her summer Shakespeare program.”
“That it will, sir. Thank you. I’d love to come.”
“I’m free as well, sir. Thank you for the invitation. What can we bring?” Harm asked.
Admiral Chegwidden chuckled, choosing his words carefully. “Just yourselves and your…ah…adventuresome stomachs. Meredith has some interesting side dishes on the menu. But, as for the grill, I’m at the helm tomorrow. Oh, and feel free to bring a guest if you wish. Well, I’m off to round up a few more candidates. Carry on.”
“Aye, sir,” Mac and Harm said in unison.
Mac decided to test the water. “So, Harm, it appears that we can bring dates to this little shindig. I guess you’ll be calling that blonde woman, you know, Bobbi’s friend. What was her name again…ah, Caroline?” She tilted her head, eyebrows raised.
Harm drew closer to her desk, staring her right in the eyes. “Mac, I threw out her card weeks ago.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. It turns out that I don’t really have a need for another plumber in my life.”
“You don’t?” Her voice was soft, innocent. Inside she was hoisting streamers and blowing up balloons.
“No.”
“Harm?”
“Yes.”
“Before the Admiral came in, you were going to ask me something.” It seemed the water was just fine. Now she was going fishing.
Harm fidgeted nervously. “Oh, yeah. That new Clancy flick just opened. I was just gonna see if you’d like to come along. But now we’ve got the Admiral’s thing, and well, I guess we could just do that. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow then, you know, at the Admiral’s?”
“Sure thing, Harm.” And then he was gone, having run off with the bait, leaving her with a bare hook. One more to add to the bucket full she’d collected over the years.
Elbows perched on her desk, Mac rubbed her temples, raked her fingers through her hair. She let out a deep sigh of frustration. It was time to break out her English/Fighter-Jock-Speak dictionary and analyze his plumber remark. Sure, it had appeared promising, that is, if he’d now resorted to comparing women to apprenticed laborers. And, he had intended to invite her to the movie. But was it a date or just a casual evening between friends? She tried to make light of it, she’d done so for years. But the truth was, every time he did this, every time he ran off, leaving her with piles of unanswered questions, of the smoldering embers left from countless innuendos, he took a little piece of her with him.
It wasn’t entirely his fault. God knows Harm hadn’t been the only one to run away in the past. Now, they had begun to make progress. The playful banter was back, the friendship nearly healed. But they were both taking baby steps towards anything more, so slowly that sometimes she felt like chucking her damn rule, backing him into some strange, dark corner and planting her hands on his face; his stubborn, pig-headed, exquisitely beautiful face, screaming at the top of her lungs, “Do you love me?!” Before it was too late. Before there was nothing left of her for him to take.
What is the force that binds the stars?
I wore this mask to hide my scars
What is the power that pulls the tide?
Never could find a place to hide…
Friday 1330 Hours
JAG HQ
“Promise me you’ll never take me to that restaurant again,” Bobbi said, gathering her things from the chair in Sturgis’ office.
“Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad.”
“Sturgis, when you can’t tell the difference between the guacamole and the sour cream, it’s bad.” Her voice suggested utter annoyance, but a tinge of a smile escaped from the corner of her mouth.
“Okay, I guess you’re right.” He conceded.
Bobbi softened, rubbing his arm gently. “But, as for the company, the company was superb. In fact, I’d give it four stars.”
Sturgis frowned in mock hurt. “Only four?”
Bobbi smiled slyly, “At ease, Commander. You just might earn that fifth star, yet.”
Sturgis laughed, taking her hand. “Hey, don’t forget about the Admiral’s barbeque tomorrow. It appears that he and Meredith are getting along quite well. Looks as if Mac emerged as Good Queen Matchmaker after all.”
Bobbi’s eyes shot up. “Ooh, speaking of the Colonel and matchmaking, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I’ve recently come across someone who might prove to be an interesting companion for her.”
“Bobbi, no…”
“Oh, C’mon. It’s been nearly a year since her broken engagement. Mac is an attractive, intelligent woman. She shouldn’t be alone.”
An uneasy feeling came over Sturgis. This was not looking good. Strike that. This was a potential catastrophe. He hadn’t told anyone about Mac’s little revelation regarding her feelings for Harm. Not even Bobbi. And from the snail’s pace she and Harm seemed to be moving at, coupled with the obvious apprehension she displayed anytime even a hint of the subject came up, Mac hadn’t told anyone else either. Now, how would it look to Mac if she found out he’d had a hand in trying to set her up with another man? “Look, I just don’t think it’s a good idea, you know, meddling like this.”
