| Subject: Re: very unpleasant verbal abuse going on.. ???.. don't know what to do.......?????/ |
Author:
Debbie
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Date Posted: 18:38:11 03/07/06 Tue
In reply to:
SUSAN F
's message, "Re: very unpleasant verbal abuse going on.. ???.. don't know what to do.......?????/" on 17:53:41 03/03/06 Fri
Hello,
This is my first time ever posting to a public forum-I AM the MOTHER-47 years old, a professional in the legal field-and I AM the one who is feeling what your son is going through right now-I am so sorry for you as a mother to be put through the harsh come down of meth. I am struggling today not to lash out at my 23 year old son while I try to stay clean my FIRST DAY in 10 years...I know what your son is feeling-the overwhelming frustration that just brims over and explodes from nowhere onto those you love, the walls around you, even the outdoors seems to be fair game to want to scream and lash out at-JUST GIMME ME A DAMNED LINE right now! is what it's like. And the other part of me screams silently not to take that step...this first 24 hours of sobriety is so damned hard I never ever want to be here again struggling inside this way. Never want to hurt my children with hateful words that come from my own hatred inside of me for allowing myself to get to be an ADDICT. A damned drug addict that doesn't only want, but at this minute craves physically just one more line of METH. Maybe saying this mother to mother will help a little...your child needs you, not to be a disciplinarian not to kick him to the curb but to find a middle ground not to allow him to verbally (or physically of course ever) hurt you out of his own frustration at himself. If your child is with you now, not to fuel up and go out for more dope, but struggling to stay off the dope for even one day, he is there not to use you but because he needs the support to get to day two. If he can't restrain himself from lashing out again like this, you can't let him destroy you and himself. But, know that he loves you. He didn't go back to bed and turn his back to you by chance. He is struggling not to walk out the door for more of the same bs he's gotten himself addicted to, and I believe that he hasn't said more hurtful things because he KNOWS he's the one who is wrong and he's ashamed of himself for hurting you. God knows, I am so ashamed of myself for being the parent who is coming down from drugs while my 23 year old silently observes and says nothing, staying a respectful (within hearing) distance in case his mother really "has something wrong with her tonight"...I flushed my dope today and while not sorry for that step, I do not ever look forward to living through the next week? month? year? decade? One day at a time is too much to cope with at this minute. The only way I am getting through this hour is writing this. And to people I will never meet-while I know now I have not one friend, relative, client that I could call and ask for help. Either they will each offer me another bag of dope or I will hurt them so badly with this information. I did it to myself alone, I can't BUT get over it tonight alone. Tomorrow, a meeting. You too, Mom out there on the other end of the joys of drugs
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