| Subject: a phone call |
Author:
Heather
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Date Posted: 11:38:22 02/16/06 Thu
So I received a phone message yesterday from Bernie, the man that Spencer is living with right now. He said Spencer asked him to call me and wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. What the %$#%? Last week he said he didn't love me and was filing for divorce so why would he want anyone to call and say that to me? Rub it in my face? That really hurt. And I found out that he is not over 2 months clean, but 'about a month' is what Bernie said. I had my ideas but tried to give him the benfit of the doubt and what do I get? I don't love you. I am angry on the inside but haven't been showing it cause it's something I just need to get over, plus it won't help anybody anyhow. It will just kill me from the inside out and that is what I do not want. I have felt dead long enough.
Bernie says that Spencer bought my son a gift and wanted to come drop it off. I said absolutely not and as much as that hurt me to say that, I know I have good cause to say it and protect my son from anymore emotional harm. If Spencer can stay clean for a longer period of time then he can be a dad, but right now it is better for my son to not go through the roller coaster with him.
Bernie also said that my son is a big part of Spencer's life. What? The only thing that has been a big part of his life is the drugs. Not me, not his own son and not my other son. I have never taken his parental rights away from him, which I could have and should have done, but didn't, he did it on his own. I just cannot deal with him at this point and I don't have to. Our son is almost 5 and now he is a big part of his life? Well then prove it, cause his talk it so cheap to me right now. When he said he didn't love me I took that hard and if he was treating his own son the same way he's been treating me, then maybe he doesn't love him either. Makes no sense to me and I don't care at this point to make any sense of it. God will have his way in my life and that is all there is to it. He gave me this little boy to love and to protect and if that means protect him from his own father, then that is what I must do. He has a long journey and as long as he keeps screwing up, he will not get any better. I don't wish that on him, but it's what he has shown me.
None of this anger is pointed at Bernie, he is just a nice man trying to help Spencer get his life together. I tried and failed at it, now this man has a huge heart of gold and is helping him.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed that.
Heather
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