Bobbi was determined. Her entire career revolved around the art of persuasion. “It’s not meddling. It’s called being a good friend. Richard is attractive, personable, and a successful attorney. They have a lot in common.” She pulled a cell phone out from her purse. “Let me just see if he’s…”
He grabbed the phone, “Bobbi, no. You can’t do it. Please, take my word for it!”
“Sturgis, what the hell is wrong with you?”
The words tumbled out of his mouth. “You can’t set Mac up with anyone else because she’s in love with Harm.”
“What, are you crazy?” She cried in disbelief. Sure, Mac and Harm were close friends and they flirted every once in awhile. But, love?
Sturgis swore to himself, taking a deep breath. Now that it was out in the open, he might as well explain. “A few months ago, in the middle of a conversation, she let it slip that she was in love with him. Bobbi, I gave her my word not to tell anyone, especially Harm.”
Bobbi nodded slowly, slipping the phone back in her purse. As she looked up again, she turned completely white. “Oh my God.”
“I know, look you can’t say anything.”
“No, Sturgis. Turn around.”
Sturgis knew it before he moved an inch. And when he did, his stomach took a nose dive anyway. Because standing in the doorway was Commander Harmon Rabb Jr., file in one hand, mouth gaping open.
It was Bobbi’s cue to exit. “I’m really sorry about this. I should go. I’ll call you later,” she whispered, moving towards the door. “Commander.”
“Congresswoman.”
“Okay, how much did you hear?” Sturgis said in defeat, closing the door behind Harm. He said a silent prayer of thanks that no one else had been around.
“Enough. Tell me what happened. Please, Sturgis.” Harm could barely position himself in the chair. He was still in shock over what he’d heard. Words that could change his life forever.
Sturgis sat down, placing his head in his hands. He had always taken pride in the fact that he was an honorable, trustworthy man. But all of that had flown away in one, impulsive outburst. It had been a damn simple request too. All Mac had asked him to do was keep her secret to himself. But he’d failed her, let her down severely. He could keep quiet and take the easy way out; after all, Harm was bound to find out about her feelings sometime. And she would never have to know if Harm chose not to tell her. Sturgis sighed, heavily. No matter how he tried to justify it, there was only one right thing to do. He was going to have to go to her, confess, and face the wrath of an angry Marine Colonel. But first, he was going to have to deal with his friend, the fellow Naval Officer sitting in front of him, hanging on his every word. “It was when we were working together on the Aiken investigation. I brought up the fact that there seemed to be a lot of tension between the two of you. When I suggested that she move on, you know, let it go, she told me she couldn’t because she was in love with you. Harm, she hasn’t said anything about it since. God, I feel terrible. I gave her my word.”
Harm nodded in understanding. The anguish his friend was feeling was evident in his sullen expression, his strained manner of speech. “Don’t beat yourself up, buddy. It’s going to be all right. I just need some time for this to sink in. I mean, she said that she loves me and we’re talking about this like it’s bad news. What you just told me impacts my whole life. Everything, Sturgis.” He rose, moving towards the door.
“Harm, now that you know, don’t screw it up. If my stupidity gets you two off your sixes and finally where you belong, all of this won’t have been in vain.”
Harm nodded, reaching for the doorknob.
“One more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Please tell me you’ll treat this with the care and caution it deserves. When Mac made the slip, it wasn’t like she was just saying it to me. The way it came out, well, it was like she was saying it to herself for the first time.”
Harm looked him straight in the eyes, his voice low, weighted with emotion. “I know, Sturgis. I know.”
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail…
Friday 1500 Hours
JAG HQ
Harm sat at his desk, door closed, just watching her in the bullpen. He marveled at the simple beauty of her; the elegant way she moved, the radiance of her face, the way she could knock him right on his six with one blow if she wanted. With one glance. He couldn’t work. It was useless. The files, the paperwork, had long been stuffed in his briefcase for later perusal. Now, he set his entire focus on Sturgis’ words. They ran through him like a racehorse, galloping about his mind, running around and around his heart, his soul. Every inch of his body drank in every precise syllable. Sarah Mackenzie loved him.
Loving her was nothing new. He’d loved for so long that the feeling had been molded to every part of him like a prosthetic; needed to move, to function. Throughout their relationship, the love had been denied, tested, even shelved deep within him while he’d tried and failed at loving others. But it was always her. The love was always there. Why then was he still so afraid of it?
He suddenly felt like a voyeur as guilt began to creep up beside him. It didn’t seem fair. He’d been given a clear view into the heart of Sarah Mackenzie. But she’d remained the same woman; the one he was still watching through the glass, the one who still was ignorant of his true feelings. It was time. Damn time. But, could he do this? Could he let go of his fears once and for all? Could it really be that simple?
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