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Date Posted: 12:35:21 04/11/01 Wed
Author: Builderofty/Tyler
Subject: Re: Admiring the view
In reply to: Rafaél 's message, "Admiring the view" on 10:55:40 04/11/01 Wed

The consistency of your form leaves much to the sense of eloquence. Try not to link up like you did here, Her to she, it shows immediate gratification, in a way...

I saw how it shone, the fabric covering
draped over her shoulders,
(It was)so easy to see why he painted her
she was beautiful under that light.
^<--------Beautiful as

The First "And" is not grammatically constituent to the form of the whole. Perhaps, a more confirmative or reinforcing word. "Yea or Oh, then and I(-and?)"

The meter is disjointed, and rhyme scheme while valoured in the second-last/first-second to last in the end, however, the lack of a tie in the first stanza sets it off on a uncertain foot. Though Anagrammatically, you were semi-competent, in the sharing of "r." Theres room for stylish improvements.

As per the sentiment.

Twitch of hackneyes, I would not debase myself to say it were not a tinged cliche', Then what is not in some essence. The form is quazi-original, excluding of my recent "first";-{)

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