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Date Posted: 12:01:09 08/03/03 Sun
Author: SHEILA
Subject: HOW DID I END UP HERE?

ALL MY LIFE I HAVE SEARCHED FOR HAPPINESS IN LIFE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE WHAT I SAW OTHERS HAD. I DID MANY THINGS IN ORDER TO TRY AND FIND THIS HAPPINESS, MANY OF THOSE THINGS I AM NOT PROUD OF. BUT I WAS LOST AND TRIED ANYTHING TO FIND MY HAPPY PLACE.
THEN ONE DAY I MET SOMEONE AND AT THAT MOMENT I KNEW MY HEART WOULD BELONG TO HIM. HE WAS LIKE NO OTHER PERSON I HAD EVER MET. HE MADE ME FEEL ALIVE AND I KNEW I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. HE TOLD ME THAT I WAS THE ONE HE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE, AND THAT I MADE HIS LIFE COMPLETE. WHEN HE HELD ME, ALL THE SADNESS AND LONELINESS I KNEW HAD VANISHED. I WAS FINALLY HAPPY.
AFTER A WHILE OF DATING, I MOVED IN WITH HIM. THAT IS WHEN MY LIFE BECAME A NIGHTMARE. I GAVE MY HEART AND MY LIFE TO THIS MAN, AND DID ANYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIS LIFE HAPPY. SLOWLY I NOTICED HIM BECOMING MORE AND MORE DISTANT. HE BEGAN TO IGNORE ME AND AVOID ME. WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HE WOULD WALK AWAY. I FELT SO CONFUSED AND ISOLATED. IT CAME TO THE POINT WHERE HE WOULDN'T EVEN TOUCH ME ANYMORE. I CRIED SO MANY NIGHTS WONDERING WHAT I HAD DONE TO BRING THIS ON. THEN ON NIGHT HE CONFESSED TO ME THAT HE WANTED TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE OUR HOME. HE WANTED TO BE WITH OTHERS. I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, AND IT WAS TOTALLY AGAINST ALL MY BELEIFS. THEN I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY WITH OTHERS. AND NOT JUST ONCE. MY LIFE TURNED UPSIDEDOWN. BECAUSE I DID LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I TRIED TO WORK IT OUT BETWEEN US. I DID NOT WANT TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP. BUT THEN I CAUGHT HIM ON THE PHONE WITH OTHER WOMEN TELLING THEM HOW MUCH HE WANTED THEM. THE PAIN I FELT CAN NEVER BE DISCRIBED. MY HEART AND SOUL WAS CRUSHED.
AFTER FIVE YEARS OF TRYING TO FIX THIS RELATIONSHIP IT FINALLY GOT SO HORRIBLE FOR ME THAT I HAD TO MOVE OUT. IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR SINCE I LEFT HIM. MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO EMPTY AND LONELY EVER SINCE. I STILL CAN'T STOP LOVING HIM AND WISHING HE WOULD CHANGE. MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING ANYMORE AND I DON'T FIND ANYTHING ENJOYABLE. I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET HIM OR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HIM, AND IT IS DESTROYING ME. I HAVE FOUND MYSELF IN A CLOUD OF DARKNESS. ON THIS DAY I PRAY TO GOD TO LIFT ME UP ABOVE THIS SADNESS AND CLEAR MY MIND AND SOUL. I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD HAPPY LIFE.

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