| Subject: Re: I lost it and severed all ties today |
Author:
Shari
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Date Posted: 21:36:13 07/19/06 Wed
In reply to:
Shelly
's message, "Re: I lost it and severed all ties today" on 19:35:20 07/19/06 Wed
The following is my opinion, gathered from my researching meth addiction along with dealing with my addict. I am not in their shoes, so I truly cannot speak for them.
I think that in times of coming down, they have remourse. That gives them the excuse to use again so the pain goes away or they don't have to think of what they do to others. If they don't, they have lied to themselves till they believe it.
One of the "gentlemen" that was at my house shooting up in front of my toddler when my husband got arrested, is now out of prison and has found God. He is clean and plans on staying that way...I ran into him in church.
I am well aware of the things that he has done to me, and wonder if he will ever reach the "step" where he makes his amends with me for what he has done. He has been doing a lot of handyman work to my home for as little payment as a snack...maybe that's his way of making his amends.
You need to work on healing you and your daughter for what he has done. One of the best ways of healing is forgiveness...it takes away a lot of your anger. Also, the things he has done cannot be taken personally. They are done by all addicts to the ones they love.
Let me cut and paste some of the posts I found very insightful and helpful on here:
A Letter From Your Addict
I am a addict. I know that I have torn your life to shreds. I often feel hopeless and I can tell from your broken spirit that you feel the same. You don't have to tell me what a total F*** up I am because I already know that. I know what I lost, I know I betrayed you and I know I am a fool. Each time you tell me that with sad desperation in your voice, I use your pain as an excuse to use. Most of the time it makes me forget for just a short time just how many lives I have destroyed. Believe me, I do see the pain in your eyes - my parents, lover, wife, husband, baby, friend, child - but I pretend I don't care.... and often times I really don't.
But you don't see me in those moments when I look into the mirror and want to tear my own heart out. You don't hear the sobs that rip from my throat when the crystal is gone and so are the only "friends" I have left. You don't see the video of memories that shoots through my brain with endless chapters of who I used to be. Counting the losses on those never-ending lonely nights. MY GOD so many losses!! -- misery soaking my shirt from the rivers of tears I have cried. I never meant to do this to you! I was just going to have a little fun, add a diversion, lose some weight, fit in, forget my problems, handle my busy life, stay awake for my job, do it just once (take your pick). Please Please understand.... I never meant any of this to happen. I love you with all my heart and soul, with every breath I take.... but my need for the drug is blinding me. It's blinding me and hurting you.... and you never deserved such pain!!
I used to only be hateful and horrible to you when I was outta drugs, but now it's happening almost every minute of every day regardless of how much I use. I don't know how it happened, how it got to this point that feels so outta control! I have betrayed you in every way. I have become a stranger to all those who love me, stealing money, breaking hearts and ruining lives. I blame you and everyone else for the hell I live even though I know better. I have made you and my family deathly afraid of me while I walk this lonely road.... but STILL I cannot face a lifetime without this drug. I don't want to get into my head and discover all the painful things that made me this way because I'm afraid to face anything without this drug. When you talk of setting boundaries and leaving me I get violent and angry but in short times of clarity I understand. More often than not I feel that I deserve the very hell I'm wallowing in. Even I don't recognize the dangerous stranger I have become and it frightens me more every day. This is Not Me!! Where did I go???
Please .... do the only thing you can. Let Go and Go On. Please don't let me hurt you anymore. I'll Catch Up if I Can.
I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so very very sorry.
All my Love
Your Addict
This is a poem by a 21-year-old female who lost her life while addicted to crystal meth. This is a true happening. A 21-year-old female was addicted to crystal meth, overdosed, and lost her life.
After her death, they were cleaning out her apartment and in her top dresser drawer, found a poem she had written.
Meet Mr. and Mrs. Crystal Meth.
I destroy homes - I tear families apart.
I take your children and that's just a start.
I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember, I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in school and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor.
I live just down the street and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not one like you think.
I can be made under the kitchen sink,
In your child's closet, and even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death, then it certainly should.
I have many names. But there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome, try me, you'll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go.
But if you try me twice, then I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to do, just to get high.
The crimes you commit for my narcotic charms,
Will be worth the pleasures you feel in my arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you must feel sad.
Just forget your morals and how you were raised.
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from their parents; I take parents from their kids.
I turn people from God, I separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride.
I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything, your family, your home.
Your money, your true friend, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take till you have no more to give.
When I finish with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me, be warned, this is not a game.
If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravage your body; I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed,
And the voices you'll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, and the visions from me.
I want you to know these things are gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart
That you are now mine and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me (they always do).
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen. Many times you've been told.
But you challenged my power, You chose to be bold.
You could have said no and then walked away.
If you could live that day over now, what would you say?
My power is awesome, as I told you before.
I can take your life and make it so dim and sore.
I'll be your master and you'll be my slave.
I'll even go with you when you go to your grave.
Now that you've met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can show you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to Hell.
By a Wife of a Meth Addict
I always thought love could conquer all
From the largest of problems to the very small.
Then I ran into the Devil's Advocate
Which has my husband, and he can't quit.
It's shattered my family, and torn us to shreds
How do I get the Devil out of my husband's head?
I bury myself into the Bible, and pray to God for his release
The children are so crushed, and they can't find peace.
Our oldest cries out in search of his daddy.
My heart breaks watching his pain. He's hurting so badly.
Our youngest doesn't know his daddy at all,
He entered our lives right before Dad's last fall.
My husband struggles and tries so hard to fight
But just can't get out from under the Devil's plight.
We all still love him with every fiber of our being,
But are caught up in our own pain that he's not seeing.
I know his love for us is still there, underneath everything somehow,
Although he just can't show it, at least not right now.
In order to keep the rest of my family in tact,
I had to face the cold-hearted fact
That our love for him isn't winning
And it truly has the Devil grinning.
We have to "Let Go and Let God"
If we ever want out of this crazy facade.
We can't continue to ride this emotional roller coaster with him,
While we watch him slip and slide back into the sins.
I hope that someday he will realize,
That we had to let him go before our own demise.
The love for him will never fade away,
All we can do is pray and hope he can get clean some day.
We have forgiven him for all that has been done,
Because when we said "I do," we became one.
I scream out to the Devil, "Let my husband go!"
And hope the love of his children he can know.
They are the truly innocent among all of this,
But the most pulled apart by the Devil's kiss.
Don't let the Devil's drug rule your soul.
Bring God to your side, let Him help you reach your goal.
Grab back hold of your life, and find the wisdom
Send the Devil back where he came from.
You'll be surprised, once you can come clean,
All those problems that were there...how little they seem.
Follow the love that is in your heart,
Get clean and enjoy a brand new start.
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