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Date Posted: 19:43:10 08/04/03 Mon
Author: Kayani
Subject: Re: HOW DID I END UP HERE?
In reply to: SHEILA 's message, "HOW DID I END UP HERE?" on 12:01:09 08/03/03 Sun

>ALL MY LIFE I HAVE SEARCHED FOR HAPPINESS IN LIFE. I
>ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE WHAT I SAW OTHERS HAD. I DID
>MANY THINGS IN ORDER TO TRY AND FIND THIS HAPPINESS,
>MANY OF THOSE THINGS I AM NOT PROUD OF. BUT I WAS
>LOST AND TRIED ANYTHING TO FIND MY HAPPY PLACE.
>THEN ONE DAY I MET SOMEONE AND AT THAT MOMENT I KNEW
>MY HEART WOULD BELONG TO HIM. HE WAS LIKE NO OTHER
>PERSON I HAD EVER MET. HE MADE ME FEEL ALIVE AND I
>KNEW I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. HE TOLD ME THAT I WAS
>THE ONE HE HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL HIS LIFE, AND THAT
>I MADE HIS LIFE COMPLETE. WHEN HE HELD ME, ALL THE
>SADNESS AND LONELINESS I KNEW HAD VANISHED. I WAS
>FINALLY HAPPY.
>AFTER A WHILE OF DATING, I MOVED IN WITH HIM. THAT IS
>WHEN MY LIFE BECAME A NIGHTMARE. I GAVE MY HEART AND
>MY LIFE TO THIS MAN, AND DID ANYTHING I COULD TO MAKE
>HIS LIFE HAPPY. SLOWLY I NOTICED HIM BECOMING MORE
>AND MORE DISTANT. HE BEGAN TO IGNORE ME AND AVOID ME.
> WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS HAPPENING, HE WOULD WALK
>AWAY. I FELT SO CONFUSED AND ISOLATED. IT CAME TO
>THE POINT WHERE HE WOULDN'T EVEN TOUCH ME ANYMORE. I
>CRIED SO MANY NIGHTS WONDERING WHAT I HAD DONE TO
>BRING THIS ON. THEN ON NIGHT HE CONFESSED TO ME THAT
>HE WANTED TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE OUR HOME. HE
>WANTED TO BE WITH OTHERS. I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND
>THIS, AND IT WAS TOTALLY AGAINST ALL MY BELEIFS. THEN
>I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY WITH
>OTHERS. AND NOT JUST ONCE. MY LIFE TURNED
>UPSIDEDOWN. BECAUSE I DID LOVE HIM SO MUCH, I TRIED
>TO WORK IT OUT BETWEEN US. I DID NOT WANT TO END THIS
>RELATIONSHIP. BUT THEN I CAUGHT HIM ON THE PHONE WITH
>OTHER WOMEN TELLING THEM HOW MUCH HE WANTED THEM. THE
>PAIN I FELT CAN NEVER BE DISCRIBED. MY HEART AND SOUL
>WAS CRUSHED.
>AFTER FIVE YEARS OF TRYING TO FIX THIS RELATIONSHIP IT
>FINALLY GOT SO HORRIBLE FOR ME THAT I HAD TO MOVE OUT.
> IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE OVER A YEAR SINCE I LEFT HIM.
>MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO EMPTY AND LONELY EVER SINCE. I
>STILL CAN'T STOP LOVING HIM AND WISHING HE WOULD
>CHANGE. MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING ANYMORE AND I DON'T
>FIND ANYTHING ENJOYABLE. I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGET HIM
>OR THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HIM, AND IT IS DESTROYING ME.
>I HAVE FOUND MYSELF IN A CLOUD OF DARKNESS. ON THIS
>DAY I PRAY TO GOD TO LIFT ME UP ABOVE THIS SADNESS AND
>CLEAR MY MIND AND SOUL. I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD HAPPY
>LIFE.

You need to learn to be happy with yourself. I've been there, believe it or not. It hurts...but time does heal all. I know that is easier said than done. Start doing for YOU.... treat yourself to the spa or get your nails done or whatever it is that gives you what I like to call a mental health moment. Start making a list of all the positive and wonderful things about you......and there is a long one. I can start one by just reading your post. Live for YOU...not someone else. It takes time.....no doubt about it. There is no magickal way to stop the hurting. Try meditation....it is very good for you. Buy a tape or cd to help you meditate if you need it. Take care of YOU....... Blessed Be, Kayani

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